Confused by DM's Attitude Toward DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Confused by DM's Attitude Toward DD
8
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:24pm

I may just be ranting here, but this has been bothering me for some time now, and I hope that someone has some words of wisdom or insight and I just got off the phone with my DM and I'm a bit frosty. Edited to say -- sorry so long!

It's about my mother and the things she choses to focus on in regard to my DD. By all accounts, DD is a young lady to be very, very proud of. She is polite, bright, does well in school, is well spoken, extremely well read, can have 'adult' conversations about current events, issues, books, politics, religion etc., and overall, is a real joy to be around and has everything in the world going for her.

First a little background: DM dropped out of hs at 16 to marry my dad. To their credit, they are still married, some 50+ years later. This is also the woman who when I was in my early 20's encouraged me to start saving my money so I could get a boob job. It was very easy for me to blow off this absurdity since at the time, I had a tiny figure that matched my tiny chest and I was quite happy with the way I looked.

My mother chooses to make pointed references about my DD that in the big picture, don't matter and truly don't define DD as the young lady she is or the woman will grow into. For a long time, it was DD's nose that was the object of her attention. DD has been gifted with the more prominent snozz of DH's family and depending on her hairstyle, the position of her head or whatever, it can look more prominent than at other times. Whenever the subject of hairstyles or photos come up in conversation, DM always makes a point to say something like "if she didn't wear her hair like that, her nose wouldn't look so big" or "make sure to tell her to lift her chin up in pictures so her nose isn't so prominent". ????

Her attention is currently on the fact that DD does not have, nor has she ever had, a boyfriend. She's 14!!! I hardly think we need to worry about her being an old maid at this age, nor do I feel that a lack of a boyfriend at 14 is a particularly good basis for her to define her success as a person! It's unfortunate that a lot of teenagers actually DO base feelings about their own self-worth and esteem on just this issue and DO wonder what is wrong with them when they don't get attention from members of the opposite sex and I don't want my DM to start down that road with DD! Egad. She has rebounded beautifully from 8th grade h**l and is happy, confident and feels grade about herself again.

To give DM credit, to the best of my knowledge, she has never mentioned her 'concerns' about DD directly to her. So far, just to me. I am usually so taken aback by her comments that I can never think of a good comeback when she says these things, but I'm rehearsing some stuff in my mind in preparation for her visit in July.

Why would a grown woman, 60+ year old, chose to be this way about someone she claims to love? Why would she focus on such trivial things when there are so many other great things about DD to see? I just flummoxed!

Jules




Edited 5/30/2006 1:42 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 4:06pm

Well, well, well, perhaps we were separated at birth? Your DM sounds SOOOOOOO much like my own, I could swear we're related.

My mom did to me and my sisters what yours is doing to your dd. My 45ds (dear sister) was always referred to as "poor ___" because, well, I don't even know why, but my sister is messed up to this day. My 50ds was always critiqued for her nose (like your dd); never mind that my sister is beautiful, well read, smart, funny and has a gorgeous shape and never messed around with anyone or any drug EVER. My mom would always focus on her nose. Even in arguments my mom would say something about her nose. It was awful. A couple of years ago, my sister had a nose job - she doesn't look the same. And me, she always told me to focus and accentuate my beauty, never my brains; never encouraged any of us to reach our dreams, or even have a dream. It was a cross to bear and thankfully, we all came out with few lasting scars.

Now when she sees my dd's she may say something like, "Stand up straight - your bf wouldn't want you being a hunched over old lady" or "don't wear so much makeup and don't tweeze your brows - you look like a tramp". I told her that dd16 wanted to go to Art school after HS and dear old mom said, "Bah! Art schools won't help her in life! Tell her to go to business school." Ya, okay mom. She's hypercritical and it urks me.

FOREVER, my in-laws would comment that my 18dd is so smart, so beautiful, so thin, tell her she should go into modeling, etc. Meanwhile, there's 16dd standing RIGHT there and they never think to say anything to her! You could see her just want to disappear. It broke my heart. I finally sent them all an email and told them that if they can't find something nice to say to or about dd16 as well as dd18 they should keep quiet; stop fawning all over dd18 (it's going to her head) and ignoring dd16! I tried to keep it light and a little fun and as far as I know, they've stopped.

To my mother I said, "Mom, you had your opportunity to be a mom. While I appreciate your positive comments, please keep your criticisms of me and my dd's to yourself, thank you very much." At the time, she got a little huffy, but then apologized. She hardly ever says any of her usual negative comments anymore. And we're still close - no major dents in our relationship over this. She needed someone to point it out to her.

Now, as to why? Why is she like that?

I think it's about her own insecurities. She didn't get to experience life the way you or dd have. She wasn't available to opportunities that dd is, or you were. She'd never admit it, or probably never want to undo her life, but there is probably a part of her that feels gypped in some way, or, many ways so she lashes out. She says things without considering how mean they are or how they effect you (or dd). She's hurting the one who hears it, and right now that is you. Maybe she sees things in your life and they way you parented your dd that she wishes she'd done. Maybe it's pure jealousy or envy. More likely, it's insecurities. The best thing you can do is ignore her or set her straight and make it very clear that risks putting her and your (and dd's) relationship at risk with her nasty comments.

