college expenses /working

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
college expenses /working
27
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 3:03pm

I am divorced & dealing with an issue with my ex about my daughter who is a freshman in college. He feels she should have worked full-time last summer & that giving her $50/mo is enough for her to pay for all extra expenses she incurs (that includes things like drugstore items, clothing, extra food, activities, all extra class fees-she had to have a background check, fingerprinting & computer program for example because of her major, car expenses, etc.) Whatever the $50 doesn't cover should come out of the money she got from her summer job.


She did work part-time but with other commitments and honestly lack of opportunity didn't work full-time. I don't think she should have been expected to either to be honest. I feel we should be helping with the extra class expenses, clothing, car, etc. as she is still only 18 & that we should gradually wean her off dependency on us not just cut her off at the knees because she turned 18 & graduated from high school. I view college as the transition time to full independence & adulthood and toward full-time employment when she graduates from there. It is causing ongoing issues between my ex & me. I also feel we should each do as we see fit.


Another point is that although we have a large portion of her school funding

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 2:34pm
No, my whole thing is that he thinks that is sufficient for her in this day & age, that he can dictate to me what I do, the issue of her working full-time over the summer & having her car with her. Those are all issues I'm questioning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 2:38pm

There just aren't full-time jobs for kids in this area. She also was gone for several weeks of the summer & had orienttation at college for a couple days. All were time away from time she could have been working. She got in as many hours as they would schedule her at the restaurant where she worked. I think that is the best anyone should expect. She does pay for some of the car expenses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 3:14pm

How about a bus? There must be "inter town" buses?

My kid goes to university 2.5hrs away and not on a direct highway. She takes the bus on the weekends she comes home which is,of course, not every weekend. Since 99.999% of the kids at her university don't have cars and most are from elsewhere, the Friday night bus has more than a few student coming home. The times we drove up to get her does not cause enough "wear and tear" on the car to negate the cost of her having her own car. It is after all highway driving. It is city driving that "wears" a car more. I would also tend to believe that having someone else do the driving is safer that the kid driving only.

My kid's university is also in a very small town. If they go out, off campus, they will call a taxi. That solves the "designated driver" problem. Since it is small town, its town bus service is not that frequent. But the kids check the schedules and plan accordingly when they need to go grocery shopping. All other times, they walk and, when it is not winter, they bike.

Like I said, we come from different cultures. Here, people don't generally buy their kids cars.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 4:05pm

I totally understand why she couldn't work full-time (40hr/wk) during the summer between HS and her first year at college.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:28pm
most of the kids at her school have cars- I really don't want her on a bus alone-the kids ride the local bus some into the nearby city to a couple things like the mall & ball games on a fixed schedule that is designed for the university but that's all they use it-too many looneys out there going cross country-her school is not the only one-it's all the schools in this area-the kids have cars once they start driving & all drive them all through high school & beyond, taking it away from her when she leaves for college seems like a penalty or punishment to me- why? she has done
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:31pm

Okay... I get it. The fact is that when you are divorced, there are lots of issues just like this that come up. It is totally a different dynamic than when the two parents are married to each other. It sounds like your divorce is recent and if so, you are probably still in that stage where what he thinks is more important to you than it should be. Here is how I cope when the kids' dad and I do not see eye to eye.


If it is court ordered like child support or college expenses, we have to do at least that. If he chooses to do more than that, that is his choice as it is if he chooses not to. If there is an expense like you are talking about where one of the kids needs XXX amount of $, I tell him what they need and ask what he is willing to do... He decides and I do the rest. If it is something I can't do then I tell the kids and they have a choice of coming up with the $ I can't if they want to do it badly enough.


As for the car at college, I couldn't care less what his dad thinks because DS and I want him to have the car. He pays for ALL his own gas, his dad pays for the insurance, the car is paid for. DS's university is over 4 hrs away and I want him to have a way home if he wants to come home. It would be ridiculous otherwise because someone would have to drive 8-9 hrs twice to get him home and back... Silly!


I do NOT want my kids to work full time in the summer.... There will be plenty of years that they work full time plus year round..... I want them to have "down" time in the summer... to work part time in the summer and a few hours during college. As for high school, I prefer they not work during the school year.... There is enough time to be an adult.... They need to be allowed to be kids and make the transition to adulthood.


Oh, and you have to come to a place where when he tries to dictate to you what YOU should/have to do, you simply listen and then when you walk away you think...."Okay.... time to go back to MY castle where I am the QUEEN!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:34pm

If my son did not have a car he would not be able to come home EXCEPT when we were able to spend an entire day driving to pick him up to get him home and a full day back. There is no bus service here.


My kids each got a car when they turned 16. There is NO taxi in our town or any town within 25 miles. There is no transportation in my town. So, if they don't have a car a parent drives them or they walk..... which means if they have a working parent they have no way to get to a job.... Catch 22.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:44pm

First You have two great looking "young men". Thank you for all your comments. My xh & your xh sound like they are out of the same mold. I agree that she needs to have some enjoyment in her life too at this poiint. She is very conservative in her expenditures. The divorce settlement didnt address the college because in our brilliant state I guess it can't. We have "most" of the money put aside so that is lucky. I am putting this house on the market right after the first of the year but in the lousy RE market we have right now it could be a long time until it sells.


He doesn't count a dime of the money I put toward the day to day things or the times I hand her a $10 or $20 here & there when she is home & needs it for something. I really don't care at this point how much he gives her (I give up on that)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 8:32pm

I basically agree with everything you are saying. I am not going to spend what amounts to a full day of my weekend driving back

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 8:42pm

She's a good kid & I'm proud of her :)


Good for her and for you. That's the only thing that is important. It took me a long time to not let what my ex though affect me. When you spend many years caring what someone thinks, that doesn't change overnight. Hang in there and do what you think is right IN SPITE of what he says or does.