Dad and Teen Daughter

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Registered: 08-03-2004
Dad and Teen Daughter
4
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 2:44pm

I've just realized something and I'm completely disturbed by it. I think DH emotionally abandoned his DD. DD16 is an only child and her and DH used to be so close. She was Daddy's little girl. Once she turned 13 their relationship totally changed. I could see it happening and I tried to talk to DH about it but he inisisted that DD was a typical teen with an attitude and he just couldn't talk to her anymore. These past few years I have watched their relationship deteriorate. DH is a good provider and he is involved in all aspects of her life (meaning he is present) but he doesn't communicate with her. When he does talk to her it is to complain about what she hasn't done or what she needs to do. And he is constantly lecturing her about her lack of respect for him but quite honestly I think respect should be earned and I don't think he talks to her with respect so why should she give it?? Her and I don't talk to eachother like that so his excuse that she is a typical teen with an attitude just doesn't hold up anymore. Over the years she has made statements that she misses her father and the relationship they had and that she doesn't understand what happened. I don't understand it myself. I know that fathers sometimes have a hard time dealing with their little girls growing up and they pull away not knowing what else to do but this is just terrible. Tthey don't even fight anymore - it's worse - now they don't even look at eachother. DD has given up on their relationship which leads me to my next concern.

I posted not too long ago about DD spending every waking minute with her bf. I had decided to shut my mouth and just try and schedule some girl time with her by taking a trip to the mall or going to lunch. We have done that but she will only make plans if her bf is working and I have been understanding about that. But lately she has started to blow off previous obligations to spend her time with him and she completely revolves her life around his work schedule. Even painting her room. She had been organizing and cleaning it for a week and asked if I would help which I said I would on the following Sunday which is the only day I had free. She said that was her bf's day off so she didn't want to do it on Sunday. So I told her she would have to do it herself then - it still isn't done yet. But that's nothing too drastic right - typical teen stuff. Well the other morning she blew off skating (which totally infuriated me!) because it was his day off and they made plans to spend all day together. Well he overslept and when he called her and told her that he was going to be late she had a total meltdown!! I mean total hysterics. Now she does tend to be a drama queen but that is is not what this was. She was in a panic and was having a full blown anxiety attack - she used to have those when she was younger. DD is totally dependent and attached to her bf.

Looking back now, she hasn't been single since she was in 7th grade. Her first "real" bf was when she was 13. Nothing too serious but they lasted about 10 months. When they broke up the next bf came along 2 days later. That is the longest she has been single since she was 13. She dates the same bf for several months but will not break up with them until someone else comes along. I do think her current bf is her first true love. They have been together for 9 months now and he is very good at calling if he is going to be late and he has never dogged her before so when I witnessed her meltdown and saw her panic that he wasn't going to be there I thought it was a bit irrational. But then it got me thinking.....is she so attached to him that she is afraid he is going to abandon her. Are her insecurities due to her relationship with her father??? Are these bfs a replacement for her father?? Is that why she holds onto them until someone else comes along?? I'm not going to pretend to be a psychiatrist here but I can feel in my gut that that is exactly what is going on here and I don't know what to do about it. DD has already been to counseling for this and other issues and as much as I have tried to get DH to go he refuses. I am just so saddened by this for both DD and DH and needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:59pm

Dear Chillie:

Even before I read the last par. of your post, I was thinking that if a girl doesn't have a good relationship w/ her father, it is going to affect her relationships w/ men in the future (and I guess it is already). If you have ever heard the song "Daughters" by John Mayer, I think the words are very true. My DH hates that song and I think it's because it hits too close to home.

I can see a lot of what you wrote in my DH's (non) relationship w/ his 16 yo DD. We have only known each other 6 yrs. (2nd marriage for both of us) so I don't know what their relationship used to be like, but he mentions many times how they used to enjoy doing things together when she was young, like playing basketball and doing other outdoor things. She is pretty much still a "tomboy" if people still use that word. I think the major problem w/ the 2 of them is that when she was young, it was pretty easy to control her and after all w/ a little kid, what are you asking them to do? Eat their food, go to bed, do their homework, etc. Then the kid becomes a teenager and gets a mind of their own and maybe isn't so compliant. Then the father can't deal w/ it.

