Controlling bf question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Controlling bf question
10
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 8:42am

Some of you may remember me writing earlier about my concerns with my dd and her controlling(??) bf. Yesterday afternoon after school I had to take ds to the dr. DD's bf was coming to pick her up and they were going to a local park. I called dd on the way home and asked her if BOTH of them had ate dinner. She said yeah so I only picked up for ds.

Later in the evening they came back and bf wouldn't come in the house. They were apparently having yet another tiff. My dd came in upset and said they were going back to the park and I said no I don't want you going anywhere when you are this upset. She went back outside. Came in again and started the whole you are so rude to bf, you are so mean to bf, etc. saga. This has been coming more frequent now. I said give me one time I have been mean to him, once again she couldn't come up with one. She said I have an attitude with him. She continued on to say you actually asked him to refill the water bottles in the frig that is so rude. I said he's here alot and if you take the last one I do expect you to refill it. She said I don't offer him dinner when he's here. I always offer him dinner when he's here, I pointed out that I asked her if they BOTH had eaten dinner. Sometimes when they are here they don't want to eat or maybe bf doesn't like it(I don't know??) and they go out to get something. Anyhow she went back outside again and then they both come in all giggly and happy like nothing had happened.

I'm getting so tired of this. I talked to dd after he left and asked her what exactly is going on. She said he's so emotional and when he gets upset with you I get upset with you too. She said she wasn't even mad at me that he just made her mad at me. I really think he's just trying to drive a wedge between dd and I so he can pull her closer. Then she started crying saying all her friends tell her she should break up with him and that he's too clingy and needy. She said even you make me think I should. I was trying to be careful about what I said and how I said it because I don't want to push her closer to him so my response was only, have I ever told you to break up with him. She said no but everyone else tells her that. So I'm wondering should I have really spoken my mind? Should I talk to bf and call his bluff? I'm so sick of this!

Also dd has been applying at different places for a job and everywhere she goes, he goes. He doesn't even want a job. He lives 25 min. from us and is applying for jobs 5 mins. from our home because if she gets a job there he wants to work there too????? My dd went out for her first solo shopping trip a few days ago she was so excited, guess what within a hour he was with her. DD can't have anyone in the car with her yet (state law) so he just drove from store to store following her. I'm sure my dd plays a part in this too obviously she had to tell him where she was. It just frustrates me to no end. Any advice??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 11:30am

I know exactly how you feel. I have had similiar issues with DD's boyfriend too. I don't understand it either. How long has your DD been with this bf??

I think you did the right thing by holding your tongue last night. Your DD obviously values your opinion or she wouldn't be so torn about it. She is also worrying about her friends opinions as well and it sounds like she is confused and waivering back and forth on her own feelings. I would continue to be there for her when she wants to talk and hopefully she'll figure this out in her own time.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:04pm

They've been dating for about 8 mths. How long did your dd and bf go out or are they still? If not, what made her "see the light" so to speak?

I'm going to a bookstore in a while to see if I can find any books for me/her about manipulative/controlling relationships. I will definitely need to be careful about how I present it though.

Thanks for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 1:17pm

I think going to the book store is a great idea. Maybe your DD will be able to realize that what she is involved in is not very healthy. Hearing it from Mom never seems to do that trick as we all know.

My DD and her bf have been together for about 18 months. They were really attached for about a year but they each matured a bit and had busier schedules so they had no choice but to make adjustments. Either that or they got sick of spending so much time together..lol. But I still get very aggrivated and the bf still drives me nuts and I deal with it better on some days than others. As DD enters her senior year and has become more focused on her future the bf tends to act more like her husband and he tries to be involved in every decision and tries to sway her in HIS direction. No matter what it is. DH and I refuse to have discussions in front of him anymore or input our opinions because he will only try and pursuade DD to what HE thinks and it's usually the opposite of what we think. I know saying negative things against the bf will not work so I'm constantly talking to her about thinking for herself and standing up for what she believes in and pursuing her dreams. I think it is obvious that the bf has some security issues and has become concerned about DD leaving him for college. I think DD is either going to get sick of dealing with him constantly "suggesting" how she does everything and either give him the boot or start firmly holding her ground. (I mean the other night he was trying to correct how she was stirring her scrambled eggs because he said she wasn't doing it right. She started cooking with her grandfather at the age of 2 - she knows how to make eggs!! It's so hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes!!!)

