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| Fri, 06-09-2006 - 7:46pm |
Hi everyone. Since our children were born, my husband and I have been active churchgoers. We also consider ourselves fairly conservative. We attend a conservative Christian church.
In the last year, my daughter has really begun to resent our church. She doesn't like the atmosphere, the youth groups or the people. She says that she does not believe in God, and she doesn't like the "selective" approach our church apparently takes. She seems to think that the congregation is judgemental of people of other religions and sexual orientations. I've talked to her, bought her books, and have her have talks with our pastor. Our church believes that homosexuality is a choice, and that homosexuals should not be granted rights for an immoral lifestyle. She is completely refusing to go anymore, and when I force her to go, she acts annoyed and bored.
This brings me to my second problem. She has met some like minded friends. There have been protests in our area about allowing gay "marriage" and going against the Constitutional Ammendment. She seems to think that I should let her go. It is completely against my beliefs.
So, any ideas about getting her back to Church? I don't want to change churches, and if I do it will be one with the same nature of beliefs. And I've always taught her to think for herself. How can I justify not allowing her to go protest?

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Hi, I don't have any real answers for you but wanted to commiserate with you as a fellow christian with a dd14 who sounds a great deal like your own dd. I've had discussions with my dd about homosexuality - I have always taught my kids first love and compassion. Not too long ago, I had an overwhelming fear of "what if" one of my kids were gay. I can't imagine the pain they would feel, feeling that I would not "accept" them. I need my children to know that I will accept them and love them, no MATTER WHAT. Yes, even if they turn out gay. If one of them did, I'd be shocked, because I've never seen any inclinations in that regard. I have to say, though, that I know at least one young boy who I realized from the time he was quite young that he would be homosexual. His parents used to laugh about the fact that "Ben has always liked girls." Well, Ben used to prefer the company of girls when other boys were hanging out with boys in a developmentally appropriate way - in other words, he "identified" with them. And as it turns out, he is gay. I do believe that homosexuality is not always a choice. Therefore, I've taught my children to be tolerant of homosexuals - realistically, if the Lord were to be here right now I don't believe he would be intolerant. He would show them love and compassion, IMO. You may not agree with what someone does, but you can always show them love.
The issue of gay marriage to me is not about homosexuality. I agree with Father Jonathan on this issue - you can read his blog on foxnews.com. It's more about the family. You should share your views with your dd but just be careful to do it in a non-judgmental way - LOL, easier said than done. I think your dd is probably just showing the compassion that you've raised her with - only not in the way you'd like. Tough, I know. I'd be more bothered by the fact that she says she doesn't believe in God. You might consider changing churches if your dd has seen such intolerance at your present church. She needs to know that not all christians are made of the same cloth, so to speak. I'm a fairly conservative person myself, but I don't see any value in being intolerant.
Just my two cents...
Kids today are more tolerant than in the past and I think it's a good thing. Let her go to the protest if you feel she'll be safe (and I don't mean from gays) And I wouldn't force her to a church that believes the opposite that she does.
And maybe try reading up on the choice vs. gene issue.
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It is difficult when our children start to think for themselves and I hope that she truly is thinking for herself and not just jumping on the bandwagon of a currently hot topic. It is my understanding from working with the youth in our church that is currently "popular" to claim to be an atheist. Also the gay marriage issue is in the headlines so it would be very easy for her to go along with the crowd. I think I might just drop the gay marriage issue b/c the harder you fight her on it the more she will rebel. I would base her attendance at protests based on her age and maturity level. If she's 14 - no she's too young to really attend this type of a rally. If she's a very mature 16 y/o, I seriously doubt if I would let mine attend but I would at least give it some consideration. If she's a mature 18, then I would simply restate my objections and let it be her choice provided I felt that she would be safe. Occassionally, political rallies can become violent and I would be very concerned about that.
I cannot remember your DD's age so the church attendance issue would also be based on that. If she's 14/15/16, I would insist that she attend Sunday School and Sunday morning worship with the family. I would not insist that she attend youth group or I might offer a compromise that she attend one program (not just a fun thing) once a month or something. If she's older, maybe just insist that she attend Sunday morning worship with the family. However, if she's older, I would give her option of choosing another church and let her attend on her own or the family attend with her once a month.
I read a scripture this morning that might give you some comfort. Basically it stated that we should think about/question our faith b/c that is how our faith becomes stronger. The teen years are years of questioning everything. If she is really challenging this and not just following others, she will most likely figure it out and be stronger in the end. I wish I could remember where I saw this verse and where it is in the Bible.
Good Luck and I hope things work out.
I think it is very natural for teens to question things, like religion, at about this age. My DD it about 2-3 years ago for imo, very valid reasons that are much different than your DD's. I have to admit that at that time, I didn't force her to go to church.
An interesting thing happened, however. When he came time for her to start high school, she wanted to attend a private Catholic high school. (She had a rather bumpy ride in middle school and she just wanted to get as far away from the same old classmates as she could.)
