Can I Monitor Instant Messaging?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Can I Monitor Instant Messaging?
27
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 10:33am
Is there any way to save my daughter's instant message conversations without her knowing it? The version of AIM (5.9) that she is using is older and does not allow this. I know newer versions have a setting that allows you to save your logs. I know there are programs out there that you can purchase, but the prices seemed steep. I was hoping for a free or reasonable alternative. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:16am

If you will insist on monitoring your child's IM conversations, then you might want to consider downloading Windows Live Messenger. It comes with the capability to log conversations and save them to a folder on your computer.

I've been using MSN, as it's called, for years now (since Year 8, and I'm in my first year of university now, so that's around five years), and my parents never felt the need to monitor my conversations. I would have been very angry if that were the case. Of course, I essentially recite almost every conversation to my mother, so I have little to hide! But it was understood that I wouldn't give my details out.

I don't understand why "kidults" these days are so naive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:22am

I didn't ask for a lecture on trusting my child. And I am not going to justify why I feel the need to do this...that's not your business! I just asked for some guidance...so please keep your two cents to yourself!

It never fails when I post on these boards for some advice, you always get that one person that needs to go above and beyond what was asked!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 9:18am
Sorry for the
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:13am

"I don't understand why "kidults" these days are so naive."

You might not know if your parents monitored your conversations or not. Unless you were a computer whiz and were able to find all the hidden files on your computer. Just because your parents didn't mention it, doesn't mean they didn't do it. You will never really know if your parents needed the details or not that they would be getting from monitoring your messages. You know, your parents might have shown you much trust because the things you did tell them matched up so well with the conversations they were checking out. Just a thought.

You're right, I don't understand why "adult" children these days are so naive!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 3:45pm

You need to know that not every teen is just like you, and that it does not always have to do with the upbringing. I have two very different sons, and the only way I can explain that one is an extrovert, and one an introvert is genes. DS23, extro, got DH's genes and DS17, intro, got his grandfather's.

It's great that your parents didn't have to monitor your IMs. It's great that you told her just about everything in those IMs when talking with her. We all wish our kids would be that open with us. But they're NOT, and it is not always our fault that they are not. Sometimes we do feel we have to sneak around to keep them safe, our parental responsiblity.

By the way, I enjoy your posts even if we disagree. It's good to get a teen's perspective, even if your not a 'typical' teen. Your posts DO make us think.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:58am

Pam: I do not want you to apologise on my behalf. I do not feel the need to apologise, so in future, I'd appreciate it if you would not take such liberties.

Further to that, I do not post on these boards to be belittled by you sarcastically warning other posters that teens, in their 'infinite wisdom' sometimes post here. It has happened several times now and I don't appreciate it. You may be able to tell your children when you don't like their tone, but I am not one of your children.

Furthermore, I, like you, am an adult, and I expect that you, and others on this board, will treat me as such. I am not a child. It is not acceptable for you to speak to me as if I am a fool. We are both wise, Pam. We're just wiser than one another in different areas.

I am on the other side of the world from you, which means that we will have different views, and I have a point of view, just as you do. I am 18. That number means that I have reached the age of majority. I am also still in my teenage years. However, I expect to be treated as an adult while I post on these forums. It is true that I am not a parent, but I do feel that I can contribute to these discussions, as a teenager who also happens to have reached the age of majority.

I feel qualified to give these parents an adolescent perspective, because that is something nobody on this board who is out of their teen years can provide in a truly up-to-date context.

Yes, you are perfectly entitled to your opinions on how to raise your children. But I am at an advantage that I know what adolescents will do these days, and how they will respond to certain situations. So, in conclusion, you can read what I have to say and agree with it, you can disagree with it, or you can ignore it. But I will ask that you do not belittle me for it.

As we are all no doubt aware, tone of voice is quite hard to communicate effectively when posting on a message board. I am also sure that we all allow our opinions and experiences to prejudice our posts sometimes.

I would not have appreciated my instant message conversations being monitored. And to that poster who suggested my parents may have monitored my Internet usage - no, they certainly did not. While I accept that MySpace and Facebook and so forth are public, IM is private. But I find that it's like talking on the telephone - and nobody I know finds being eavesdropped upon while chatting on the phone acceptable - just boorish! I would tend to believe that I know my parents and what they will and won't do. But I also answered the original poster's question - use Windows Live Messenger if you do insist on monitoring your child's conversations. It has the capability to save chat logs. It's your prerogative.

