Cyber bullying - how to handle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Cyber bullying - how to handle?
6
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:21am
Ok, my daughter is only 13, and I’m hoping some of you can give me some advice. My daughter has a MySpace, which I monitor constantly. We are very close and she shows me stuff on it all the time. I have the password, and I look at it often. I’m probably even too nosey. Lol! Anyway, there have been a couple of instances of cyber-bullying. One of them was not directed to her, and I knew the other parent of the girl who was doing the threatening. So I called her and had full support. There’s been another girl who has emailed my dd threatening her. See, my dd is best friends with this other girl’s boyfriend’s sister. So I think the other girl feels threatened by my dd spending a lot of time at his house to be with his sister. Anyway, the first instance, I called her mom and got a little bit of support from her. She was more mad at her daughter for cussing in the email than she was about the threat her dd made to my daughter – telling her she was going to beat the F out of her. Now me, I let the cussing go by (as long as it’s not my dd doing it! She doesn’t though.). I am more worried about the threatening. Anyway, when I called her mom, she did get on to her dd, and of course her dd lied about everything. I told her mom that I don’t care who said what to whom, and who doesn’t like whom – but that I do not appreciate the threatening. Anyway, so everything was cool after that. Until this morning, I get on my dd’s MySpace (she was still in bed), and there’s a bulletin to my dd from this girl again threatening her again. This time saying “I don’t care if you show this to your mom, cause she ain’t Sh… to me” blah blah… So… I couldn’t control myself. I posted a bulletin back to her saying “this is dd’s mommy” and told her that she either needs to walk the walk or shut the F up, and that I’m not going to call her mom this time, because obviously her mom gave up on trying to raise her long ago… Anyway, I’m sure it was very wrong of me, but what else to do? I cannot imagine her mom having any influence on this girl, or she wouldn’t have done this again. I was very careful about not threatening her or anything. Oh, I also told her to have a nice rest of the summer, and that I really do hope she grows up soon.
Please help – what else can I do? I am not the type of mom to ignore these girls, because I want to protect my dd. My dd is an excellent straight-A student, and wouldn’t hurt a flea. She also has many friends – many of them a grade older than her. She even used to be friends with this girl who’s picking on her now. I know kids can be so mean at this age, but seriously, how do you get through to them. Also, could the police dept do anything about it? At least talk to the girl to scare her or something? I don’t want to be one who calls the police on everything, but this is ridiculous!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:47am
I think you probably know resorting to sending a nasty bulletin back to a 13yo girl via myspace was probably not the right thing to do - you are the adult in the situation.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:51am

Her profile is set to private. That's a good idea about deleting this girl as a "friend". I'm going to have her do that today as soon as she gets up. (I can't do it now, cause we don't have access to it at work). I never think about deleting friends. Great advice!

Edited to say - I called my dh at work, and he deleted my bulletin. He also deleted this girl as my dd's friend. :-)




Edited 6/22/2007 10:32 am ET by times4
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:08am

" You might also want to have your dd either cancel her account or change it, make it private and not accept this girl as one of her friends."

This is what Pam said, and it was going to be my advise to you. Kids do say alot on-line that are JUST words, so I wouldn't worry for your daughters safety too much. Also, I hope you mean you just posted a message to this other girl, cause if it was a bullitin, everyone on your daughters friends list is seeing that you are fighting with this other girl :( I am on my boys myspace the same with passwords and all, but as much as I would like to post something to some of these kids sometimes....I have to bite my toung. I sometimes even realize that my mother had it better because of the 'ol saying what we DON"T know wont hurt us LOL Good luck with this.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:43am
I think I know what you’re saying… are you meaning that maybe I’m better off not reading her myspace? Cause I’ve been thinking that myself. I actually got all her passwords sometime last year, when I was getting concerned about my dd. She started acting really depressed all the time – crying for no apparent reason. I took her to the dr for blood work, and took the computer out of her room (advice from the dr, cause she was spending ALL her time in her room). I also started reading her stuff. I never found anything of concern. But she did start her period several months later, so I think now that it was just hormones. But after reading stuff that I read back then, I’ve just kept up the reading. Even if I didn’t get on myself and read stuff, her and her friends tell me everything. I guess I’m lucky that way. But I also think that if I just didn’t read it all, I’d be better off. But I’ve had several other parents tell me that they appreciate parents like me – they can call me and ask me stuff and I usually know what’s going on. So I’m stuck, not sure what to do.
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 11:17am

You said,

"I think I know what you’re saying… are you meaning that maybe I’m better off not reading her myspace?"

Yes and no :) I too feel that it is important in Todays world to keep a close eye on our kids, especially on myspace and other internet places. I am alot like you and started worrying about some of the Drama's going on. I realized that I could NOT get involved in the stuff that seems like regular teenage drama. It is soooo hard though, not to worry and "feel" for your teen when you see some of this stuff :(

Now I'm babbling, but the answer to your question is to say no I didn't really mean to not keep track of your daughters myspace, just know that sometimes when we know too much of the drama's we have to be able to "let it go" or let our kids handle it :)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 11:25am

This is one of the primary reasons I am 'anti-mySpace'. Teenagers (younger teens especially) feel safe saying things they normally wouldn't have the courage to say face-to-face to someone. They feel safer 'hiding' behind a computer screen.

I think making her page private and deleting that girl as a friend is a quick and easy way to stop the cyber-bullying. Since it is summer vacation, your DD may not have much other contact with her and hopefully, the other girl will lose interest in harrassing your DD.

I'd still keep an eye on her account though.