Chaos reigns again. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Chaos reigns again. :(
10
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 7:52am

DD 15 N has been dating 16 y/o T for a little over 4 months now. He's good to her, they have a lot of fun together, they're both pretty "smitten" to say the least. We like T in spite of his bad boy reputation, which neither he or N have worked to hide from us. He's new to WI, moved here from GA in September, and comes with quite a history which N shared with me before he morphed into "Mr. Wonderful."

T and his 12 y/o sis live with their mom and her b/f about 8 or 10 blocks from us. The b/f has quite a reputation around town for having an explosive temper, being quite abusive to his g/fs or their children, and just being an all around bad-a$$ - the police are often called to break up the bar fights that he's part of.

In spite of his history, T has been really working on cleaning up his act, his mom says N has been a VERY positive influence in his life, she seems to like N as much as we like T. On Wednesday night, N and T had dinner with us, after he called the b/f to ok it, his mom works second shift. All is good, T eats with us, then he and N go to a friend's house to watch a movie. A couple of hours later b/f calls T and demands he get home... and that's where the trouble starts. T & b/f have had some pretty intense verbal fights in the past, but this time things got physical, and T has the bruises to prove it. B/f wouldn't let sis call mom at work, but finally mom got the word and went home, found out from T and sis all that had gone on (including b/f hitting T with a pan in the kitchen and picking him up off the floor by his hair) and mom makes arrangements for T and sis to stay with friends until she is able to get an apt for the three of them without b/f. All of this is really playing hard on N's nerves. She wasn't a witness to the violence, but heard about it from T when his mom took him to the friend's house (where N still was, watching the movie with friend, his g/f and friend's mom). She has been very difficult to live with since then, quick tempered, moody, tearful, and hasn't eaten much of anything since Wednesday night coz she's so upset. They were both here for dinner last night, and even though T tried to get her to eat something, she only had a few bites, he then told me that she didn't eat lunch yesterday and thru out the breakfast she bought at school yesterday morning. She just got up a little bit ago, and she looks like she hasn't slept all night.

I'm really worried about N. I know this is so upsetting for her, she really cares a lot about T and is worried about him, because he sees his mom taking him to stay with the friend as his mom kicking him out of the house. To me, she was making arrangements for a safe place for him to stay until she's able to make a home for the 3 of them away from the b/f, but T doesn't see it that way, probably again due to his history of having been in 3 foster homes in the past 5 years due to his mom's inability to take care of him and his sis.

To make matters more complicated, I strongly suspect that N & T are close to becoming sexually active, if they haven't already. This is my DD who just a month ago was saying she was going to wait until she was engaged to loose her virginity. (She's been on the pill for awhile to bring her periods under some control, so birth control is there, and we've had lots of talks about STDs and the need for condoms even if "a girl" is on the pill.)

This is all becoming overwhelming for me, and I'm not sure what to do or say with DD right now. She's been sooo moody since T's fight with b/f, even though we can normally talk about pretty much anything, I'm afraid to approach much with her now.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 8:42am
Aww Rose - I don't really have any advice but wanted to offer cyber-hugs.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:03am

I also don't have any advice, having not spent any time with a teen girl in many years...

But I wonder if T's feeling he's been tossed aside is because some of those foster care situations occurred because of mom's bf situations. Even if that's not the case, there is the real possibility mom won't ever move out with bf.

I don't know. It sure is sad, that's for sure.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:05am

Is she worried he will end up in foster care and be moved away? A family member back in GA? I dont know if this is a possibility but I would wonder what specifically about this is bothering her so much?

I know it's upsetting-it upsets ME! But what tiny piece is it she is agonizing over? Maybe there is some hidden question that you could help her with?

I would like to believe the mom is doing the right thing but....she is going to under the influence of the BF without the kids there to provide the other side. I think there is a good possibility history will repeat itself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:17am

Rose,

{{{hugs}}} to you and N -- and T too. I can only imagine how living through this with someone you really care about can be very stressful!

