Curfew

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Curfew
5
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:58pm

Based on a previous post about a 13 yr old, I have a question about 16 yr olds....

How late should a curfew be? We had some trouble w/ DS16 (relatively minor--lying, out all night, going into a friends home w/ out permission of PARENTS while out of town...friend gave him the garage code, etc...)in Dec. His curfew as a 15 yr old was 11 pm. We've not extended it because he couldn't manage to get home on time. He's been VERY timely for abut 2 months now. He's complaining that his curfew is too early. I secretly agree (remembering my own teenage yrs), but really--not much good happens after 11 anyway. I have mixed feelings on the subject--DH is pretty adamant about keeping it at 11, but he claims being teased, etc. by friends because he has the earliest curfew.

Also, he claims we 'interfere' w/ his personal life too much--I completely DISAGREE. One isn't secretive, if one has nothing to hide. We got 'egged' Sat. Night. We aren't upset w/ DS at all, but he thinks our questions of him were intrusive "do you know who drives a white honda or mitsubishi? Are you having problems w/ any friends/former friends or people in general? Have YOU been egging anyone? Are you SURE....." I tried to explain that his hostile answers to the negative seems moderatly 'doest thou protest TOO much' and he blew up--saying we don't EVER believe him (which can be true), and that we interfere too much, etc......how does a good parent find that balance between caution and trust? He broke our trust and it is REALLY hard to get back.....especially knowing him inside out (as a mother does)...he's a bit of a player...I worry that he hurts peoples feelings.....(no evidence, just suspicion)....he has admitted to lying, but is trying to do better......

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: shels2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:26pm
I really think it depends on the circumstances.
Pam
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shels2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 4:32pm

I think an 11:00 curfew is pretty common, at least around here (Texas). Shoot, our *town* has a curfew for the kids -- 11:00 Sun-Thurs and midnight Fri-Sat. (There are exceptions to every rule of course, but basically that's it). My own 15yo has to be home before 10:00 on a school night--generally he's home before 9:30. As I've said before in other posts, we live in a tiny, backwater town so that plays a big part in how much freedon my kid has. I will let him stay out til midnight on Fri or Sat, but that's usually because there is *something* going on--movie, ballgame, etc.

It is so hard once they break your trust, to ever trust them again. BTDT. However, at some point, you have to let them loose a *little* bit in order for them to prove they are becoming more trust-worthy, kwim? Same with the things he tells you. At some point, you will just have to take what he says at face-value depending on the nature or seriousness of the question being asked (or at the very least, NOT let him know you are validating what he say thru other means!). My guys always knew that there was a chance that I'd call a parent or something to verify what they had told me, so they were usually pretty up front with me. Usually, mind you, not always!! And they knew if they got *busted*, there would be he!! to pay at home. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: shels2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:14am

I know my DS is younger, but I can relate to some of the things you posted already, esp the attitude about staying out of his "personal" life. The more I pushed, the more he protested and got angry and shut off.

I've noticed some of that seems to be as up/down as his hormones. We had periodic chats about my needing some of that personal information to make good decisions when he asked for permission to go places with friends. But then I tried to back off.

I also pointed out, when the appropriate opportunity arose, that I always kept his "secrets" to myself, to help him feel like I was a safe place to share info.

More importantly, I think, he has had several opportunities to realize that I get information from other parents and teachers (small school) that either support or deny what he has told me.

That, in particular, helps me have confidence in him (because his story usually matches) and seems to help him know he better be straight with me because I'll likely find out from another source anyway!

That "village" concept seems to be one of the best parenting tools I have!
But we still have moments where he freaks because I ask more than he wants to tell. Seems normal even while it's frustrating.

If he claims he has nothing to say about the egging.... I'd let it go for now. But I'd surely ask parents of friends!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: shels2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:32am

DS17 had a curfew of 11:30 when he was ~15, 12:00 ~16, and just a month ago we extended it to 12:30 cuz all his friends can stay out later.

Last Thursday when I went to pick him up from a friend's home at 11:00 (surprise), he was not there. The parents told me they'd gone out, but didn't know where. When I called his cell, he told me they were going to get something to eat. I asked if they were at the restaurant and said I'd meet him there. He said they were going to pick up another friend (what? there were already 5 in the car), and I told him I'd meet him whereever they were, right then. Instead friends dropped him off at home.

The reason for the surprise pickup was that his dad (out of town) had called and told him not to go out at all. DS ignored that, and went out anyhow. (I had called him around 9:30 at the friend's home and told him he could stay until 12, but then changed my mind.) He was very upset that I had gone to his friend's home--that's the first time I've ever done that, but after he broke our trust last October, I had to do it. When I talked to him I found out that 10 guys had left that friend's home in two vehicles, 5 in each. We've told him before that we never want more than 4 kids in a car at once. We also always tell him to call us to let us know where he is and he didn't do that, either. (We think that will deter him from aimlessly driving around.) The next day he told me how scary it was when they had gone to a haunted (abandoned?) house in a somewhat rural area. He said it was earlier that night, but because he worked until 8:30, the timing makes me think it was later, probably just before I went for the 11:00 pickup. I don't think that will be the last surprise visit I make. Told him he needs to drive his own car so that he doesn't again end up in an overloaded car. He's way too much of a follower and I know he's embarrassed that we keep a closer watch on him than most of his friends' parents do on their kids. Had to explain to him that many of his friends are 18, and legally, their parents are no longer responsible for them, but that until he turns 18 in late August, we ARE responsible for DS.

Don't think we'll go back to an earlier curfew, but we will never retract the antennae while he's legally still a child.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: shels2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:13am

I had a similar lack of trust with my DD at that age for similar reasons. Once she began to some responsibility (coming home on time), then we tried something a little different. We extended her curfew by 30 minutes but made it clear to her that if she was out even 1 minute past that, then the next night she would have to be in that amount of time before curfew. This would work up to 30 minutes and if she was later than 30 minutes, she would either have to do a major chore (washing windows) or stay in the next weekend night. It worked great for her b/c she felt like she had some control over things. For our DD, just saying if do this, you're grounded only seemed to make her more determined to do something just as bad but not that just to prove she could.

We also would sort of let her earn a later time. Maybe once a month we might say you know what you haven't lied to us in a while and when we've checked on your whereabouts you are where you said you will be so tonight (and tonight only), you can stay out an extra 30 minutes but we must, as always, know where you will be and who you are with. This provided an incentive for good behavior in all areas.

I hope this helps.