Anyway, she doesn't get much of a say in her schedule and she is required to take four years of religious studies -- from a Catholic perspective -- and we're not Catholic. In just a few months, she found herself drawn back to her own faith and beliefs, where she found she was much more comfortable.
The homosexuality issue is a very touchy issue and like mom_dragonfly, if one of my kids told me they were gay, it would come as a blow but I could never stop loving them, judge them or do anything dramatic or drastic. And I do like tobylady's suggestions about her involvement in church activities.
As a Catholic who has had issues with some of the policies of my church throughout my entire life I have found that it IS possible to practice a faith and yet NOT agree with 100% of its teachings. There are things that are at the core of a faith and then there are what I consider to be "interpretations" of a faith. The issue of homosexuality and gay marriage and abortion and divorce and birth control are all "interpretations" mandated by senior clerics and not really about core values of the faith. Let's be frank here -- nobody REALLY knows "what Jesus would do" do they? They can speculate or imagine but in the end there are as many answers as there are believers.
In the end your dd will have to make her own decisions, won't she? You could drag her to church and force her to follow all its teachings or you could give her the information (which you have) and let her come to her own conclusions. Maybe her conclusions will not be the same as yours. We raise our kids and teach them best we can but God gave us all free will and the ability to choose and your dd will choose for herself.
This is an important test of your relationship. There will be other decisions she will make like what college she will attend, what boyfriend she will choose, where she will live, what career she will pursue, who she will marry and so on and so on. And as a parent you will need to decide how you want to deal with her choices. Will you seek to understand them? Or seek to control them?
I see this as two different issues-maybe three
One, thinking for herself and developing an individual belief system
Two, attending services with her family
Three, the protest
I think you should allow her to question and talk it over with you in as non judgemental a way as possible. I think you should provide her with access to books and persons of varying beliefs-not just shuttle her off to your church's ministers. I think its healthy to question and work that brain a little
I also think you should insist she continue to attend services with you because its part of your family life-and that has nothing to do with religion IMO. My teens acted bored and annoying at every family gathering and even vacations(I always chuckle at that cruise commercial where the parents make a big deal about catching the young girl smiling and she stops as soon as she seen someone notice)I still think they need to participate-maybe not EVERY time but I didnt let them stay home every time they looked bored either
If she continues to protest going, throw her a crumb where she can choose to stay at home one day a month or whatever seems 'doable'. But, ultimately, this is what YOUR family does just like some eat dinner with grandparents on Sundays or have annual picnics-whatever!
The protest? As someone else has already said, thats entirely about her age and teh safety factor. Stuff like that can get out of hand no matter who attends or what the issue. I'd say no to 16 and under. 17? Mayyybeee...
I think you should applaud your daughter for her stance on this civil rights issue. I also think that NO ONE, no matter what age, should be forced to attend religious services -- especially if they don't agree with a particular faith.
With regard to the protest, I think she might be too young to attend that sort of event. I've been to a variety of rallies/protests, and other posters are right -- they can get out of hand. Perhaps you can "justify" not allowing her to go by telling her that the protest, to some extent, is unnecessary, since the amendment is not going to pass. Perhaps you could also soften the blow by providing her with other ways to express her opinion. For instance, she
I gotta go with Wolverine here. You say you want your daughter to think for herself...YET you insist on imposing your dogma/belief system on her. If you really want her to be a Christian then let her GO! What value is there in dragging her to church with you? Let her decide for herself what her beliefs are. Thats why they are called BELIEFS and not an edict. You need to let her go. If she wants to be a REAL Christian, someone who believes...she will come back. If she never comes back, then she never was and there is nothing you can do to force it. Most people who leave do not simply need more hours in church or more explanation or to be coerced.
FURTHER, you should applaud your daughter for her civic activism. If it weren't for a lot of people going against those is Power and speaking up for those being denied rights.....where would Christians be at all? Jesus himself spoke up for those who had no voice. I don't want to turn this into WWJD in relation to homosexuality, because neither of us can answer that question; not the Catholic Church, not the Christian right, not anybody. There is no phone or fax machine we can use to communicate directly with Jesus. We can see that Jesus is said to have spoken up for those who were marginalized and reviled (draw your own obvious correllation). He taught us that it is not easy or popular to stand up for your belief.
Where would we be if people didn't speak out against slavery? Against desegregation? Women's rights? Repression? Against religious/political tyranny? Does the Spanish Inquisition ring a bell? Do you know how hard it was for Christians (Protestants) to break off from the Catholic Church? It took more than simple dissent.
I should note that I was raised Presbyterian, with church attended every Sunday with my Sunday school teacher mother whom I loved and respected. I left the Church on my accord and my mother let me go. I did not believe and making me go to church would not have changed that, in fact it would have made me resent my mother. I am not simply ignorant to Christian beliefs. SECOND, I believe being a homosexual is not a choice. Why on earth would anyone in their right mind choose to be reviled and hated by 9/10ths of the population? You think thats a choice anyone would make? To be hated/judged/lectured by your own family?
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