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| Fri, 06-09-2006 - 7:46pm |
Hi everyone. Since our children were born, my husband and I have been active churchgoers. We also consider ourselves fairly conservative. We attend a conservative Christian church.
In the last year, my daughter has really begun to resent our church. She doesn't like the atmosphere, the youth groups or the people. She says that she does not believe in God, and she doesn't like the "selective" approach our church apparently takes. She seems to think that the congregation is judgemental of people of other religions and sexual orientations. I've talked to her, bought her books, and have her have talks with our pastor. Our church believes that homosexuality is a choice, and that homosexuals should not be granted rights for an immoral lifestyle. She is completely refusing to go anymore, and when I force her to go, she acts annoyed and bored.
This brings me to my second problem. She has met some like minded friends. There have been protests in our area about allowing gay "marriage" and going against the Constitutional Ammendment. She seems to think that I should let her go. It is completely against my beliefs.
So, any ideas about getting her back to Church? I don't want to change churches, and if I do it will be one with the same nature of beliefs. And I've always taught her to think for herself. How can I justify not allowing her to go protest?

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IMHO, I think that you should let your DD find her way. You've already set the ground work and you've provided a good example. Now it's time for her to decide what she wants to do with what you've taught her. I don't think anyone should be forced into any religous belief. By forcibly imposing your beliefs upon her, you may drive her even further away. I say this from personal experience.
Let me give you a quick summary of where I'm coming from. My DH and I were raised Roman Catholics and we've raised our two kids similarly. In the last year or so, my DH has increased his devotion to the point where he tries to follow each and every rule to the letter. He doesn't question anything. He just follows the laws of our faith. I, on the other hand, question many aspects of our religion. This has caused so many arguements between us that we don't even discuss religion anymore. For the sake of our marriage, it's become a taboo topic. In fact, his exessive devotion (or as I see it, his fanaticism)is causing me to pull away from the Catholic religion. So you see, by forcing your DD, you many actually push her in the opposite direction. That would be a shame since IMHO, I think everyone needs faith of some sort or another.
I'm not suggesting that you totally give up on her. I am only suggesting that you allow her the freedom to seek God in her own way. Perhaps she'll return to your religion. Perhaps she'll find another one. Hopefully, she won't continue not believing. Whatever she decides, it's her decision. We can only hope that our kids don't wonder too far away.
Mily
Well, I have to agree w/ the other posters--the more that you "force" your DD to go to church and the more you try to convince her that your beliefs about gays are the only right ones, the more she is going to go in the opposite direction. I don't know if forcing her to go to church is good or bad, if it's something that you have always done as a family, you have other kids, etc., as long as you know that she's going to be bored and resentful. We all make our kids go to some things they don't want to do. You probably shouldn't make her go to youth group.
But you can't have it both ways. You can't have a DD who you have taught to think for herself and then expect that she will see everything your way. I was raised Catholic, another church that thinks homosexuality is wrong, although we should not be against gay people or deprive them of their rights. Therefore, I respect your right to believe that is against your religious beliefs, although I don't agree with it myself. I had a gay brother (who died) and I certainly don't think that he "chose" to be gay. All through high school, he dated girls and was very popular with girls, and also had a lot of male friends. It just wasn't who he was. If you think about it, could you choose to be gay if you were not attracted to other women? Well, then why do you think that gays can choose not to be attracted to people of the same sex? Well, I'm not going to argue with you on that point.
The more I thought about gay marriage, the more I have thought that it is the right thing to do, mostly from a legal issue. Maybe some sort of "domestic partner" law could also accomplish the same things. Since gay couples are having children, it doesn't make sense to me that if the bio parent dies, the other parent, who has raised the children since birth would have no rights. It also makes no sense that people who are living as a family would have to buy two health insurance policies because they can't get married, etc.