I don't know if some of it is because mothers tend to chat w/ each other more (and use these boards) and overlook a lot of the annoying teenage behavior as being normal growing up. I have tried to tell my DH to overlook a lot of stuff and see that we should be thankful for the way our kids are (I have a 17 yo DD and 11 yo son)--they aren't on drugs, drinking, pregnant, etc. and if the biggest problem is that they didn't remove their shoes from the living room, you can't get so excited about that. So on the one hand, he will yell at his DD for every little thing and then he gets upset that she stays in her room all the time and doesn't want to go anywhere w/ him. I wonder why! Or he will do stuff that's inconsistent--he complains if the kids watch TV downstairs if he wants to watch it, since the kids have TVs in their bedrooms and we don't, but then he'll say "Why hasn't Em (his DD) come out of her room? She's always in there?" Well, I guess it's because you complain if she's downstairs watching the TV. Then on the other hand, she doesn't make much of an effort for him either. If she rents a movie that he might want to see, she won't watch it w/ him--she'll say you can watch it after. Or if he offers to take her to a movie, she'll say "I dont' want to go w/ you." Well, I know that teens don't usually want to go to the movies & be seen w/ their parents, but there's really not much that she's willing to do w/ him.

I know my ex is disappointed that our DD doesn't spend more time w/ him, but it's not that they don't like each other. She likes going out w/ her friends, plus there's school and work, so she has less time. But he does make an effort to talk to her and do things that she likes, so I think they have a much better relationship.

Do your DH & DD have any interests in common that they could do together? I think it's good at least that he does show up at her events. Is he the kind of guy who just can't talk about his feelings? I mean, if he doesn't talk much to you, maybe he doesn't know how to talk to her either. I do know when parents are constantly lecturing and talking "at" their kids, the kids tune them right out. If he wants to have a relationship w/ her, I think he has to make more of an effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 7:06pm

In the words of my DS 22... "mom, stop analyzing everything, you're making yourself crazy!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 9:40am

I remember my dad pulling away from me emotionally and physically when I began to develop. Either my mom told him to back off or he was freaked out about my newest developments. Up until then, I would get a head start run and land in his lap for a huge hug and smooch! Suddenly, one day, he held me at bay and told me I was getting too old for that. I was 11 and crushed. Over the years following I rebelled like your typical teen and I too fell into relationships, one in particular at the age of 15 that changed my life. And following that a series of losers (at least that's what I would call them today). Do I think it was related to my stunted relationship with my dad? Perhaps.

Like Rose said, it is what it is - there is nothing you can say or do to make your H make a stronger effort to be close with his dd. Nothing. Even if you MADE him go to counseling, it's a little late in the game to be playing catch up. However, from my own experiences with my dds' and my H, I do interfere when I think he's being a butthead - accentuating the negative and ignoring the positives in the dds' lives. H gets it, although at times it's hard to stop him when he's on a roll nagging or whining about something - typically that the girls don't do enough around the house or take him/me fr granted.

Most importantly, I think you should try to steer your dd into other things. Help her realize that spending all her free time with bf is not healthy; that they need to sometimes forego that only Sunday time to be with family or friends. She needs to figure out what her pleasures are, or hobbies and nurture them. Those are the things that will outlast the BF and satisfy her in the long run. The fact that she's cancelling events or dates to hang out with the bf seems almost like an addictive behavior, which is really common in heavy duty teen love lifes - don't you remember that? You just want to be with each other every moment of every day. And once they become sexually involved, double that!

I think you should find a moment or a time when you can discuss your concerns with dd openly. Rather than focus on her father's lack of interest or involvement, share your concerns about how she is too wrapped up in bf and that you feel she needs to make time to be by herself or with family or friends more. It is okay to want to spend time with bf, of course, but she needs to cultivate an enriching life outside of bf. My 18dd will now spend evenings at home alone rather than use that spare time to spend with bf - it got the point where they were seeing so much of each other thier relationship was getting toxic. They are good now that they aren't with each other every night! And I see that dd is less stressed and worried all the time. It's like they each have thier own lives and when they come together, it's more satisfying. Whenever I want to discuss something of importance with my dd's, I take a ride somewhere or head to the mall, just to get the opportunity for some alone time without an escape.

Best of luck -

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 11:03am

Due to the culture we live in today, fathers get all sorts of conflicting messages.

I used to playfully wrestle with DD up to about age 10. She’d sit on my lap. We’d read stories. I’d give her a peck on the cheek. She’d give me a bear hug. It was so easy then.
Then seemingly overnight, there are developing.....protrusions.
Then we are told by the "experts" to be careful. Don’t provide a message that could potentially be misinterpreted to a vulnerable and sexually developing young girl.
So now new rules apply...
All of a sudden, that playful bear-claw to the stomach is no longer "appropriate".
Daughters sitting on our laps are no longer "appropriate".
A fatherly kiss is no longer "appropriate".
We are also told by the "experts" that adolescent daughters need their fathers attention, love and affection more than ever.
It’s in insoluble conundrum, and as Rose says, men don’t know how to deal with it.

So according to the prevailing attitude of adolescent psychology, when DD comes home excited about an accomplishment, I am to offer a congratulatory wave and a hearty handshake.
Then she can settle in for an episode of "Friends" on TV and watch implied casual sex and bed jumping.
We wouldn’t want to give her the wrong message now, would we..