can't move on...am I crazy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
can't move on...am I crazy??
13
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 6:19pm

So, I'm new here. I've been reading the posts for a couple of weeks and now have my own situation to vent about. I have 3 children...DD 17, DS 14 and DD 12 and a husband! My problems this summer have been with my 17 year old daughter. So...here goes!

Our relationship has been "strained" all summer. I am having trouble getting over a situation. In May, she met a boy (18 years old). They had been talking, texting for quite a while. I know that he was asking her to "hang out"...todays version of dating. However, she was not interested. I know it's crazy, but I just can't seem to get over the fact that she wouldn't give this boy (smart, nice, athletic, good-looking) a chance! I tried to talk with her about it...but she doesn't want to discuss with me. Says she doesn't want a boyfriend, especially one that is going to be in college (she'll be a senior). This boy is no longer texting or calling...I think he has given up. And I'm actually feeling sorry for him that she treated him poorly. I KNOW that I need to let her make her own decisions...why can't I let this go?
It's really putting a wedge between us and I think I'm crazy to be so upset about this!

She's been out socializing with her friends a lot this summer,buts she's never had a bf. She's never been interested in any of the guys who have been interested in her. I'd just like to see her go out on a date before college!

We've also been butting heads about normal teenage stuff too...so that doesn't help either. Overall, it hasn't been a good summer! (I'm in education, so I'm home all summer with the kids!)

So, any ideas on how I can move on??? I'd really like to put this behind me but can't seem to do it and don't know why! Anyone have any experience in this type of situation.

I'd appreciate any input!

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 6:43pm


By understanding that you have a smart, mature daughter. Be thankful that she didn't go out with this young man just because he liked her or you liked him. She had to like him too. Trust her to make the choices that are right for her. So what if he is good-looking and athletic? That doesn't mean that they had common interests or that she HAD to like him.

Why are you so concerned that at 17, she hasn't had a b/f yet? So what? There is no hurry; she won't turn into a wrinkled old hag living with house full of cats just because she hasn't dated in high school. They are lots of people out there who don't start dating till they are in their 20s. And even if she never dated or never got married, SO WHAT? As long as SHE IS HAPPY and it is her choice, that's all that matters. It is, after all, her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 7:13pm

I'm sorry, this may sound harsh but believe me I have good intentions to help you and your daughter.

The answer is --- get over it. Its not your life, the guy wasn't asking YOU out -- and trust your daughter to make her own decisions.

The truth is we parents are often fooled by cute, athletic, smart nice guys. But the teens they know the truth. She knows this guy, she chose to not date him and just leave it at that. There's probably more than meets the eye here. And even if not...maybe he wasn't her type. Maybe she likes different guys, quieter, not so athletic, who knows?

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and I was a perfectly happy teenager. Not ALL teens are out there dating and having boyfriends. In fact, the truth is there is this small percentage of kids who date alot and the rest don't date at all until they are much older.

Life isn't a teenage movie film and soap opera. Read some of these threads about parents who wish their kids would NOT be dating so much and would just concentrate on school and friends and work and family. Be careful what you wish for and leave your daughter be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:15pm
I say good for your dd! Kids can get WAY too 'attached at the hip' in high school relationships. She sounds like a very mature girl to know that this is the time for her to develop her friendships, pursue her hobbies, and just enjoy being a 'kid' her for her last year of high school! There will be a lot more 'nice, good looking, athletic' guys that will come and go in her life. And in the end - the best catches may be the ones that aren't necessarily too good-looking or athletic!


Pam - Ivillage Community Leader

CL:
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:20pm

What they said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:39pm

I agree with previous posters that it sounds like your daughter made a smart decision that she's happy with. There may be a wide range of reasons that she didn't want to date that particular boy.

As for why you can't get past it - that's a good question - often my hang-ups with my kids have more to do with me and my own issues about life, parenting, sexuality, whatever. You are the only one who can answer that question - and it may take some painful self-reflection to find the answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:49pm

Hi! Welcome to this board. I've been posting a lot about my 18 year old daughter, and the difficult summer we are having. I'm also in education and I'm home all summer too.

