Calling All Moms -What Would You Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Calling All Moms -What Would You Do?
11
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 11:02pm

To all you moms who have dd's who openly communicate, and who believe in parenting as "teaching" as opposed to "punishing" - how did I do, and what would you do?

Dd's only friend outside of school, H. has gone from bad to worse - those who have seen me post in the past know the background. Recently H. has threatened suicide, quit school and is being "homeschooled" (not really), and apparently wants to have a baby (she is 13). I have learned some of this through spying, some of it from her parents who are desperate to get control of their dd. I recommended dd's therapist, which may have been a mistake, but I wanted H. to get help and like dd, she wouldn't talk to most therapists. This therapist is especially skilled with getting teens to open up. I knew H. was feeling suicidal and, as I said, parents were desperate. They were thinking of putting her in the same group therapy with dd, but I expressed to the therapist that I did not want this. Now that H. has dropped out of the school where dd goes, I am optimistic that eventually dd will make new friends out of necessity and they will grow apart.

Anyway, dd just cannot let go of this friend - and I've not forbidden the friendship, as I don't want my dd to stop talking to me completely. But tonight, dd wanted to spend the night at H.'s, and I didn't allow it. Instead H. is spending the night with us. Dd of course always wants to know why, why. I told her my reasons wouldn't be good enough for her anyway. In the end, I told her that H. is a very troubled girl, through no fault of her own. Of course, dd hates me. I always worry that I'm permanently hurting my relationship with dd and that as soon as she can get away from all my "controlling" ways she will get out. I know eventually I have to let her make some mistakes, and learn from them. I'm just afraid in this particular environment at this time, the mistakes would be irreversible.

So, moms, especially Bunnierose and heartandroses, how do I make this a "teaching" experience with dd? I do want to somehow can I make her see in her 14 yo mind that I have her best interests at heart, and that while I might forbid the friendship entirely (as sometimes I feel any parent in her right mind would) I am not doing so because I do feel H. has some redeeming qualities, and in large part I believe her parents are to blame because they let her run the household.

Any advise would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 8:36pm

I want to echo what Rose said - even though I don't have as much experience as the two of you (I have an only child - dd14), I did just realize how much my dd is struggling with self-esteem and how that may be connected with her lying. Two years ago, she told me nothing. Over the past summer, slowly, she started to open up. My dd has not dealt with anything on the scale of what Rose's dd experienced, but it has begun to dawn on her that I'm on her side and I am not hopelessly out of touch. I cannot take credit for this, she had to reach this point on her own.

Hang in there and don't give up. And listen. I learned (in some ways the hard way) that I had to REALLY listen to what dd was saying - and what she wasn't saying before I could really hear her. I would have sought counseling for her a year ago, had I really and truly heard what she was saying to me.

You are, by no means, too strict. You love her enough to royally tick her off ... the true sign of a good parent.

jt

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