Can I Monitor Instant Messaging?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Can I Monitor Instant Messaging?
27
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 10:33am
Is there any way to save my daughter's instant message conversations without her knowing it? The version of AIM (5.9) that she is using is older and does not allow this. I know newer versions have a setting that allows you to save your logs. I know there are programs out there that you can purchase, but the prices seemed steep. I was hoping for a free or reasonable alternative. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:23pm

To everyone:

I never said that I was as wise as anyone else here and meaning that I, in fact, know everything you do. I know very well that I don't, and can't, know everything a parent knows. Not to accuse you of not reading, as my post was quite long, but here is what I said to Pam regarding how "wise" I am:

"We are both wise, Pam. We're just wiser than one another in different areas."

By that, obviously I don't mean that I know more about parenting a teenager than you do. How could I; I don't have children. (Well, if I did, I (a) wouldn't know about them, and (b) would be looking for a bright star in the east and the Three Wise Men bearing gifts). I simply, by that statement, implied that I have my "finger on the pulse" of teen life, so to speak. I'm not saying I know more about your kids than you do. How is that even implying I know more about being a parent than you do?

I would tend to think I've simply been misunderstood, or else certain posters are picking up on the misunderstandings of other posters and running with them, instead of reading my post for themselves.

No, I don't know how to effectively discipline a teenager for drinking at a party; I don't know that. But what I do know is why they might have chosen to do so; what their thought process was.

Why do I know more about the actual "teen experience"?
Because I live it, every day. I've been through middle school and high school; I'm now in university. Does that not make me qualified to comment on the teen condition? Really, it's quite similar to how you know more about the parenting experience - since you live it every day! I've lived the teen experience since 2001, when I turned 13, and I will live it until 6 August, 2008, when I turn twenty.

By the way, I still stand by using Windows Live Messenger. I have all my chat logs saved from 2004 onwards and I still like to read them often. Call me nostalgic.




Edited 3/20/2007 9:32 pm ET by abbag1rl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:22am
Hi... In response to your original question.... I use "IM monitor". It costs $35 and can be downloaded from a website. It is my far the best money I have spent in years.
I was beyond shocked to read my daughters IM conversations.... she appears to be a model teenager on the surface.... but recording her conversations has brought many many issues to light. If you have even a small inkling that there is a need to monitor your child... then DO IT!! Worst case... you have spent $35 for peace of mind. I shudder to think what would have happened here if I did not trust my instincts and start monitoring conversations.
My DD has no idea that I monitor her conversations. I am forced to be creative in how I use the info that I gather. Sometimes, it has required that I do not allow her to attend an event. It required much closer monitoring of a relationship with a boyfriend. I am absolutely certain that I made the right decision in tracking her converations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:53am

<<>>

Thank you. I feel Abba has some valid points and I, for one, *do* appreciate hearing from the teens that come to this board.

This whole thing reminds me of a thread started a few months ago by a teen wanting to answer questions we may have about their thinking (in the second folder), and in the first reply I believe, was told basically, thanks but no thanks. I thought that was terribly rude and uncalled for.

Not only are judgements being made about what we should post about, now it's WHO should post.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 7:06am
Thanks for answering my ORIGINAL QUESTION...$35 is not too steep...I will look into this today! G.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:42am

I agree that reading our teens' instant messages can be shocking at times. My DD15 is also a seemingly model teen, however I've been very surprised the times that I monitored her IMs. It really does help me make better decisions or at least know what to keep an eye out for.

Someone mentioned that reading IMs is like listening in to phone conversations. I've been thinking about that, and although I don't feel great about the need to occasionally peruse the IMs, I think it's a different situation. With the advent of cell phones and IMing, our kids have so much more freedom than we had as teens. My DD could be on her cell phone in her room at any time of the day or night, and it is much harder to keep tabs on than if she had to use our family phone. If teens are going to leave a "paper trail" by typing their conversations into a computer that I bought with my money, I don't see why I, as a parent, can't take advantage of this new technology to try to ensure my DD's safety. I don't think I'm explaining this well, but I think it works both ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 2:19pm
I would also like to hear of more softwares to track DS's online time.
I very much agree with the poster who commented that monitoring electronic time and communications is important. I disagree that even an 18 year old can understand what much younger teen life is like in this area. Myspace wasn't even invented until mid-2003... youtube in 2005. They became popular later. And tho cell phones have been around awhile, not many young kids had one 5 years ago. And texting only just began to get popular around 1999. I could go on about online gaming and other stuff, point is that that the HUGE glut of technology and communications is really VERY RECENT. Even 18, 19, 20 year olds did not grow up with the environment my 13 yo lives in. There is no precedent for much of what he now experiences and is surrounded by.
That said, many of these kids can't even manage to put on clean clothes regularly, make sound food decisions, or know that running through a fence is dangerous (thinking of some youtube postings I've seen)... so I'm supposed to assume they always know when language, websites, or other information unsafe?
No way.
If I want to ensure my child's safety, particularly my younger teen, I need information in order to make sound decisions. I've a friend who's been tracking IMs since her son was 11 and has been VERY surprised about the trash he was often exposed to by friends (esp the girls).
I'm not saying this well. But I believe that it's quite appropriate to monitor PC time especially for younger or less mature or at risk teens, although I believe the child should be aware that monitoring is in place. Hey! If my office can legally monitor emails of employees, why can't I track my kids?
As for listening in on phone conversations? Not normally... but if he's nearby? Sure! Heck, he listens to mine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 4:54pm
I would never let my kids know that I run a monitor. If they knew it was there.... they would use their cell phones and I would still be in the dark. I rarely read anything that my DS17 chats about. I did in the beginning.... and it's all about sports scores, hot girls at school that he is simply admiring.... school stuff. However, I can't stress enough that the info I've gathered from DD15 has been dramatic. I never.. ever would have guessed what was going on in her life. The influence of peers at this age is unbelievable and needs to be monitored.
One word of caution, you need to have thick skin if you start to monitor. It's hard to read negative conversations that involve you.... often when the comments are completely unfounded. It's hard not to react to every comment....If you have even and inkling that you need to monitor... please do it. You will quicly know if there is a real need and addressing problems is part of parenting.

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