college students at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2013
college students at home
11
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 1:20pm

i just found your chat room and need advice from seasoned parents

i have 3 sons (through the foster care system, they have lived with us for 5 years) they are 20 (we have adopted), 17 and 15 years

my oldest son is living at home (taking a break from school), he no longer feels it necessary to follow our house rules (curfew, chores, etc).  his brothers are now starting to follow his lead.  he doesn't have any money because he spends it before he earns it (he is now learning a hard lesson that he didn't learn the first two times we tried to teach fiscal responsibility).  all of my friends say we need to kick him out due to his disruptive and disrespectful behavior.  he doens't have any friends he can mooch off of because they all live at home.  what should we do... kick him out or something else, although I don't know what else to do at this point.  thanks for your advice.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 5:27pm

My $.02 - if he's not in school he should be contributing money and/or time to living in your home (unless he's, say, doing a full time internship toward his degree).  I would have a hard time kicking my ds21 out (believe me, there have been times) as he, too, isn't frugal and just expects us to cover him, but he's still in school FT and barely makes enough at his PT job to cover his gas money.  I think it'd be time to sit down as a family (including the younger ones, esp if they've started in with the 'tude) and discuss now that they're getting older and living at home, things need to change.  I lived at home in college and since my mom didn't drive I took her grocery shopping, made dinner nightly since I got home from college before she got home from work, etc.  Divvy things up so everyone is working together as a team based on their age and availability.  Nothing wrong with getting ds to cook (mine loves doing it, as did I, and it's obvoiusly a useful skill), or alternating who cooks what night, who plans the meals, etc.  Charge rent if you want, or have him kick in food money for the house, or whatever you feel comfortable with.  I'm sure it won't be easy but at least get him to recognize what things cost, what he needs to make if he's going to go it alone, etc.  Then if you do decide to kick him out eventually for still not pulling his weight, at least you'll know he knows what it'll take to make it on his own. FWIW.

Sue

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