Can't Take It Anymore!!*%$^*@#&*!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Can't Take It Anymore!!*%$^*@#&*!!!
22
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:47pm

I don't know where to turn. I know this will sound minor to those with BIG problems with their teens, but everything is relative.


Some recent history:


I posted last month that my 16yo DD was caught shoplifting with her friends while on a weekend school trip. She had to be picked up from the event (a 2 hour each way trip for us), she was suspended from school for 3 days, we grounded her, we had to pay a $200 fine, she is not permitted to attend any school trips for the remainder of the year and of course, we lost the $160 paid for the trip. That's over.


Two weeks ago, I left DD and her two friends (aka "partners in crime") home for an hour and they got into the liquor cabinet. They poured vodka into water bottles. They hadn't had any yet, but obviously the intention was there. I sent the girls home and grounded DD again.


These two things were

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 9:53am

Awwww, Karen. I'm so sorry! I haven't read the other posts ... I'm just doing a fly-by here today, but I will throw in my two cents about the grades. Our dd was an honor student last year. As of two weeks ago9, she had a D in math right now and a C in science. Granted, these are not her best subjects, but we know she can do better. We told her we were removing the distractions that were causing her grades to slip. We told her she could not go on the internet, watch television or IM during the week when she had homework and could only have limited access on the weekends. When she went ahead and went online during the week, we closed her e-mail, IM, myspace and xanga accounts. She is not grounded, but she knows she can't go anywhere during the week until homework is done.

So far, so good. Her math grade is up to a C and I'm pretty sure her science grade will end up as a B. She decided not to try out for the school play (this is HUGE with her) so she could concentrate on her grades. It may be that your dd is truly distracted by all the social things and, if she has to cut back on that, she may find herself working a little harder.

I know it's semantics, but if you think about approaching it as something other than grounding, she might be willing to meet you halfway.

In the case of my dd - I know it might be different for yours - she has been struggling with low self-esteem this year. Seeing an improvement in her test and project grades has really given her a boost.

Good luck to you.

jt

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 10:25am

First of all, asking for help is anything but pathetic - it's being proactive in your desire to parent your dd in an effective way that works for the whole family!

Here's my input - use what you want, let the rest go.

School is definitely my dd's #1 JOB and the primary goal is to get the most out of it by doing her best and getting involved in extra curricular activities, bonding with at least one teacher who can take on the role as mentor in some regard (this will serve her well when she's applying to colleges later).

My dd's are required to be respectful and helpful. We are a team and we are ALL responsible for the general running of the household. We all do chores. However, everyone is entitled to be a foul mood on occasion and we all have to understand that at those times, it's sometimes best to give that person space - IN THIER ROOM, away from everyone - to decompress or get over it OR ask to talk about it. IOW, if my 16dd is having a bad day, her sister may pick up her chores, but then that means that 18dd has earned a free day so later in the week, dd16 will be expected to pick up one of her sister's chores. I don't expect my dd's to always be nice, but I do expect them to always be respectful of H and me. Even when they are angry and frustrated. We've been taught in counseling that if you cannot control what you will say in a fit of anger, it's best to take a time out. And that's what we try to do.

'Mouthing off'? It's so hard to turn the other way, but it is way more effective to turn a deaf ear to the mouthing off than respond with yelling or mouthing off of your own. I hate when my girls are fresh to me, and I let them know, "You're being very rude to me right now and I did nothing to deserve that. Please stop it" and then I leave the area/room until they get over it. It's not my problem anymore, it's thiers.

<

I allow my dd's to go to friends' houses after school and likewise, but by 8:30, the evening is over and it's time to get ready for the night and the next day. They need time to unwind and relax before bed, whether they realize it or not. MY 16dd has a friend who practically lives at our house and I sometimes have to tell her it's 8:30, time to go home now. She always laughs but she's gets going. And dd18's BF, he has to be out of here by 9:30 on school nights and 12:30 on Sat/Sun.

I allow my dd's to attend school sporting events at night during the week only if thier HW is completed and they are prepared for the next day's school.

I limit my 16dd's cell phone to make sure she is not on all night by taking it away. My 16dd only has a cell phone when she's out with her friends. She is not allowed to have it at school or around the house. And we removed the texting capability altogether - it's not necessary. My 18dd, since she is still a student and I pay for part of her cell bill, I review the bill and if any calls or texting is done during her school day, she loses the phone for a week.

