Can't stand how my 13 year old daughter is acting!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Can't stand how my 13 year old daughter is acting!
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 7:48pm
My 13 year old daughter is a disrespectful liar. She thinks its fine to come and go when she pleases. She talks back and refuses to help out around the house. I also found out recently she has been smoking marijuana almost daily and when I questioned her on it she denied it. I am at the end of my rope with her. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 11:17pm

Welcome to our corner of the village.

I could tell you that our two daughters are perfect and we had no problems.  However, that is a lie that I could burn in hell for. LOL

I’m not clear as to:

·         Is this the only child?

·         Is she the oldest child, youngest child?

·         Is she starting 8th or 9th grade this year?

·         Are you a stay at home mom?

·         Are you a single mother?

·         Does she have any supervision after school until you arrive home?

·         Etcetera

Without all the information, I’ll give you a few observations from a mother with two daughters and two SILs at the other end of the teen years.  Hubby and I live with our two daughters, their husbands, and two of the cutest grandsons in the solar system.  I just may be a bit biased.  LOL The couples are 19½ and 20½, with youngest couple having blessed us with a grandson who will be 2 in October and a second grandson last May.  They all attend school in the evenings and along with the other set of grandparents we get to spend our evenings with the grandchildren.  And we truly feel BLESSED.

When our daughters were like eleven and twelve, we started giving them control of the money we were spending on cloths, school lunches, movies, incidentals like cosmetics, hair care, etcetera, and the allowance money.  We put conditions on what they could do with the left over money and monitored it to make sure that it was not being spent on drugs, stripper clothing, etcetera.  We also linked all this to chores.  The purpose of chores is to teach the child the link between work and rewards.  Also, I explained that we needed them to do more because I was returning to work and we needed them to help out with chores or we would have to spend the vacation money on a maid and mowing service.  The following year they started mowing other lawns and babysitting for even more money.

What we were somewhat surprised by was the change in attitude about spending money when it was “their money.”  This control of “their money” avoided many arguments about money with the parents.  They and their guys did not use their money on phones, video gaming, etcetera, because they had other priorities—mainly, their guys and them all going on vacations every year with us and the families of both guys.  They paid the extra costs and the male parent slept in the room with the guys while the female parent slept in the room with the girls.  And it was a lot of fun for us. 

Spanking was not the most effective punishment for our daughters and I think it becomes more ineffective in the teen years.  We found that taking away benefits and privileges was far more effective.  I think the girls were about ten and eleven, when I said, “No, girls you cannot go to the movie this weekend because you broke the rules.”  Given the choice at the time, they would have chosen forty lashes with the cat of nine tails.  I’m joking of course, but not by much.  And you can use such as a reward for good behavior.  “You girls have been so good this week that you can go to the movie tonight and again tomorrow evening. And Dad and I will pay for the tickets tomorrow evening. ” They never knew it was a treat of a different type for us parents. LOL

The drug issue is a reason for cutting off all funds.  This includes even lunch money.  She can brown bag it.  I would look out for things she might sell or trade for joints.  Also, I would explore drug testing.  I have no clue how it works or what it costs.  We never faced this issue because the girl’s guys had issues of substance abuse in their families that they did not care to follow the path of such.   

If supervision after school is a problem, I would explore the possibility of finding a way to pick her up at school.  Maybe, you can take your work home and do a couple of hours there, or maybe the boss will allow her to study in the lunch room, or you could strike a deal with another parent to watch her.  I did the latter for several years before I went back to work and paid another parent to pick up and watch our girls for a couple of hours after I returned to work.  Maybe grandparents can help with this supervision. 

As for dishonesty, l would ask her why she lies when I know it’s a lie and she either knows or should know that I know it’s a lie.  Parents know all the tricks because we were once teens.

As for disrespect, civility is the lubricant of society and I expect us to be civil with each other and to discuss things civilly.  Notice I said “us.”  No matter what she says, try to always be civil in your response.  Set the example, even though you may want to hit her with the frying pan.  Joking about the frying pan.

As for coming and going as she pleases, NO WAY!  And as the parent, I do have the right to control your activities until you reach 18. If I have to, we will spend every hour every weekend together until then.  Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?

As you should guess, our problems were of the sexual type.  The couples like to sleep with each other and I mean “sleep” in all ways.  And this involved some dishonesty.  What teen is going to be open about this subject with parents?  Not many, until the mother comes home from work early one afternoon.  An OMG moment for sure.

If you haven’t started having THE TALK conversations with your daughter about sex, you should start the conversations. Conversations are not letures. 

I was a true little $itch until I was past 21, so I can say this:  Now a flat fact is that some kids are much easier to deal with than others.  However, the kid is worth the effort. 

One of my favorite quotes on the subject of parenting is:  “Nobody ever said being a parent was easy and nobody was certainly correct.” 

Hang in there, the hardest and the BEST are yet to be.   


Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 2:58pm
Where does a 13 year old get money to buy so much weed and money to go out? I have a 14 year old son and he can have moments, but that is what it is, moments. This sounds like it was a long time building and you may need some family therapy to get through to her.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

<<<Where does a 13 year old get money to buy so much weed and money to go out?>>>  And I might add, how does a 13yo "come and go as she pleases"?   Doesn't the door lock work?  Doesn't anyone say, "NO, you're NOT going out!"  Doesn't anyone supervise this child?  Even if the custodial parent is single and needs to work nights, ask a friend, ask a relative, or get a babysitter.