Good luck with this. It's hard for them to know what's healthy and what's not when they are so new at this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 2:23pm
Wow! 18 mths and you haven't said anything? I don't know if I can hold out that long. How do you do it? Sometimes I just HAVE to go to my room because I can't stand it. I haven't said anything to dh about the latest incident as he's not been home but this weekend I will have to share all of this. I found a book at the library called Saving Beauty from the Beast so I'm going to start reading it. There was another one I found on line but the bookstore and library can't keep it in. It's called But I Love Him. I'm going to try to find it elsewhere this weekend. I just don't want her to think what's going on is healthy. I'm concerned by me not speaking up that she thinks I think it's okay. Hope that makes sense. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 3:36pm
OMG!
I have the same thing going on and it is driving me bananasssss!
my 17y/o dd has a job and keeps paying the way for BF and buying him stuff and when they do the fighting crap I have ease dropped on the phone and he is just being a reall jerk .. all casual eating loudly in the phone acting all better then her and saying what the matter I think I have to go now and she is sobbing and all melodramatic I really cant stand how she doesn't drop him ! she could do so much better. at first you know I didn't want to drive her to him so i didn't say anything negative then i couldnt help myself I just mentioned a few potential flags and tried to get her to see he wasn't treating her so well her friends told her a long time ago to drop him no she knows I just don't like him period! although I have not been rude to him in fact I give him/them rides everywere ARGHHHHH!!@%#%!$@^%#% sometimes when dd is on the phone with bf she talks to me and him and if i say anything at all displeasing or .. anything about him he hangs up and then she looks at me like a demon and crys and says a few choice things to me. and then we go around.. i really hate him or is it I really hate that dd is thinking this is a good relationship? I don't know but he is controlling and belittling .. a major head game player
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 4:22pm
Sorry you are going through this too. I'm just torn I'm supposed to protect my child but by protecting the way I want to I'm sure it will drive her to him. I'm finding the book I got quite intereresting. I've skimmed through it and have found so many things I want to highlight for her. Ex. 1) bf's will convince them not wear makeup. She quit wearing eyeliner a few months after they started dated. She said it was too big of a hassle to do it. I was shocked since she has worn it for a few years and prior to him would not leave the house without, not even walk to the mailbox. I can remember the day she sat on the couch and told him she was never going to wear it again. 2) bf's doesn't want the mom to come between (gf&bf) he wants to come between the mom & dd. 3) bf's will tell gf's no one has ever understood me like you do - you are the only person who truly understands me. My dd has told me he has told her that on numerous occasions. I could go on and on but I won't. I hope one day our dd's will know what a healthy relationship is. I wish you the best of luck with your dd.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 4:12pm

Just wanted you to thank you all for this discussion. My DD has what I think it one, too. But she is only 14. She showed me an e-mail that he posted on myspace to her. There were over 35 F-bombs, but that was just the least of it. What worried me the most were the contolling/abusive things that he said...things that just fell in line with all the literature you read on abusive relationships.

I spent an afternoon with her surfing the net and reading about teens in abusive relationships, and she totally understood. But then he was just soooooo sorry and promised that it would neeeeeever happen again, and she forgave him.

I'm so ticked b/c I spent most of this summer with him in our home. I took him everywhere. I was his personal taxi.

Anyway we decided that if we didn't help them get together, that would keep them apart. It didn't work. They snuck around and used his mom for transporation (thanks mom). Now we are just trying to look the other way and are praying so hard that she gets sick and tired of him. But it's not looking like that's in the cards.

I don't really know what to do, but after reading all that your posts said, I think I will continue to avoid saying negative things about him, etc. We're trying to quit calling him "He who should not be named" when she is around. Thanks for speaking freely.

Leigh Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:22pm

It's really hard to break away from a controlling/abusive b/f.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:50pm
Just a little update here. After another incident with bf & dd this weekend dh,dd & I all had a heart to heart. We told her she could continue to see bf but we wanted her to read a book about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships so she could have all the tools she needed to decide what type of relationship they have. After reading the book she cried and said she missed us, her family and friends. She wants to spend more time with all of us. So we changed the rules a bit she's allowed to see bf 2-3 times a week. The rest of her time can be divided up however she so chooses. She truly seemed relieved that we said she could only spend x time with bf. She also said that she is going back to wearing eyeliner because she wants to. She said she's going to plan a shopping trip this coming weekend with the girls. I'm not sure it will stay like this or what will happen. It was like she became empowered by reading the book and by us taking a stand for her so she doesn't have to say I don't want to hang out, now it's just I can't. Almost like she was waiting for us to. It just all seems odd to me the way it has worked out so far. I'm sure it will be a bumpy road but she just seems so happy right now. I know we have certainly enjoyed having her around the house more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 4:05pm

Thanks for the insight into what it's like being in a relationship like that. I never have been. My best friend has twice and only left once. I never did understand, really. Now I can see how he may not only be the worst, but also the best she's ever experienced. How do you fight that? (retorical question)

Anyway, it also sounds like the book thing is working. I like the specific limits and not just all or none, althought, I don't think I can stand to look at this guy anymore. Saw on her myspace today that he called me a f'ing b*&! and her sister a lesbian and copied it about 50 times. She defended her sister, but not me. And we haven't had a cross word.

I have a bad feeling that I'm beginning to hate this guy, and that's not good.

L.A.