I do not allow my dd's to watch TV past 10PM whether it's a DVD or video. <

>

Waking up and getting ready in the morning should most definitely be a part of this plan.

I allow one sleep over per weekend. Either a sleep out or a sleep over - only one per weekend. Otherwise, they get all burnt out and cranky by Sunday afternoon and who needs that?

<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 5:11pm

Thanks to all for your great ideas!! I actually took some notes and plan to have a discussion with DH on how we should be changing some things around here.


Even though DD thinks I am a 'psycho', I will still make the conference appointments with her teachers. She is a junior now and I have to do everything I can to help her understand how important this school year is.


I will plan to limit computer use - both DDs can benefit from this. The computer is one of the main source of problems. I have already taken them off of MySpace (with Daddioes expert pc assistance!!), and I am going to figure out how to put IM only on my screen name. This way, they can go on the pc for homework and not be interrupted by IMing. When all homework and chores are done, they may each have a short time on the computer - depending on how much time is left in the day. On the weekends, I will be a little more liberal with it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 10:09pm
Your situation is similar to mine. How did you get rid of MySpace from your computer? This is a biggie in our house, I hate it and see my DD on it while she is supposed to be doing homework. I'd also like to know how to block AIM as well....TIA for the information. Happy Holidays!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 8:24am

We very rarely "grounded" our children per se, but we did explain to them very clearly that if we don't trust them, they don't get unsupervised time and that had the effect of grounding both of my older girls for many, many months at a time on some occasions (one period each of over a year, for a particularly brazen breach of trust).

The time frames are almost always completely open ended - they're supervised until we trust them again and it's on them to figure out how to restore trust with us.

They never liked that very much, which indicated to me that we were on the right track.

A good, honest explanation of the role of parent and teenager helps.

Ours went something like this:

---

Your job is to push away. Our job is to rein you in enough to keep you from irrevocably hurting yourself or the family.

The more we trust you, the more freedom you will have. The more you cause us to mistrust you, the closer we will keep you under supervision.

How much freedom you have depends entirely on you. Lie, cheat, steal, break the rules, and you won't have any until you can convince us that we *should* trust you. Be careful to communicate with us, respect the restrictions we place on you, be honest and trustworthy in your behavior, and you will find that you can set your own schedule to a large degree.

It's up to you.

---

That, or variation on that, worked well for us.

ILR

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 8:49am
very well stated, ilr.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 11:49am

Hi. Below is the information for blocking MySpace that daddioe helped me with. I would love to figure out how to block AIM. If I can figure it out, I will post it here as a new thread.


First, you have to be set up as administrator and your kids as regular account users without administrator rights.
In your C: drive
Go to the Folder C:windows\system32\drivers\etc\
Open the file named "Hosts" with Notepad. This file does not have an extention. Make sure it stays that way. At the bottom, it should say something similar to: 127.0.0.1 localhost.
At the next line, add the following:
127.0.0.1 www.myspace.com
Add as many lines as you wish, all looking like: 127.0.0.1 (type the web address here)Make sure you leave spaces between the numbers and the web address.
There are other URL's that access myspace. Make sure you include them all. Click on File, then Save and reopen your browser.
Here are SOME of the URls that can access myspace. There may be others out there.
127.0.0.1 home.myspace.com
127.0.0.1 chat.myspace.com
127.0.0.1 forum.myspace.com
127.0.0.1 groups.myspace.com
127.0.0.1 www.myspace.com
127.0.0.1 profile.myspace.com


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 11:51am

I like that - thank you for sharing!


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Registered: 01-03-2006
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 12:04pm

Here is what went on in my house yesterday. Input is appreciated.


16DD came home from school and wanted to have Pete over. Pete is not yet a bf, but there is mutual interest. (She is still close with old bf of over 1 year and we are not entirely sure they are broken up. That is her deal - I won't get into that.) When Pete came over, they proceeded to go to our finished basement to 'hang out' (something we have allowed up to now). I explained to her earlier that this would no longer be allowed. She proceeded downstairs anyway. I called her, and asked her to come up. She protested loud and long (in front of Pete). I held strong. They watched TV in the family room everyone around and about. Pete left. DD then asked to go to a

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 5:31pm

Way to go with not yelling!!