Checking up on teens

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Checking up on teens
5
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 12:11am

Do you check up on your teens? One of the kids in the youth group that I work with has come to me and is asking why parents check up on their kids. I've explained it the best way that I know how but for me the checking up only started during the time that DD was going through the problems with the stalker ex-b/f and she was lying to me about the extent of things. I realize that this was an extreme situation (some of may remember but it was a long time ago and a long involved story that involved an ex b/f that threatened suicide, tampered with her car, followed her around, etc.). so I have a hard time separating my reasons for checking up on my DD with the reasons alot of parents check up on their teens.

Please explain to me in your best loving mom words - why do you check up on your teen and how is this going to help keep them safe?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:19am

I guess it depends on what you mean by "check up". I've told my DD that responsible behavior builds trust - so I check up on her less now, since she's shown me she's basically reliable. If I see evidence of it being otherwise - secretiveness, lying, etc - I'd check up more. I would still now want to either drive her in person, or call the parents, if she was going to a house I didn't know. I do want to know where she is (like between the end of school and when she gets home). But <> she's never given me a reason to doubt (not dumb, I stay aware, I know things can change).

Why do we check up? Well, we were teens once too - I remember the kind of dumb things kids did, and the impulsive and dangerous decisions kids make. In science-lingo, their pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed - that's the part of your brain that makes risk-related decisions. It's not their "fault" - they're just still developing. Brain development in this area doesn't stop until early 20s.

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 8:24am
Well, gee, because they're our kids! We are still responsible for them. We have a moral and legal obligation to know what they are doing. If something is going wrong in their lives, if they are making bad decisions, if they are having trouble with something, it is up to us, their parents, to find out and intervene. They are *not* adults, as badly as they would like to be. We have a duty to them to supervise them and make ourselves aware of what's going on their lives, as much as they may wish to keep such things secret. Problems such as drug addiction, alcohol addiction, abusive relationships, unsafe sexual activity, etc., require parental involvement and intervention. Teens don't always know how to reach out for help with these things if they find themselves sucked in to such problems. They need parents to help them and intervene before their lives are destroyed so they still have a fighting chance at a good life.
Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 3:44pm
Sometimes teens just don't have the best judgement and they aren't always honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 4:41pm
Someone here
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:45pm

We check up on our kids because we read and hear about all the crazy and/or illegal things teens do. If none of that existed in our world, we would not feel the need to check up on them. Some teens, e.g. our DS18, are so easily influenced by their friends/acquaintances. Even though we think we've raised them with solid morals and that we've taught them to obey the law, we check up to make sure that the pull of other kids is not overpowering all they've learned from us over the years.

If the student who asked the questsion is an independent thinker who'd never dream of getting in any trouble, and is an angel of a child, I can understand why she'd ask the question. Then I'd tell her that all kids her age are not as mature as she is, and that while she may not need to be checked on, others do.

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