Confessing about Snooping - good idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Confessing about Snooping - good idea?
15
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:24pm

I know its late on the east coast, and I don't how many of you will be able to reply but I need advise quick! I am considering letting my dd know about HOW I know about her past indiscretions, and lies, and why I have had such a hard time rebuilding the trust. My dh believes it's time I stop beating around the bush about it. My dd may even suspect. But the point is, this stuff about "I know you've been doing this and I can't tell you how I know" is not cutting it anymore. I found out some more information about dd that shows me that she's only getting wilder, and choosing even less desirable friends than H., if that's possible! I know that she's been drinking, at least some, and now that she's on medication this could be particularly dangerous. Also, she's been engaging in some dangerous sexual behaviour - along the lines of "teasing" the boys, without giving much detail. Right now I'm thinking of letting her know about what I found out last summer, and all the lies that I know she's told since then. The other stuff is recent, and I don't know if I want her to know I have read that too.

I wish I didn't have to snoop, but because dd is depressed and I found a note in one of her sketch books that sounded like a suicide note, I have been really anxious and feel that I have to snoop in order to possibly save her life. Of course, she's in therapy but I have no clue what is going on. Therapist doesn't tell me a thing. Help?

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:28am
You don't have to reveal your sources. Maybe "a friend's mom told you" or "that one of her teachers saw her and talked to you" because these could really happen. Or just say what you have been saying, that you know but won't tell her how you know. That information is sometimes dropped in our laps or we are guided to find it because we are parents and need to help the kids get back on the right path.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:35am

I sure wouldn't 'fess up about the snooping.... it would probably drive your DD further underground and make it that much harder to keep tabs on her unwise behavior.


As far as the therapist not telling you anything.... once a child reaches 14 he/she is the only one who can give permission for that kind of thing when it comes to the mental health records... and with good cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:27am

Dragonfly,
I am not a night owl, so I hope I'm not chiming in too late. I wouldn't "out" myself if I were you. You're going to need to continue to monitor her. I do think, however, that "finding" the note in her sketchbook is perfectly acceptable. You simply ran across it - she left it there, etc. Can you talk to her about the note and express your concern? That could lead to a discussion about your other concerns as well. I've used the "friend told me" trump card before. Kids blab enough to their friends .. friends talk to other friends...adults can overhear or some kids might have talked to their parents. It's unlikely she could retrace her steps enough to "out" you.

If her therapist won't talk to you about her, can you meet with the thearapist together?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Finding that note must have been very scary. Please let us know what happens.
jt

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:37am

Hi mom_dragonfly,

You know, I tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to divulging my sources with my dds because, well, we're thier parents and if they know we're snooping on them, they will just become better liars and sneakier. However, when it became apparent that my now 16dd was engaging in more risque behavior and having very inappropriate conversations about inappropriate events, plus she started smoking and "talked" in emails about smoking pot and drinking parties, I had to take things a step further.

I told her that while looking for the scotch tape (or stapler, or whatever) I had stumbled upon an IM she had printed out, saw a certain word and couldn't help myself - I read it and was appalled. I sat her down and explained to her how her recent behavior had breached my trust in ability to make healthy choices. I then added that due to the content of the IM along with her her constant intent and attempts to hide her life from us, or create a secret life with friends we'd never met, I felt compelled to snoop a little. I also told her that while I snooped, I really tried not to violate her general privacy. I told her that some of the information I discovered had me upset, concerned and sad. I explained what I found, however, I didn't repeat every last thing - only the top 3 concerns. She was pissed. Very pissed. But I reminded her that I felt I had no alternative and that until things are resolved and I see some positive changes, her privacy will not be guaranteed. And then in between her seething and dagger eyes, we came up with a plan that we felt was fair and included less time on line, less time 'out', we had to meet each friend she spent time with, a curfew was enforced and her HW was monitored.

It still wasn't a guarantee that she wasn't still on the path to destruction, but it definitely helped me sleep at night. The defining moment for my dd, unfortunately, came when she was lured off the internet and assaulted. That was her wake up call - she's been practically angelic since. She has no desire to go hang out with the bums and she doesn't drink or smoke pot (she does smoke cigarettes), she takes better care of herself and she's taken an interest in her writing and artwork again. She's proactive in making healthier decisions about herself and I'm not sure how much of that change is due to the heavier restrictions or the incident.

