continue to give or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
continue to give or not?
14
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 12:42pm
DD (19yrs) "fell in love", dropped out of high school during the last 7 months of senior year, quit her job, and moved into an apartment w/ the "love of her life" (who has quit every job he's had in the last year). Her social security checks stopped when she turned 19 (they survived on her checks and food stamps leaving a trail of unpaid utility bills

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2009
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:24pm
i think that you should get her a few outfits and thats it. let her know that you WILL NOT support the baby and that it is their responsibility. also that you are buying this stuff because you want to not because you want her to like you. im not saying dont help her with the baby but let her think you wont. i would look on craigslist and at goodwill. im not saying you shouldnt buy her new but let her know that realisticly she wont be able to buy everything new without a job.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:33pm

A couple of things come to mind - "you're a doormat only so long as you allow people to walk on you" and "enabling dependency does not promote independence." And why isn't your DD working? I haven't seen anything in your post that says she's unable to hold a job, other than a desire to rely on the good will of others to take care of her. Pregnancy isn't a disability, I know women who have held pretty physically demanding jobs right up until the day they delivered their babies. Irregardless of whether her b/f is working, *she* needs to be working.

As for the clothes - there is a Goodwill store or other second hand store in just about every town. Usually the social services department in the county has a stash of donated clothes that they give to people in need. Some food pantries have second hand clothing available. Is it always the latest fashion? No, but it WILL fit, and it WILL cover her body, which is all that is required. Whether you pay for these things or not is up to you, but I sure wouldn't be dropping big bucks on a brand new maternity wardrobe for her. It's past time for her to grow up and be self-sufficient, and in order for her to do that, the gravy train needs to come to a screeching halt at some point.

My father used to have a pet phrase - "The Lord helps those who help themselves." Well, my attitude for the last 5 or 6 years is "mom and dad help those who help themselves." My DS 26 is currently living here rent free, but he's also working and trying to pay down the massive debt he and his ex built up so that he can once again live on his own. He might be getting free rent, free food, and I make sure his dog gets what he needs... but no cash goes his way - ever! If he ends up having to declare bankruptcy in order to get through this, so be it. He hasn't asked for cash, because he knows he won't be getting it. I'm thinking that you need to draw a clear line with what you will and will not do for your DD and stick to it. Let her know where that line is... and if she ends up relying on others, that's her problem. If grandma wants to pay her bills, well, that's up to grandma, but she sure isn't doing your DD any favors by doing so. Some people have to learn things the hard way - suffering the full consequences of their choices - before they start making wiser choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:57pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 4:35pm

Unfortunately, boyfriend is here to stay. Even if they don't remain together, they are having a child together and so linked. I think you'll just have to let go of your dislike and not determine what you give her based on him.


Maybe you should step back and take the role of "parent of adult, soon-to-be grandparent." Mom's fuss over their pregnant daughters... take them to lunch occasionally, maybe get them a maternity outfit. Grandmas but a few little outfits for the babies. Niether mom's nor grandmas pay their adult child's rent, utilities, buy them cars, ect. You can be nice and do birthday gifts, have them over for holidays and such without feeling like you have to support them.


It would be different if

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 8:04pm

<>

I hear ya. My DD 19 has been living on her own without receiving a penny of support from us (other than college tuition that wasn't covered by her financial aide package) since a month before she turned 18. She works nearly full time(30-35 hrs/wk), her b/f works full time plus (usually about 50 hrs/wk), and she's a part time college student.... which leaves me with little patience for young *adults* who think the world owes them a living. Yes, jobs are hard to find now, but one needs to LOOK, and when one *has* a job, it's not very wise to quit it before finding another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 9:56pm
I am sorry for you that your DD is in this kind of situation--certainly not what you hoped for. I am kind of in the middle on this. I certainly wouldn't be giving her any cash but say that your DD was working and in a better situation--would you still buy her a few things? I might not buy maternity clothes, but most grandparents do buy things for the baby anyway. I would say if you do buy maternity clothes, either Goodwill as bunnierose said or at the most go to a cheap store--Target or KMart type of clothes. I do remember how expensive maternity clothes were but I needed to get decent clothes to wear to work. Again I worked full time basically up until my due date w/ the 1st one--then DD didn't cooperate by being born on time. I didn't have a physically demanding job, but it was mentally demanding and I was proud that I didn't take any time off--of course some people haveto for medical reasons but when your DD starts whining about not having any money, I would tell her that she should be working now so she can save eup money. I suppose the plan is to live off welfare after the baby is born.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 10:23pm

<> I think that you've done enough. More than *I* would have done, in the same situation. It was HER decision to drop out of HS, NOT get a GED, and NOT work. She is an adult, and she needs to learn to be at the effect of her decisions. You have OTHER people and children who depend on you--don't take from them to give to her. Remember, you can only be a doormat as long as you're laying down.

I have ON OCCASION, given my adult kids money to help them over rough spots, BUT they have educations, they have jobs, and they work very hard. And even if they cannot repay the money, they will come over and help us with the house or the garden. As Rose said, Mom and Dad help those who help themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 10:41pm

IDK, I'm a grandma to my step-daughter's 17 month old son (step-daughter is 21, I've been in her life since she was 12). While there aren't serious issues going on with either her or the baby's father (he's employed and she's SAH), we do help as much as we can comfortably afford. We tend to think of it as helping the baby, rather than helping them. We (along with the other grandparents...there are three sets in total) have bought them baby equipment, baby clothes, and from time to time formula and diapers.

So long as I could comfortably afford it, I'd help them out...maybe not with cash, but with baby stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:06am

You have received wonderful advice.

I would give them practical, gently USED items and I would never give them cash. If you do want to help financially, walk into the electric company and pay their bill for them.

To me, this is the middle ground. It "shouldn't" take having nothing to motivate her. It should be about wanting "more and better" for her or the baby. It's pretty materialistic, but hey, we are a materialistic society!

I do not think your heart is cold; I think your heart is broken. And that has put you in a mode to protect yourself from more pain. I get that but you may have to override it and give a little more of yourself to preserve a future relationship with DD and that grandbaby!

Good luck! I know how hard this must be.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 11:32am

I also find it interesting that your dd complains to YOUR PARENTS --her GRANDPARENTS-- that she has no clothes to wear. And then the GRANDPARENTS tell YOU to buy her clothes. She does NOT complain to YOU, because she knows what the answer will be. Instead, she manipulates her GRANDPARENTS into putting the guilt on you.

I would tell the grandparents, that if they think their granddaughter needs free clothes that badly -- then THEY should buy them. Don't tell ME to go buy this lazy, stupid ADULT, clothes. You do it.

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