Controlling BF-WWYD??
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| Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:34pm |
I need advice on this because I thought I was handling things well, but now I'm doubting that.
My NOW 18dd's 20 y/o BF was always a little insecure and would make a comment about other boys that dd was friends with in school (He is no longer in school and works FT) or try to monopolize dd's 'off' time, you know, when she was out of school or not working. We imposed rules about her not being allowed to be with him a few days a week due to work and HW constraints - he didn't take it well, but dd welcomed the opportunity to use our rules as an excuse to get some time alone or away from BF. Don't get me wrong, she's happy for the most part with this BF, they've been together a year and she obviously likes having him as her BF. He's nice enough and for the most part he is respectful towards H and me. They mainly hang out at our house when they are together. I know they are sexually active, but to be honest, I can't figure out when they can actually 'do it' because they are almost never alone.
Anyway, the BF has gotten to be a little overbearing of late. He seems more possessive than ever of dd. We are in the midst of planning a family vacation (a cruise) and dd's BF is giving her grief for inviting her GF and not him. We specifically told dd that no teens are bringing thier SO's (we are planning this with other families), so she could bring a friend, but not BF. She explained this to him and I overheard them talking in the kitchen about it and he was giving her every reason known to mankind why this wasn't fair, she should stay home, she could stay with his family while we were gone or he could stay at our house with her while we're gone, he should be allowed to go, he doesn't like the idea of her on a cruise ship without him, etc, etc. I mean, it took all my energy to remain in my seat and not go blast him. I kept my tongue because thus far dd has been pretty good about putting him in his place and standing up for herself. But later that night she came to me and asked if he could go. I asked her if she wanted him to go and she almost started crying and said no. So....taking deep breaths here...last night we were talking about the trip and it turns out none of her Gfriends can go with us, so dd doesn't want to go alone so she asked if she could stay home. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer and said something about the BF, in a very calm and nice way, and she got really really angry with me, grit her teeth and told me she would not discuss him with me and then she started crying that I didn't think she could handle being home alone and that I was forcing her to go on a trip without a friend and it would suck for her. We're talking about a week long cruise...endless fun, right?
Realistically, she is fully capable and mature enough to leave home for a week alone at home and in charge of the dogs, BUT now I don't like the idea of BF being around while we're gone and I think she's starting to weaken her resolve and I'm so afraid that thier little playing house will lead to dd giving up her dream of college and cowtowing to this little A$$hole.
So, what would YOU do?

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suzy>>>"I had other male friends that I wanted to do stuff with in college, not as dates, but just as friends, mostly in coed nondating groups, so sometimes bf just wasn't invited. That ended up breaking up our relationship/engagement because we just couldn't get through this.
so you excluded your bf the same way the op is trying to exclude her daughters bf and you guys think the bf is reaction is wrong. i'm on the side of the bf here. in your situation what you failed to understand is that there is no "just as friends" between guys and girls as a rule....especially at that age. guys can't be "just friends" with girls...billy crystal did a pretty good job of explaing this in "when harry met sally" i thought. it doesn't matter if the girl just wants to be friends...or even if the guy feels the same in the beginning...at some point the guy is going to want more....its coded in our genes.
regarding the op....it seems to me she is being just as controlling as she is accusing the bf of being....and if i was the bf i might have some concerns as well....his gf is allowed to take anyone on the cruise but him....why is that? why should he be excluded...it's not like it's just a family trip....she is allowed to bring a friend...just not him...and other people will be bringing friends...presumably of the male gender and same age group....and he knows what all men know which is if you can get a girl away from her guy and show her a good time then you have a foot in the door. this guy is just being protective of his territory....maybe a bit overprotective...but still it's understandable given his age and the fact that he already knows the parents are pushing for him to be out of the picture.
the daughter obviously is neither mature enough to stand up to her parent's and assert herself as an adult capable and legally able now to make her own decisions....or to stand up to her bf and tell him she really wants....so i say act like a child - get treated like a child.....she goes on the cruise with the fam...and without a guest.
the bf and her are done....it won't last another six months.
Oh my, John. Protective of his territory? Please.
And it is possible for guys and girls to be friends and nothing more than that. I had such a friend in high school and I still talk to him from time to time.
jt
Thanks again. Although she doesn't give me the 'full scoop' lately in regards to the BF, she has been saying things that lead me to believe that she's about fed up with his neediness as well. In fact, my younger dd's best friend, who hangs at our house even when my dd's aren't home, told me that 18dd tried to break up with the BF and that he started to cry so she didn't break up. I asked what prompted the break up but the friend didn't know for sure, but she said that she thinks my dd is just tired of constantly being busy with him and never having time to just hang out. She said that each morning in the car on the way to school that the BF calls dd or texts her...and that my dd sometimes throws the cell phone into the back seat so she can't answer it! ahah -
It may just be a matter of time before she finally gives him the heave ho. I hope. In the meantime, I think that she's afraid of being at home alone alot. All of her GF's have BF's too and they are always busy on Fri/Sat nights so maybe part of dd feels like she'd be stuck hanging at home alone so she keeps the BF because it's someone to hang with and something to do?
SK: One my my sister's was in an abusive relationship when I was about 16 - she was 19/20 - She got pregnant at college and decided to elope with him. Eventually they lived in our basement where we witnessed his daily abuse on her. My parents bided thier time before they were able to threaten him with arrest and wake my sister up from her infatuation with the guy and kick him out. She was so defensive of him that my parents were afraid if they took action too soon, she'd follow the creep right out the door and they'd never see her or the baby again.
Her exh used to slap her, make fun of her, wanted her to stay plump supposedly because he liked her that way (really he just didn't want anyone else looking at her) and then he'd make fun of her weight and make her exercise in her underwear in front of him - talk about screwed up.
Finally, one cold Christmas Eve he gave her the last beating and my father almost killed him and put him out on the street with a bag of his belongings. He never came back, not even to see his son. Good riddence I say.
Anyway, thanks for everyone's responses.
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