Confessing about Snooping - good idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Confessing about Snooping - good idea?
15
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:24pm

I know its late on the east coast, and I don't how many of you will be able to reply but I need advise quick! I am considering letting my dd know about HOW I know about her past indiscretions, and lies, and why I have had such a hard time rebuilding the trust. My dh believes it's time I stop beating around the bush about it. My dd may even suspect. But the point is, this stuff about "I know you've been doing this and I can't tell you how I know" is not cutting it anymore. I found out some more information about dd that shows me that she's only getting wilder, and choosing even less desirable friends than H., if that's possible! I know that she's been drinking, at least some, and now that she's on medication this could be particularly dangerous. Also, she's been engaging in some dangerous sexual behaviour - along the lines of "teasing" the boys, without giving much detail. Right now I'm thinking of letting her know about what I found out last summer, and all the lies that I know she's told since then. The other stuff is recent, and I don't know if I want her to know I have read that too.

I wish I didn't have to snoop, but because dd is depressed and I found a note in one of her sketch books that sounded like a suicide note, I have been really anxious and feel that I have to snoop in order to possibly save her life. Of course, she's in therapy but I have no clue what is going on. Therapist doesn't tell me a thing. Help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:23pm

Thanks, hearts, I just don't think you all realize how good dd had already become at hiding her diaries. There is just no way I could have "stumbled" upon it. Well, maybe once I could have "stumbled" upon it while looking for a piece of paper to write on in her room, finding a notebook, opening it to find a paper and then being shocked at what I saw and feeling compelled to read the rest through fear of what she was getting into....? Is this a strech or what?

I wish I could use your dd's example as to what my dd should never let it to come to, but I know she wouldn't "listen". In her opinion, she has to learn everything the hard way, make her own mistakes, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:45pm

I understand that, however, I'm just beginning to wonder how much dd tells the therapist. If she's not sharing the important stuff, why are we wasting our time and money? The fact that she keeps wanting to go to her leads me to believe it's helping her, but why? On my end, I'm not seeing the difference. I did talk to therapist in a phone conversation not long ago, and she said she'd given dd some "coping skills" to use that she seems to be using. When I told her about the paintings and the note I'd found, she suggested the psychiatrist, who has started her on anti-depressants. On another note, I'm even suspicious that dd is taking the meds. I hand them to her but don't watch her swallow. Am I getting paranoid? I think dr. suggested I watch her take them, but I'm trying to avoid seeming that controlling, and I do "want" to believe her, as difficult as she makes it! Dr. also suggested random drug testing, and I have a lab slip in my purse which I can use at any time. Dh thinks I should warn dd that I can drug test her at any time, and use it as a deterrent. She has already been warned once by the dr. that it could happen, and I think I'd like to "surprise her" so to speak.

As for therapy for me, we can't afford it! DD's therapy is costing us about half my salary! I sure hope it's worth it! But you're right, I could go see my pastor and I should...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:51pm

I wish I could do this. DD is not interested in anything other than her art and listening to music. I had always heard that kids who are not in organizational activities would be more at risk, but then neither is my ds at this time and he is just fine. I don't know how to "force" her to do these things, I have seen parents do that and it backfires. Teens want to have some control over their lives, and forcing them into activities does nothing to help that. But I really wish I knew how to get her to "join" something on her own choice.

I have been thinking of "forcing" her to join the church youth group, after trying to bribe her doesn't work (I know it won't).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:36pm
I know what you mean about the forcing thing. My 14yr old didn't want to go to church, but I told her she had to (but I made it seem light, but firm, made it seem fun, agreed with her that it could be boring at times but fun at the same time and very important) Not really a big deal but no other choices except to invite a friend - that helped tremendously plus our church has Mass on Saturday afternoon at 5:00pm - no early mornings. After a few times she wanted to get involved in the youth activities, CYO, choir etc. and recognized several people she knew (big relief). Teenagers like the familiar, she is probably not interested in anything because it is scary and unfamiliar. What about friends? Who is involved in what? See if there is an activity going on such as a church supper, etc that you could show up at and have your daughter bring a friend along. Start small. Try to include the activity with something attractive to her. You know teenagers travel in packs. I wouldn't feel guilty about the snooping, that is what she is hoping for with her "I can't trust you either" remarks. Be sure to point out the things that she does really well, or compliment her music, hair, something, especially her art. How about an art class or if she becomes active in say...church, she could teach the art part of vacation bible school. It is the alone, unsupervised time that can be trouble. If you can, get involved in her school. Visible parents can be very effective on her and her friends. Your doing great so far. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:39pm

To snoop, or not to snoop, that is the question.

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