can't move on...am I crazy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
can't move on...am I crazy??
13
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 6:19pm

So, I'm new here. I've been reading the posts for a couple of weeks and now have my own situation to vent about. I have 3 children...DD 17, DS 14 and DD 12 and a husband! My problems this summer have been with my 17 year old daughter. So...here goes!

Our relationship has been "strained" all summer. I am having trouble getting over a situation. In May, she met a boy (18 years old). They had been talking, texting for quite a while. I know that he was asking her to "hang out"...todays version of dating. However, she was not interested. I know it's crazy, but I just can't seem to get over the fact that she wouldn't give this boy (smart, nice, athletic, good-looking) a chance! I tried to talk with her about it...but she doesn't want to discuss with me. Says she doesn't want a boyfriend, especially one that is going to be in college (she'll be a senior). This boy is no longer texting or calling...I think he has given up. And I'm actually feeling sorry for him that she treated him poorly. I KNOW that I need to let her make her own decisions...why can't I let this go?
It's really putting a wedge between us and I think I'm crazy to be so upset about this!

She's been out socializing with her friends a lot this summer,buts she's never had a bf. She's never been interested in any of the guys who have been interested in her. I'd just like to see her go out on a date before college!

We've also been butting heads about normal teenage stuff too...so that doesn't help either. Overall, it hasn't been a good summer! (I'm in education, so I'm home all summer with the kids!)

So, any ideas on how I can move on??? I'd really like to put this behind me but can't seem to do it and don't know why! Anyone have any experience in this type of situation.

I'd appreciate any input!

Thanks!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:27am

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I have been trying really hard to stay out of this situation. I realize that my DD has to want a relationship...not me wanting one for her. I still have a few concerns about her being in relationships in general. I'm hoping as she matures, she will feel more comfortable in face to face communications. (As I said before, she's a whiz at IM and Texting). I'm planning of keeping an eye on this...from afar...and taking steps if needed down the road.

I think she is happy, so that's the most important thing. So, I'll just keep doing my best to keep my distance.

I appreciate everyone's encouraging words.

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:51am

Lori,

Your are missing a great opportunity. From reading your initial post, it looks like your daughter has made a very mature decision regarding this young man. She has decided that at this time, this person is not it. If she was my DD, I would be relieved right about now. Long distance relationships hardly ever work with mature adults. With teens, school usually suffers as does the bill for long distance calls. School suffers because eventually the thought crosses both there minds about how monogamous the other one is. That grows into an obsession which puts the kybosh on studying.

I digressed. The missed opportunity is that you could be congratulating her for making a decision that she thought was right, even with the pressure from the guy and from her mother. The form that I like to use to convey this kind of a message is: "I really respect you for ............" Most parents say, "I am proud of you." Since I have started to say, "I respect you for (whatever it is that they did)" I have notices a huge difference in the response. I think the difference is that when I am proud of them, it is about me and what their actions do for me and my esteem. It is giving me good feelings. When I say that I respect what they are doing, it is about them and acknowledging their good thinking, deed, and the like.

So this is a great opportunity to acknowledge your daughter's very mature decision. It might even be a great time, if you are comfortable doing it and actually believe it, to say something about how you are learning to trust her to make these types of decisions. When I started doing this with my son, I was astounded how our relationship improved.

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2000
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:15pm

Hi All,
Boy can I relate to Lori & Nancy. My dd almost 17 has been dating her bf almost 18 for
1 1/2 years and my husband and I really like the kid. Problem has been in the past 3 weeks she's seen him only 3 times and this weekend he's supposed to come up North (Wisconsin) with us to our cottage, but my dd hasn't really talked to him since Wednesday. He's been hanging out with some guy friends along with these 3 other girls. He claims they are just friends, but of course I don't really believe this. So his mom calls me to talk about the plans for the weekend (we get along great and she loves my dd) and she noticed they haven't seen eachother much also. She asked her son if he still plans on going up North with us and he said "yes" as though there is nothing going on.

It just breaks my heart when I hear my dd on the phone crying to her girlfriend when she's sitting home on Saturday night and he's out with other people! I don't want her to get hurt but it's already started to happen. He tells dd that she's mad at him for a stupid reason (they text eachother) and that these girls are just friends. It's hard to just sit by... Bf's mom is going to call me back before the weekend and we'll see if he's really coming. I'm not bringing it up to dd, she may "uninvite" him herself is my guess. It kills me because she's been looking forward to this all summer so far. His timing stinks. She tells me some things and others I find out by over-hearing her phone conversations a bit at a time. I just try to express to her to tell him that her feelings are hurt, but he's got to be around to talk. He's been very short with the text messages lately. His mom seems to be mad at him how he's acting, so maybe she'll find out something. But in the mean time I just have to sit and wait. Losing a lot of sleep worrying though.
Linda

Pages