What has gone so wrong that children don't want to tell their parents about what happens in life anymore? Is it to do with the parent? I believe I am not alienated because I can talk to my mother about anything.

Maybe the reason kids get into trouble these days is because they feel they can't talk about their experiences? Just a thought.

Why was I never monitored? Because there never existed a need for it. I wonder why so many parents feel that such a need exists? To my knowledge, none of my friends were ever monitored either. What could possibly have changed? We were all children of the nineties and the noughties. We're in the same generation. I was raised in front of a computer, just like every other child in Generation X. What gives?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:36am
I use Spector Pro. The little smarty pants seem to always figure out how to get around the other programs...and think they tell each other how to hack around their parent's tools. Spector Pro runs hidden and doesn't even show up in the task manager. The only way to get to it is to hit the special key sequence. You can even set it up to send the log file to your computer so you don't have to login into theirs to check.
It was recommended by our local police department. The new version even monitors Myspace chat/IM, which DD seems to use more than AOL now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:25pm


abba, you just don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:55pm
Thanks Marie - I was trying to think of a diplomatic way to answer aba but was struggling!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:24am

I found this whole thread very interesting - in many regards. And I think, in fact, "everyone's right."

I often argue with my son's friends who are 21+ and think they know as much as me. In fact, they don't - by virtue of not having lived as long as I have. To my son's 21 yo friend, B, I have been known to say "If I wasn't going to learn anything between 21 and 46, why not just stay 21? I looked better and had more fun? What's the advantage of getting older if you're NOT going to get wiser?"

That being said, I believe that teenagers (some, NOT all) are VERY wise and able to educate us in ways we cannot be educated by other adults. Unlike us, they are living in "now" - where things are vastly different than they were "then." Just as when WE were living in "now," our parents were focusing on "then."

Typical example - I grew up in an era with NO cell phones - negotiating around teen cell phone usage is difficult for me, because I've never had to deal with it...there are things I find definitively "rude" that my children and their friends do not - so it's a constant learning experience.

Our children can learn from us - so then, can we learn from our children (just read Bunnierose's post about her computer - and my son's friend "B" is my "go to" guy with all my electronic devices). They also, by virtue of being our children's "ears," can provide us with wisdom beyond our own years by their observation. They know things we don't - it's as simple as that. And we know things THEY don't - but of course, we know more :).

As to the OP's comment that abba should "mind her own business," I'm sorry, but this is a board where people post their opinions. Many times I've asked a question where someone has offered their opinion in response - I don't have to like it, agree with it, listen to it, or respect it...but it's there if I want it. Whether it be an 18 year old's opinion or a 46 year old's opinion, it still deserves the same level of respect.

It is true that not all teenagers are the same - some speak to their parents more than others. By the same token, not all parents are the same - some are more mistrustful than others - some with reason, others without. It's the conglomeration of everyone that brings all the viewpoints, all the opinions, and the ability for each of us to make the best decisions for OUR children.

Now - to the original question - I tend to AGREE with abba. I do not support monitoring instant message conversations - and she actually made the best statement:

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I would NEVER listen to my son's phone conversations - nor will I monitor his IM conversations.

Everyone here knows I am very questionable about snooping in general and only believe it is appropriate or "allowed" in cases where we actually believe our children may be abusing our trust or making seriously bad choices (and in the cases of many mothers here who DID snoop, they found that their "hunches" were right). To snoop just to check up is, in my opinion wrong.

So then, if I don't believe in monitoring IM conversations, and I do believe my children are doing something questionable, what do I do?

Simple - if I don't believe I can trust them on IM, they are not allowed to use my computer. At all. End of story.

ALL that being said, this is merely my opinion - the opinion of one mother who admittedly is driven close to the brink daily by her son. You may take it and use it if you'd like, or not - perhaps it will give you another perspective - perhaps you'll think I'm an idiot. But I believe we learn from the knowledge and ideas of other people, so the least amount of respect we can give is to listen to them.

End of rant

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