My ex & I "made" our kids go to religious classes until they made their confirmation in 10th grade. They always talked about how boring it was and frankly, since the teachers are volunteers, sometimes you don't get very good teachers. The funny part about it is that my DD joined a youth group in a protestant church that is open to teens of any religion and it is so popular, they have about 500 members. Last summer she went to overnight camp for a week with the group. When she came home, she told me that they had chapel every day, Bible study and spent a lot of time talking about serious topics. She thought it was great. If I ever told her to read the Bible, she would look at me like I was nuts. So the church you go to might not be the right one for your DD. There are other Christian churches which are not as conservative and anti-gay. Maybe you wouldn't enjoy that, but everyone is still reading from the same Bible, believing in the same God and Jesus, so maybe she could explore going to other Christian churches to find one that she is more comfortable with. That way, she will still be following a religion, but she can make her own decisions. You might even find that you like going with her sometimes.
Everyone has good points on this discussion and I don't know that I can add much. I did want to support some of the ideas suggested already:
Would you be comfortable with her attending other churches with the same basic beliefs? Or even churches with completely different beliefs? Maybe she could attend church with friends or have friends come with her to your church? Maybe she gets a once a month "get out of church free" pass?
Encourage your DD to question religion and belief systems. It's how we learn what's most important to us and teaches us that beliefs are deep and true--not something we *have* to subscribe to because someone told us to. I've learned more from my friends of other religions by honest debate than I ever did from my mother or our minister. It helped me identify what I do believe and why.
Maybe she needs to hear the religious teachings from a different person, in a different environment, etc. at this point in her life. We all learn things differently at different ages. Given the opportunity, I'll bet you'd be pleasantly surprised to find her embracing the teachings she's grown up with because she's been given the chance to learn *why* she believes rather than feeling like she *has* to believe. It may take time (I know it did for me) but her faith will be stronger for it.
I also believe she can learn a lot from being involved in some of the hot topics of the day--including gay rights. HOWEVER, rallies and protests have the capacity to become violent and at this age she is not able to handle that type of situation. Don't let her go alone. Don't let her go as part of a group of teenagers (heaven knows they don't think rationally as individuals, crowd mentality is even scarier). But try as hard as you can not to forbid her to have a voice on the issues and help her find small ways to be involved. She make look back later in life and disagree with her young self, but at least she was willing to think and take a stand, express herself, and question they whys of things.
Just my opinion.
Dani
For the most part I agree with you, but something has happened lately and I have to disagree that homosexuality is not EVER a choice. At my dd14's middle school, many of the girls are saying they are gay or bisexual b/c it appears it's the "in" thing at the moment, and I'm getting this from my own dd. This appears to be only with the girls - the gay/bisexual guys are still getting horrible treatment. I do believe that there are some people who make a lifestyle choice, in fact I heard someone the other day on t.v. who mentioned very clearly she had made a lifestyle choice and that "this is working for me right now". It doesn't happen often, grant you, but it does happen...
You've made it clear that raising a child in the church doesn't guarantee they will stay with it. When do you think you first lost your faith? Was it in college?
I too am getting the feeling that 'playing at gay' is becoming popular
Scary because it sure isnt going to help with any issues existing and true gays are having.
"For the most part I agree with you, but something has happened lately and I have to disagree that homosexuality is not EVER a choice. At my dd14's middle school, many of the girls are saying they are gay or bisexual b/c it appears it's the "in" thing at the moment, and I'm getting this from my own dd. This appears to be only with the girls - the gay/bisexual guys are still getting horrible treatment. I do believe that there are some people who make a lifestyle choice, in fact I heard someone the other day on t.v. who mentioned very clearly she had made a lifestyle choice and that "this is working for me right now". It doesn't happen often, grant you, but it does happen...
Being a homosexual is less about the actions one makes than the orientation one HAS. A vegetarian is such by definition because they choose to not eat meat, BUT they CAN eat meat when they crave it, get sick of tofu, or plain old change their mind. A cow is
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