Coming home late?
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Coming home late?
| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 10:23pm |
My DD is 18, and has been pushing the limits for a while now.
She came home late 3 nights in one week, always with excuses" I had to bring my friend home", I lost something and had to look for it" etc.
I infomred her last night that for at least a week she is to drive to school, to work, and home. Will not be going out with friends, will not be going anywhere.I have honestly had it, and very bluntly told her if i hear" well i am 18" one more time she will be moving out right then.No car, no cell phone no nothing.Her car , cell, insurance are either in my name or on my policy/contract.
What do other parents of teens do? We have only been having issues with her for a few months, sort of "feeling her oats"

I think I need a little more information before I offer an opinion.
For instance, what exactly is "late"? Do you mean late as in a time (she comes home at 3 am), or late as in breaking curfew? When she is going to be later than a certain time, does she call you and tell you so you don't worry? Is she still in high school? Or college or working? Is she neglecting work or her studies because she can't get up in the morning? Are her grades suffering?
Does she have responsibilities around the house (chores, etc.) that she's neglecting because she is coming home late? Does she have "restricted" driving privileges (in my state you have time and passenger restrictions for the first year you're driving) that she's violating by coming home late? Is your curfew rigid, or does she have some leeway (basic leeway in my house without a phone call is 15 minutes).
I guess what I'm trying to find out is if her lateness is something that's causing you worry (something that could be alleviated with a phone call), something that's inappropriate (coming home at 2-3 am at 18), or simply a matter of ignoring and/or breaking your rules (something that could be solved by negotiation).
Don't get me wrong - it's your house, your car, your cell phone, your rules - she can follow them or leave. And I myself am sick to DEATH of the "I'm 18 and can do what I want" line. But she IS 18, and if she's going to school, doing her chores, showing respect to the other people in the house, going to work, etc., then what difference doesn it make what time she comes home (within reason, of course, and showing respect) - she is, after all, an adult. Yes, you can ground her, and yes, she can "run away" (although it's not really running away once they're adults) - but is this serious enough to prompt that kind of action and the results it will bring?
On the other hand, if she's neglecting chores or schoolwork, then by all means - implement your restrictions. As "adult" as 18 year olds think they are, they don't know the repurcussions of blowing off school. And if your curfew is a reasonable one, she should adhere to it.
Before I get slammed for making it sound like I think you should let your child do whatever she wants because she's 18, I'm not - no matter where in life you are (school, home, job, etc.), there are rules to be followed and restrictions to which we must adhere...but maybe a negotiation of the curfew, or an agreement that after a certain time, she'll call in periodically, will alleviate some of the stress.
My two oldest DSs turned 18 in September of their senior year of high school. Prior to turning 18, their curfew was 10 on school nights, midnight on non-school nights. When they turned 18, their curfew was "decent and reasonable as long as your grades, chores and work do not suffer." Which was interpreted as, 11 or 11:30 one or two nights a week or 1-2 a.m. on occasion wasn't going to get them in trouble, as long as they didn't make a habit of it. After they graduated high school, the rule became "tell me if you won't be home for dinner, and call if you're not coming home." For the most part, they used this freedom wisely, their grades didn't suffer, and they even seemed to start coming home earlier on occasion than they would otherwise have.
Every teen is different though, and while my kids have handled this kind of freedom well while they were still in high school, many would not. Z (who is 19) went to army basic training the summer between his junior and senior year, and in terms of having a responsible, self-disciplined senior year, it was the best thing for him - he turned 18 in November of his senior year.
Good luck - I'm with the other poster though, just how late is "late"?
Rose
I am curious about this too since my DD will turn 18 on March 5. In our state, drivers under 18 can't drive after midnight, so that was the curfew right there. Yes, she has been a few minutes late at times. She was only really late once or twice. Once I got up at 12:30 and she still wasn't home, so I called her. She was still at a friend's house and "lost track of time" since they were downloading songs on his computer. Funny, don't all computers have the time right on the screen? I stayed up to wait for her and she knew I was really angry, but I didn't even punish her. I just talked to her and she didn't do it again. I was more concerned about her getting a ticket, otherwise, I really would have not insisted that she be home by midnight.
