The Cliques

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
The Cliques
4
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:33pm

It was a mystery to me when I was a teen and it is yet again a mystery to me as my dd is a teen -- how do people get into the cliques they get into?

Sometimes its obvious...the jocks are in the jock cliques, the "fast" girls are in the "fast girl" cliques, the kids who use drugs are in their own "stoner" clique -- these things were there even when I was a teen and they still are there. And then of course there is some trend du jour like at one time it was punk rockers and now there are "emo" kids who hang together.

But then there are the not so obvious cliques -- the ones with the "popular" kids who seem to be the ones with the most social events and parties and get-togethers. Its not always the best looking or the smartest or the richest or the most talented kids in these groups. I know this one kid who lives a few houses away who is my dd's age. That kid is tall, gangly, not very attractive and heck not even friendly and yet he is invited to all the parties and all the events. Meanwhile on the other end of the street is kid B, much better looking, much nicer, interestingly, also into all the sports and guitar and stuff as the other kid is but kid B isn't part of the "in" crowd.

My dd is part of a large extended group of friends. If they meet for a movie or day out and the core group plus extended hangers-on tag along they are about a dozen girls. And when I think of the close friends of friends its still all the same -- pretty, smart, friendly, talented girls who are liked and well-known but yet none of them have ever had a boyfriend (they are all going on 16) or a date even. And when the formal sweet 16 parties are being held none of them are getting invites. It doesn't bother any of them because they have their own get-togethers for each others sweet 16's, of course. But its still a mystery to me. The actual "in-crowd" of kids is so tiny, really such a small percentage of the total. And yet they manage to find each other and stick together through their entire high school years.

I wonder sometimes what happened to those in-crowd kids I knew as a teen. One couple I know who were just leaders of the pack in high school are still together. They are married, rich, fat (lol) with kids of their own. Others were less succesful in their lives ie those great looking guys who never had much in the head who went on to become ditch-diggers and the like. So, in-crowd or not, their odds of success and not-so-much-success were the same as the rest of us in the end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:02am

For myself over the last 20 years I'd seen a few of them off and on, mostly at their jobs. I've signed up on classmates.com a couple of times, once found my childhood friend and then lost touch again when my computer went down.

It doesn't matter where you go, where you work there's always those cliques. I've been working in the unit I have for not quite a year and when I transferred in, oh man was the cliquiness ever evident. Tomorrow I start back in the unit I was at last year (on day-shift this time) and the cliquiness isn't as bad there, it's much more into team-work and getting the job done. I've never been one to like being in a clique, not even in high school. I can get along with just about anyone and prefer to stay on the fringes and be one of those tag-alongs when it suits me.

I imagine there'll be cliques when I eventually get to the old-age home too. Yikes.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:49am

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You'd better believe it Sallie, I've been working in nursing homes for 25 years or so, and there tends to be the same cliquiness pattern that you see everywhere that women gather. (Nursing homes are usually very, very female dominated, just coz us women live longer.) There's this "sweet little old lady" stereotype out there... but the truth is, old age tends to make us more the people we've been throughout our entire lives. If we've been outgoing and kind most of our lives, we get to be sweet, kind little old ladies. If we've been angry and bitter most of our lives, we get to be angry, bitter old ladies. If we've thrived on gossip most of our lives, we get to be nosey, gossiping old ladies. OTOH, all that life experience makes people better at playing the game... right now we have a couple of ladies living in our home that most of the world thinks are just the sweetest, kindest gals (a real switch from who they were 30 years ago!)... but the reality is, they're good at putting on a show - the reality is, they are capable of saying the meanest, cruelest things when they think nobody is listening, and engage in the most hurtful gossip in the place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:44am

I've often wondered the same thing!!

My DD is in 7th grade and I just can't figure out the popular clique thing in her class. She (and everyone else) calls certain girls "the popular" girls but it is only 2 girls and not many of the other girls will hang around with them!!! How does that make them popular????? The only thing I can think of is they are the ones I would define as "boy crazy". A lot of boys will hang around them--but if I might add--it's not the boys I would consider "good catches". All of them are the trouble makers in the class and I would NEVER want' my DD to hang out with them!!

Another thing I decided is that the parents have a lot to do with it too. The mom of the "Queen Bee" in DD's class acts more like her friend and encourages the boyfriend relationships (she is only 12!). I can see her buying the alcohol for parties for her DD when she is in HS.

And I agree that it doesn't seem to matter about how cute or rich either, at least at her school.

Karin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: diamondslb
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 6:39pm

Your post reminded me of a breakthrough moment I had with my DD when she was in 6th grade. I said "if those girls are so popular, how come nobody likes them?" It really helped de-mystify the "popular" girls for my DD - and she spread the news - they started referring to that small group as the "self-declared popular girls" LOLOL

The same phenomenon happens in my DD's HS, but she is much less intimidated by it than she was when she was younger!