Controlling bf???
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| Thu, 07-12-2007 - 9:12am |
My dd(16) has been dating her bf(16) for about six months. He has many positive traits but slowly I think negative are starting to outweigh them. He seems to be quite insecure and immature as times goes on. My dd and him ran into some of her girlfriends last night at the local park (1/4 mi. from our home) and she was chatting with them. He got upset apparently at the fact that she wasn't just focusing on him and left her there. She called me and told me this and I told her if he came back not to leave with him. They had been out shopping and such yesterday so he had a car. She said okay and asked if she could stay at her girlfriends house and I said okay but to call me later. I really just wanted to make sure she was okay and not with him. When she called me back she said her and her friend had walked over to the convenience store to get some food and she saw him, he turned his back and didn't speak to her.
This is not the first time I have saw/heard behavior that I thought was out of line. He told her a few weeks ago that myself and dh didn't like him and we were mean to him and he didn't want to come to our house anymore. I was shocked we have always welcomed him into our home and I'm sure he eats dinner at our house more often than his own. We have taken him on several family outings with us too, holiday get togethers, nba games, birthday parties, etc. So I said please give me an example of when we treated him unkindly, she couldn't think of one and he couldn't tell her one either. I felt like he was trying to make her mad at us and "pull" her closer to him.
She still hangs out with a few friends but I think slowly he has been tearing her away from them too or maybe it's her choice, not sure.
My dd tells me he cries alot. When he's frustrated, when she has to hang up at night and he says "no you don't, you just don't want to talk to me", when she gets texts from people he doesn't know, etc. All of this coming together just seems odd.
This may be normal teenage stuff and if it is please tell me and I will butt out. I feel like he is trying to control her. I've tried to keep out of it as much as possible because I don't want to push her towards him more.
Thanks for any help or guidance you can give me!

"He told her a few weeks ago that myself and dh didn't like him and we were mean to him and he didn't want to come to our house anymore. I was shocked we have always welcomed him into our home and I'm sure he eats dinner at our house more often than his own."
Wow, I could have written this myself. My DD's ex-bf used to say this about us, and I could never understand where it was coming from. But I think you're right--it is a way to draw your DD away so he can control her.
"My dd tells me he cries alot. When he's frustrated, when she has to hang up at night and he says "no you don't, you just don't want to talk to me"
This is straight out of my DD's ex-bf's playbook also! And after he dumped her, he made her feel bad for no longer wearing the bracelet he had given her for her birthday when they were dating, so she started wearing it again, thinking it would bring him back. So even though they were no longer going out, he was still trying to control her. It is only now, after 3 months, that she is (maybe) beginning to see the light. I don't know how common this is, but it is not unheard-of behavior. I think it has a lot to do with immaturity. Hopefully both of our DDs will learn something from this!
Sounds like you have been doing just what you need to do, IMO. Continue to be supportive of her, let her vent to you about him. Include him if need be. And, most importantly, keep 99% of your comments to yourself about him. When he takes off and leaves her, he's putting her in jepardy and you have every right to tell her to go with someone you trust. Be supportive of her, and encourage her to spend some time with her gfs, just make sure to say it in a positive way, not putting down the bf. She'll tire of him eventually.
The boy sounds depressed, to be honest. Do you know his parents, that you could talk with them honestly about his crying, and clinginess? If she's still seeing him once school starts, and he's still emotional, you might talk to the school counsellor, that he's emotional, clingy, cries a lot, etc and that you're concerned that he might need a bit of help or counselling. The counsellor at school should be able to talk to him and his parents if they felt that he was acting depressed.
Best wishes!
Sallie
My DD has a fairly controlling bf... however, no matter how mad he has gotten at her, he has never left her anywhere! This boy sounds very immature, insecure and possibly even depressed.
Maybe your dd will begin to see this if she spends more time with her friends!
Good luck
Sharon
Sorry I read to fast!
I'm really having to bite my tongue keeping my thoughts to myself. I just went and picked up dd and of course she talked to him again last night. He has convinced her that it was her fault she didn't get in the car when he left. As for not speaking to her later - well he just didn't want to. I can't believe she's believing this. I just want to say "don't let him treat you that way - dump him now!!!" but I'm not.
I've met his parents but I don't know them well enough to say anything. As far as school goes - thank goodness he goes to another school and she isn't with him all day!! I hope when school starts up again things will die out.
Thanks for your support!
I agree I think he is manipulating her. I just wish I could get her to see it like I do. I was quite upset he left her at the park even though it's only 1/4 mi. from home and she walks there quite often. It was the fact he picked her up from my home and I expected him to bring her back. I think it was quite disrespectful and frankly unacceptable. I guess I'm venting a little more here so I can get it out of my system before I say something I shouldn't to dd.
Thanks for the support!