We have had the talk about how turning 18 doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants, since she does live in my house, she has to obey my rules. I told her that when she gets an apt. and supports herself, then she can do whatever she wants. On the other hand, I would never threaten her w/ kicking her out of the house unless she was doing something so terrible that it affected the family, like my neighbor's son who is a drug addict and steals money from his own parents. I certainly wouldn't say if you come home late, I'm going to kick you out. Isn't that a little extreme? Is she still in high school, college or working? I know that as soon as I went to college and went away from home, then when I came home on vacations, I thought it was kind of stupid for my parents to tell me when to come home since I didn't have anyone telling me when to come home when I was away.
I am going to assume she is a senior
It's almost March and she is 18. You have 5 months left with her? This isnt the time to tighten up unless she is doing something dangerous with her time(as in drugs, drinking and driving)
Think of it as a teaching opportunity. Loosen up the rules. Negotiate. I took away my ds2's curfew when he turned 18 in Dec of his senior year and he, like Rose's kids, actually seemed to come home earlier without the curfew than with it!
You may not wish to make this decision, but you could negotiate an hour later. Ask what the issue has been with her lateness and if an extra hour will help
If she goes away to college, you will have no idea what she is doing, when she is doing it, or with whom it is happening. You need time to adjust to that and so does she. I recommend starting now; it helped me by preparing me and by making those last months with him more pleasant. Who wants them to be filled with arguments about curfew?
It may be more effective to approach this as a common courtesy thing rather than a control issue. Being 18 or 58, if someone says they will be home at a certain time, a simple phone call otherwise is just a nice thing to do.
Another thing I would like to add is that my son doesn't have a curfew at all for the most part (keeping in mind that due to his horrendous grades, he isn't allowed out on school nights at all). Because he does a lot of community theater, he's often at a show on Friday and Saturday nights. If a show ends at 10:30 (which is actually early), by the time he gets out of costume and puts it away, takes off his makeup, greets his "fans" LOL, and gathers up his stuff, it could be 11:15. The last show he did, he was covered in blood at the end of the show, so he actually had to shower in the dressing room - he didn't come out for the "meet and greet" till almost 11. If he goes out with the cast to a diner or someone's house, to tell him to be home by midnight is rather ludicrous. So from a very young age, we've approached the curfew thing rather leniently. Heck, during the summer, he was helping build a set and was sometimes coming home at 3 and 4. If I know where he is, and I know he's safe, and he doesn't have anything to do the next day, I don't see the necessity of a curfew ("out with the guys" does not constitute knowing where he is).
He is required to tell me exactly where he is. If he wants me to pick him up, he is to come home at a reasonable hour so that I'm not up all night. Otherwise, he needs to get a ride. I generally issue a curfew right then and there depending on where he's going. If he violates it, he's in trouble - but not serious trouble. I'll usually wait 15 minutes beyond his curfew and then text him - "really?" - that's it - one word...at which point he calls and tells me what's going on.
The TIME is not as important to me as the respect (which anyone who reads this board knows is a major issue in my house). Courtesy, respect, and safety are paramount. If you say you're going to be home at a certain time, you're required to call and tell me if you're late. In fact, I give MUCH LESS emphasis on the time than I do on the ability to contact - if I call my son, and he doesn't answer his phone, WATCH OUT!
BTW - he imposes the same "restrictions" on me LOL. I've been out and gotten calls at 1:30-2 am - "where are you? Why didn't you call?" Fun to see the shoe on the other foot.
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I find that absolutely hilarious!! LOL When S, my DS who had the strongest "I'm 18" attitude of all the boys, was about 19 he and some friends spent the weekend at a water park. When he got home early Sunday evening I wasn't there, can't remember where I was, but he sent me a tm that said "where ARE you??? How come you're not home??" I couldn't help it - my first response to him was "I'm over 18!! I shouldn't have to report in! ;)" which I followed with a second tm that told him where I was and when I was planning to be home. It took him a bit to see the irony there, but after that he was much better at calling if he wasn't going to be where we expected him to be.
Rose