I don't think you need to tell her you snooped right out - you could make it seem like you 'stumbled' upon the evidence. But remember, she will most definitely become better at hiding her stuff and sneakier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:48am

Whenever possible, I would simply say it doesn't matter how I know - I just know. I've almost convinced my DD that I'm psychic. I don't snoop much anymore b/c DD is working so hard to regain my trust but at one point, I too, was concerned for the physical safety of my DD and did whatever I had to keep her safe.

I agree with the others I wouldn't 'fess up' either. She will just become more secretive with you and that's not in her best interest. I did frequently use the excuses of - you left the screen up, I put on your jacket and this note was in the pocket, etc. b/c occassionally she needed to see the proof. I truly think at one point she was believing her own lies - she believed that the stalker ex b/f wasn't a threat to her until I read outloud some of the notes that he had written to her. It still didn't click 100% but it began to.

So far as the therapist goes, she cannot, by lay, discuss this with you unless DD gives her permission. I would ask for a meeting with both of them and express your concerns that way. Personally, I would also begin treatment myself with another counselor, preferrably in the same practice. This way your counselor could advise you in a general way as to how to help your DD at home. I did this with my DD and it helped me tremendously. It also helped me to deal with my stress level which was through the roof.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:24am
Chiming in late, too but I agree with everyone else.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:46am
I agree with everyone else. Don't let her know your keeping tabs on her via notes, email etc. She will be better at hiding what she is doing and you will be that much more in the dark. There is a new software out called Spector Pro that you can download on your/teens computer. It tracks emails from sender/receiver, deleted emails, im messaging from sender/receiver, web sites visited, programs launched, chat room conversations (both sides), peer to peer file swapping, snapshot recording. It got 5 stars from PC magazine and my IT guy at work raves about it. This software is impossible for them to detect and has two passwords for protection. It will send you copies of everything, every keystroke, etc to the email address of your choice. I'm having mine sent to work. I just don't think we can be too careful. Our children are our most precious responsiblity. The more activities she is involved in (especially school/church) the less free time she will have for "other" activities. More freedom means more peer pressure. Also any activity that requires drug testing, especially hair testing. Hair testing will give you a picture of activity with a minimum of a 3mo window. Some drugs disappear from system in a matter of hours. Get to know the other parents - they also have info on who is doing what. Our teens are counting on us being too busy, too technology handicapped, etc. Good luck. Hope this helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:52pm

I understand what you're saying - it's just that my dd and I are having such a hard time that I thought I might take some tentative steps to rebuilding our trust. She says she doesn't trust me, either. Why? I think because she knows that I have snooped. She doesn't know where and how much. She's not stupid. Some of this information I could not know in any other way but by reading her diary. For instance, "Danny is not really 14, as I told my mom. He's 15, but I can't help but lie to her." or "Danny does drugs and H.'s mom doesn't even know it. I don't like it, but everybody does it." How could I know that Danny is really 15 and does drugs? In the past I have used the excuse that my ds, 16, has heard about him, etc. but I no longer want to involve ds and worry that sometimes dd will just assume it is ds who is giving me information, even if it's not. My ds so far does not associate with "unsavory" characters and I would like to keep it that way.

I guess I also thought that if dd knew that I took it from the horse's mouth so to speak, she would know that it's not that I believe someone else over her (I heard from so-and so's mom that you and S. were smoking). She might say, "She's lying, and you believe her over me?" KWIM? I do give my own kids the benefit of the doubt, but obviously here I have reason not to believe her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:05pm

Rose,

Do you mean that I should continue to snoop to monitor her behaviour? I have been monitoring email, but she is so good she deletes all her sent emails. I have monitoring software on my computer, where I found out alot of information mostly about H. that concerned me, but dd has now taken to using her new cellphone as the primary method to communicate with her friends. I really feel so intrusive reading her diary, and some of it is stuff mothers are not supposed to ever know (or want to know) like sexual feelings, etc. KWIM? I was going to stop, because I think it hurts me more than it helps me to read that stuff. But maybe I shouldn't. It would be so much easier if dd would talk to me, but when I read this stuff I can see why she wouldn't tell me about it.

As an example, 16 y.o. ds shares with me that some of his friends do smoke and drink, but its never a problem for him to abstain from it, and he feels no peer pressure from his friends to join in. However, if he was joining in, would he be as likely to tell me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:07pm

I was thinking of this myself. I do think I will tell her about the note and why I worry about her so much.

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