Can't stand the fighting anymore!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Can't stand the fighting anymore!
11
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 10:46am

I have two teenage daughters, 16 and 18, who are about to push my husband and I to the breaking point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 11:15am

I think you need to sit them down (w/ you & your DH) and explain what you said here--they don't have to be friends or even like each other, but you insist on a certain level of civiity--the hitting, spitting & name calling just have to stop, otherwise there will be punishments handed out.

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 11:22am
You might consider penalties for fighting in your presence. I mean, you deserve to have a peaceful home. Perhaps if they fight (and doesn't matter who starts and you don't even want to know why) they lose car priveledges, allowance, outings with friends, ect. This might at least MAKE them think before engaging.

You might consider family counselling as well though personally, I'm not sure how much that actually helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 1:23pm
I disagree with those that think it doesn't matter who starts it. You should at least take a look, see if there's a pattern.



 

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 1:59pm
By penalizing both, you usually figure out pretty fast who the stronger instigator is. The more rational one backs off and shows their self-control and then you can deal with the other. The idea is to force them into either stopping the attacks or stopping the reaction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 2:22pm

suggestion..

Sit down with the two girls and your DH. Each person is to allow to say,in turn, how the behavior is affecting them. The girls are to allow to talk about what about their sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 10:55am

I am curious as to what they are fighting about so much.

It would be helpful to have some examples before I answer.

It is very different if this is about sharing a bathroom and leaving towels on the floor vs. one is a science nerd and the other is a popular cheerleader and they are trashing each other for who they are. The latter is far more damaging and needs a different kind of intervention.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 7:24pm

They don't have to like each other, but they have to be respectful of each other. I would be handing out nasty chores, if you have the energy to fight, you have the energy to work. I also am big on writing out apology notes, including 3 things that you like about the other person, one nice thing they have done recently, etc... My kids hate writing even more than the chores!!,

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 9:05pm

You need to give them the "Daddy and I are going to die someday" lecture. Really, because this is serious. After you and your husband are gone, they will only have each other left from their family. They won't think it matters now, but it will make them think.

You also need to set some rules. Your house, your rules. Rule number one is peace.

Don't do anything that pits one against the other. Evaluate yourselves honestly. What have you been doing that sets one girl against her sister? Every parent has some role in this, even if most of it is caused by their different personalities.

I like the advice to penalize both. Why? Not because it's fair, but because it will unite them both against you. This is actually a good thing, within limits. My kids get along the best when they think we're being unfair. This helps them learn to have empathy for each other, the foundation of a healthy siblling relationship. Your goal shouldn't be that they agree to disagree, but that they eventually love, or at least respect, each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 8:06pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 6:49am

You've gotten some good advice already, but I want to toss something else out there - how much of this fighting is simply to pull mom and dad's chain?

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