Didn't you post a few months back that T's mother was going to get her own apartment and move out on the bf? I guess she never did? Hopefully, she will have the courage to do it this time.

Gosh, this is such a scary thing to be involved with. Keep giving N and T lots of assurance and love and hopefully you'll all get through this tough time.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:01pm

This is really a tough situation for you & your DD to have to deal with. When you live in a "normal" loving family, it's hard to see that everyone isn't like that. I know T's mother must think that she's doing what she has to do right now, and maybe the laws aren't the same there, but instead of disrupting the kids, why isn't BF moving out? In MA (and I'm a family lawyer), the abused woman could get a restraining order throwing the BF out of the house and preventing him from contacting her and/or the kids or going near their school. Maybe if she threw BF out, her son would think she was more on his side. But there are always other issues that we might not know about.

There's not much you can do except inviting T to your house. It must be frustrating. Maybe your DD could talk to her school counsellor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 6:21pm

DD has a very good relationship with the school counselor, and if she isn't better by Sunday, I'm going to put a bug in the counselor's ear that maybe N has something she needs to talk about. She probably already knows at least some of it, coz T's mom would have to let the school that he's living elsewhere temporarily I would think.

Mom didn't kick the b/f out coz he owns the house, she and the kids moved in with him when they came here from GA. He's lived here in town for many years, I believe she met him through and internet relationship, or possibly met him briefly at some point when she was in the area visiting her parents who live 10 miles away from us, and pursued the relationship via internet. Yes, she was going to move out once before, because b/f and T didn't get along, but according to T, b/f is a very smooth talker when he wants to be, and sweet talked her out of leaving him. Hopefully she follows thru this time - though T says b/f has never hit him before, so this might make a difference.

I think N is afraid that either mom will pack T up and move him back to GA, or that he'll end up in foster care and she'll never see him again - or possibly that he'd end up living with his grandparents, who live in a different school district, and she wouldn't be able to see him anymore. Neither of the kids drive, but the one thing that she hasn't thought about in the grandparent scenario is that both his mom and I have driven the kids around when need be, to make life easier on them, so it's not like she or I wouldn't work on helping them see each other periodically.

N has to cheer tonight, and is currently at the home of the cheer captain - who's mom made pizza for the girls. N called a few minutes ago to tell me I need to get that mom's recipe, coz it's really good - so I think that has to mean she's eaten at least a little bit there.

Keep your fingers crossed for us here - just coz she "might" have eaten a little pizza doesn't mean we're out of the woods just yet.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:44pm
Oh Rose, I'm sorry N. is going through this right now! It must be really hard on her to see the boy she loves being hurt, and not really be able to do anything about it. As for the mom turning her life around for the sake of her children - all I can say is that you and I have both seen how well THAT works out. I wouldn't be holding my breath :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:20pm

On a much lighter note, I first read this post as CHAPS reigns again and thought we were in for a Chaps vs Axe discussion-LOL

Think the reading glasses need to become computer glasses :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:24pm

I know what you're saying... and I'm praying a LOT that this might be the time that she does. T is still at the friend's house, tonight we invited him out to dinner, and he stopped to get some money from his mom on the way - not that he needed any, coz we planned to feed him, but it was a good thought. Mom looks rough - very tired and stressed. Word has it that their stuff is pretty much packed up and she'll have furniture by the middle of the week, so hopefully this will be resolved very soon.

On a good note - N is back to eating with a vengance!! This is a good thing after the past few days. She didn't eat much yesterday or this morning, but by dinner tonight, she's eating again, and back to her happy self. And T is a different young man too - happier and more easy going than I've ever seen him - he seemed happy and fun before, but now he's so much more relaxed. We must have been seeing the results of the conflict with the b/f all along.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:14pm

Rose,

I'm sending a bunch of cyberhugs and prayers your way. I was in an abusive situation as a teen and my b/f (DH now) had a very hard time dealing with the fact that I was being hurt and there wasn't much he could do about it. I'm sure some of that is weighing on DD. But maybe seeing T feeling more relaxed about the situation will help her to realize that maybe this is for the best.

Good Luck!