Closed Doors?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Closed Doors?
10
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:18pm

My 17 year old son is in his first serious relationship with a girl who seems like a really nice girl. My son has given me no reason not to trust him - we talk openly, he hasn't gotten into any trouble, he gets pretty good grades, drives responsibly, doesn't fight with me. In short, I have absolutely nothing to complain about with him, amazingly enough. I am sure my mother wishes she had had it so good with me.

So my question is this - Girlfriend came over for dinner and a movie with us last night at home. After the movie, they went into his room and closed the door. I hadn't had a prior discussion about this with him, or even really thought about it. My husband asked me what we should do - I was kind of clueless. I eventually ended up knocking on the door and opening it. They were laying on his twin bed, watching TV, kind of snuggled up, but fully clothed.

So what's the rule in your homes? No closed doors? Or do your tell them what you expect from them as far as no sex in your house and trust them? What about when he turns 18? He will be living here for at least the first year of college, maybe more. Thanks for the input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: jillaginn
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 3:08pm

I haven't got to that point yet. But, I will have no problem letting my DDs (all 4 of them, when time comes for each one) know in no uncertain terms: no sex in my home until they are over 18, and in a committed relationship for a while and they're coming over to visit me. When they're young and dating and having a snuggle up with their date, it needs to be in the LR with the lights on and the doors all open (LR doesn't have a door:o))

This is your house and you have every right to set the rules down. If you're ok with it don't change anything, if you're not ok with it, you need to have a discussion with your son. It's probably a good time to have a discussion with him anyway.

Good luck

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: jillaginn
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 3:37pm
Doors open at all times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: jillaginn
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 5:12pm
I agree with the doors open at all times rule.
That has always been a rule in our house, from an early age.
No matter how good the kid, that much privacy during a time of raging hormones makes it a challenge to not go too far. Ask my neighbor whose teen daughter is now a mom.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: jillaginn
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 8:11pm

We are recently going thro this our 15 yr old has a girlfriend who comes over friday nights for a couple hours. She is only 14. Last night when they were out at the computer she was sitting on his lap so dh is gonna have a talk with him again. We have said door open and yet found him to go in his room and close the door so we walk right in and remind him. Ive explained that the open door isnt just our rule its about respect for her and her own moms wishes. The kids computer is outside his bedroom door and he claims if dd is on computer then they have no privacy to "talk" if the door is open. Too bad I say.

My not yet 15 neices mom recently read a note she had written to her bf about what an amazing year it has been with him and how she lost her virginity to him Her Mom almost had a stroke they are supervised at her home but thinks not enough at his home and then thinking back over the summer the two kids took walks around the pond hmmmmmmm. So even the most careful parents dont catch everything.

 Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: jillaginn
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:42am
We don't allow the boys to have girls in their bedrooms, period.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: jillaginn
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:00am

We pretty much do not allow entertaining friends of the opposite sex in their bedrooms thru high school. We have the livingroom for that, and everyone has a tv in their own room, that if one of the kids is entertaining in the living room, the rest of us have somewhere else to go. Once they got out of high school, we did let the boys have g/fs in their room, door open. No overnighters though, ever. The first time we allowed an overnighter in our house was when DS who was 21 at the time had his fiance stay over a couple of nights the week before their wedding. But we did discuss these rules with the kids ahead of time, and tied them in with our belief that sex comes with an adult, committed relationship, and while they could do what they wanted outside of our home once they were adults, this is the way it's going to be in our home. DS is in the USMC, and truthfully, the situation never came up prior to the week before the wedding with him and his fiance because they got engaged after he enlisted, so I'm not sure how we'd have dealt with it prior to their engagement. However, a week before the wedding definitely falls into the category of "adult, committed relationship" in my book.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
In reply to: jillaginn
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:13am

My rule is that they stay in the common areas of the house. I'm willing to vacate the living room for him to watch a movie etc.. but the bedroom is off limits.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
In reply to: jillaginn
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:53pm

I'm not sure what we're going to do about this problem yet as ds is 14 and yet to have a girlfriend. However, I have made it very clear that, unlike his dad, I have the ears of a bat. I hear EVERYTHING that goes on in this small house. Where flat out rules are ignored I hope pure embarrassment steps in. :)

There was a time when one of his friends would show up with a girl and they'd all crowd into his room. I often had several excuses to pop into his room on those nights, not least of which was to meet this 'new person in my house'. "Anyone want a cookie?" "Hey who's playing guitar? That sounds good!" "Here's your laundry!" I only knock on his door when he's alone.

I think I'm known as the irritatingly friendly mother. :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: jillaginn
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 6:36am
Better to be the irritatingly friendly mother than the way too young grandmother!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: jillaginn
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 10:12am

My dd is 19 and a freshman in college. Her b/f is 18 a senior in high school.

They are not allowed in either one of their homes to be alone in a room with the door closed. In fact, they have a family room in his basement and most of the time parents are with them. We have just a living room and when they are in our house, they are downstairs with us.

Now, I am not a fool, where there is a will there is a way. She stays in a dorm about 20 from home during the week and home onthe weekends. He does occassionally take her up on Sundays. She is on the pill. They have been dating for over two years. But to quote his mother "I cannot tell you not to have sex, I would be a hypocrit, but I will not make it easy for you".

Just my two cents!!!!!

Andie