My daughter has the opposite problem from you...she has a smart, athletic, goodlooking nice guy for a boyfriend. They've dated for a year and a half. They are both going off to school in another month or so. He's going to military school, she's going to a regular university. About two months ago, he started wanting to live it up this summer before he goes into such a structured environment. I really can't blame him to some degree, but unfortunately he has hurt my DD quite a bit by his actions. They are still together, but I'll tell you....it's been a rough summer. For some reason.....I want them to stay together through the end of the summer. I really like this guy, even though part of me thinks he is untrustworthy and and insensitive at times. But like you....I just can't seem to let it go. I worry about it a lot....sometimes more than DD!!! I just so badly don't want him to do something really stupid and break her heart. Sometimes I think I am crazy too!! I know it's not my place or my job to fix this relationship, and besides that, I couldn't even if I decided I wanted to. So I sit and I stew over it.

My point in all of this is that you should be happy that your daughter knows her own mind and is not going out (or hanging out) with a guy she does not have feelings for. Good for her!! For whatever reason, she isn't ready to date, or maybe isn't ready to date this particular guy. And believe me, there will be other guys that come along that are just as cute, nice, athletic, whatever.....and when the right one comes along, and she feels ready for a relationship, she'll go for it.

My DD has remarked more than once in the past six months that when and if she has a teenaged daughter, she would tell her to NOT have a serious relationship in high school. My DD recognizes how difficult it is at this age to navigate the emotional ups and downs of a teen relationship.

Your DD is also smart in that she knows how difficult a relationship is when one of the people is going off to college. That type of relationship usually doesn't end up succeeding. Your DD sounds like she has her head on straight, and she'll enter her senior year ready to have fun with friends, etc. w/o the extra burden of a relationship she doesn't want.

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:56pm

Hi again,

I had another thought that I wanted to add to my post. You and I are educators. We're busy, busy, busy all school year and then BAM...summer comes, and we have a lot more free time. Every summer it takes me awhile to adjust to the change of pace. This year it has been really difficult for me. DD is working, or out with friends, and DH is working too. I have WAY too much free time on my hands, and consequently, I think I have too much time to analyze to death, the situation my DD is in with her boyfriend. I've already vowed that next summer I will work PT, or have something lined up so I am focusing more on my life, and not just on DD's. That's definitely part of my problem this summer....I just don't have enough to do. And when I say that, I don't mean that I don't have all the regular things like laundry, housework, errands, etc. because I do...but they don't require thought for the most part. I need something to occupy my mind and that will help me take the focus off DD.

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:56pm

I have an 18 yr old DD who is going to college in the fall. She hasn't had any BFs yet, although she did get dates to the proms and dances, mainly by her asking the guy. She did get asked out on one date by a boy she worked with who went to a diff. high school, then she didn't want to go out w/ him any more. I can't see any reason why she doesn't have a BF, she is pretty, smart, has a lot of friends, including boys.

The only reason I feel bad for her is when she likes a boy who doesn't like her back. Otherwise, I just feel that we have saved a lot of problems and hearaches (not to mention worries about whether she is having sex) by her not having a BF. I just wonder why this situation concerns you if she isn't unhappy about it.

I have a cousin my age, whose DDs have already graduated from college and are working. Every time one of them gets a BF, she is always speculating about whether they are getting married. It seems to me that since she got married right after graduating from college, she thinks they should be in a hurry to get married also, where I would be more concerned that my kids had a chance to start their career and be on their own first. Maybe it's because she has been married since then, so everything worked out for her, where I am divorced and more cautious. Maybe there are some issues you have around your DD dating, but I don't want to play armchair psychologist about it since I don't know you. But since this is straining your relationship w/ your DD, you really have to stay out of her love life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 2:07pm

How to move on? Try focusing on your DD's happiness. Is she happy? From your post it seems that she is except, perhaps, for the fact that your relationship with her is strained. At least she is out socializing with her friends, and because you didn't mention her getting into any trouble (drinking,drugs), she must be doing alright in that respect.

I'm not all that happy with my DS17 right now, either, primarily because he didn't find a summer job. And at times our relationship is strained. But he usually keeps himself busy--sometimes playing mindless video games, but also socializing, volunteering and doing work around the house/yard. He seems pretty happy and that's what's most important.

Hope things soon improve for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 4:02pm

I had a similar situation with my 16-year old daughter who just broke up with her boyfriend. He was so nice and treated her well. They really seemed to have a connection so we were very supportive of this relationship. I noticed that she began to want to be with her friends more than him and she eventually broke up with him. You would think that there was a death. I felt so bad for both of them. I'm having a difficult time dealing with it, because he was so good to her. However, we have to remind ourselves that this is "teenage stuff." They will move on. And the key is that what we think is good for them isn't alway what they want. They have to live and learn. It's worse having your daughter involved in a relationship that she wouldn't be happy in. As long as she is happy.

Hope that helps.

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