Hugs - hang in there. I just hung up with my mom. She was lecturing me on leaving my H along for a night to come pick her up!! Like that makes sense. Oh man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 4:23pm

This sounds alot like my MIL, who (thank goodness) I have very little contact with. DH's take on it is that his mother is jealous/envious of us, our family, and especially my DD. My MIL was always the "smart" one in her family - and that was fine as long as there was nobody else smart around her - she could lord it over everyone. And she is threatened by any and all success that anyone else has - including her only grand-daughter. She likes to be (needs to be?) the only one who knows the answers, and has a hard time seeing any success.

This perspective has helped me not be mad at my MIL (mostly) and to help my DD see her as pathetic rather than just mean.

I don't know if this is your DM or not - envious or left out, and getting a feeling of power by putting someone else down - just my little input based on my experiences.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 6:08pm

What is it with these relatives who have to keep picking at one or the other in the family ALL the time???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:23pm

I don't have a clue what makes her do that. I can sympathize a little. My grandmother used to only talk to my cousins about their acne. She actually gave them facewash, toothpaste, toothbrushes and deodorant for Christmas one year. They were in the early teen years and I guess she thought they needed it. My brothers and I were quite a bit older and we always got pretty good gifts from her and she was always able to carry on a good conversation with us so I don't really understand this. Plus she lived close to them so she knew what was going on in their lives and really actually could have talked to them about their personal lives, whereas with us, we only saw her for a couple hours once every couple months. She didn't know our friends, our hobbies, etc - but she always managed to find something to talk to us about but not them. I never did understand this.

I think if I were you, I might have to simply sit mom down and explain your feelings to her. She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:44pm

Thank you, ladies. It seems I'm not the only one dealing with an uber-critical relation.

I've been ruminating on this all day and have decided that since it is ME that is bearing the brunt of DM's criticisms and (thankfully) not DD herself (DM is always loving and complimentary to DD when she is around here) that it is actually ME that is under attack, for whatever reason.

I doubt that DM actually even knows herself why she feels inclined to nit-pick about things that just don't matter, but I have a few suspicions. She is quite self-absorbed, really and I do remember as a teenager myself feeling like she considered me 'competition'. Strange, huh?

It is unfortunate that DM feels that a woman's self-worth is based on looks and the ideal that members of the opposite sex must find us physically attractive enough to want to 'be with' us as a measure of our success. I will have to remind her that 1945 is well passed and times are a-changing.

Nose notwithstanding, DD is a very attractive girl and she said quite recently that she felt her nose gave her 'character' and that she thought it suited her! (It's not that big, really!) She is far more interested in having Lasik surgery and being done with glasses and contacts than in having a nose job. And as far as the boyfriend thing goes, well, she's turned down a few boys because she just wasn't interested in them or in having a boyfriend just to say she has one -- says she's holding out for 'something special'. Told 'ya she was a girl I could be proud of!

Thanks for your thoughts, and I'm sorry this subject brought up bad memories for some of you!

{{Hugs}}
Jules

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:12pm

You have the right attitude there -- this is your DM's problem and luckily you are the one bearing the brunt of it. The unfortunate thing about women of our mum's generation or older is that well, like alot of us, once their opinions and attitudes are set its virtually impossible to change them. So to try to lecture her on how her attitude is superficial and outdated will do no good.

The only thing I'd be concerned about is that while right now the comments are being made to you, at some point they are going to be verbalized to your dd. All I can say is prepare your daughter for them -- let her know that grandma loves her but isn't perfect and that your dd should continue to believe in herself and her self-worth as she does right now.

And in the meantime continue to emphasize to your mother your dd's accomplishments in ALL areas of her life and hopefully she'll get the message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:48pm
It doesn't matter why she says things like that to you. The point is that she needs to stop. Just say, "Mom, we're fine with her nose and with her social life. When you comment on either of those things it's extremely annoying, so please stop." She'll say, "But I only have her best interest in mind!" and "What's a grandmother for if she can't take an interest in personal things?" yadda yadda yadda. But you just repeat it like a broken record until she gets it. Make sure you let us know how you make out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 11:12am

Do you remember the actress Jennifer Gray from Dirty Dancing? She had a nose job after that movie that totally changed her look and I believe she said in an interview that she regretted having it done. Not to say that some people are happier with their looks after they have plastic surgery, but it should be their opinion and not something that's forced on them.

I am thinking that if your mom married at 16, maybe she didn't have time to accomplish other things in life that she wished she had, like going to college or having a career? Plus I guess that if she got married so young, she probably thinks that by 14, girls should be dating, where I think that kids today are pushed into having relationships too young and at 14, they should be concentrating on just being friends with the opposite sex. My DD is 17 and hasn't had a boyfriend yet, although she has gone to dances with boys and has a lot of friends who are boys and they go out in groups. She is very pretty and smart and I certainly don't think there's anything wrong w/ her for not having a BF. It gives me one less thing to worry about. lol

I haven't had any experience w/ critical relatives, but when your mom starts on BFs, I would just say that you & your DH think that your DD is too young to date anyway.