DADDIO.....I HAVE A QUESTION
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DADDIO.....I HAVE A QUESTION
| Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:30am |
I need an outside "dad" opinion on the topic of boys/sex. As I stated in my post before,my husband and I talk very candidly about the issue of boys and hormones and how at this stage they are looking for one thing. When you wrestle around with a boy, or he comes up and tickles you to watch you squirm he is really just hoping you'll squirm a boob into his hand- right? Do you think that we have overdone the whole thing by telling her that that is all boys want? My husband sais that no, truly, that is all that boys want. But, now Im worried that we might be a little unfair to the boys. What do you think?

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What a loaded question.. ha.. :-)
I’m not really sure about wrestling and tickling to cop a feel. lol
What I do know, is that things have changed dramatically in the last decade or so.
I do think it’s unfair to present to our daughters “that’s all boys want.” It tends to minimize a complex issue of raging hormones, new feelings, and a lot of confusion.
Girls are becoming increasingly aggressive in that area as well.
At the risk of sounding like an old curmudgeon, what “boys (AND girls) want” has been muddled by TV and movies into a clear message that sex is no big deal. Until our teens are much older and mature enough to make that value choice, that message is at odds with reality.
One thing seems to have remained constant IMHO; In the early teen years girls tend to romanticize relationships very unrealistically. Neither sex really “knows what they want.” Boys will ask for sex because they are taught that’s what guys do. Girls may comply for a variety of (usually unhealthy) reasons to retain a boyfriend. The relationship is short lived and they find out that sex is, in fact, a big deal.
It’s REALLY good that you both are talking to her about this. It’s especially important for dads to talk about this with their daughters. I really think (would like to think) my oft and somewhat graphic and to the point discussions prevented some disasters along the way. You may want to suggest to DH to “fine tune” his approach a bit. Yes, boys may pressure and they will not turn it down, but it’s not all they want!
At least according to my DD, there seems to be a big difference in middle school teen years and high school.
My DD ran through several "boyfriends" in middle school because she wouldn't please. Apparently, there were plenty of opportunities for them elsewhere. Confused babies with hormones is not a good combination.
All the more reason for these discussions to take place earlier than we would like to think....
I'm not daddioe but I am the mom of two boys ages 16 and 19.
I agree, while I jokingly refer to STUPID BOYS or WIENIE BOYS (cl-jlsjjsmom term) that we must protect our DD's from, there are many honorable young men that will treat our DD's with the utmost respect.
I presented this question to DH and he grudingly admitted that when we constantly warn our DD's that teen boys want only sexual activity it can provided an unhealthy perspective for young women who are developing opinions of their bodies and the opposite sex.
In our home we talk, talk, talk to our DD (even though she mostly appears to be ignoring us) we know it is getting through the parents are dumb wall. Mostly, because we hear our own advice used in some manner when she is sharing one of her dramas and as would any intelligently superior teen, she of course takes credit for the thought herself.
That was our logical 2 cents on the subject. I will add that DH still has to resist the urge to say out loud "why is he touching her?", when they are goofing around in the living room.
Mom to 3 "adult" DSs here... or they think they're all grown up now, and I suppose 2 of them are... but here's my take.
No boy is going to turn down what's offered on a silver platter unless he's a saint or gay, especially if the offerings are made multiple times a day. However, in a lot of ways, boys want what girls want - friendship, companionship, fun times. But they DO think about sex a whole lot more than most girls do, and can see sexual references where no girl would ever see them. As I tell my DD, "guys get all fired up a whole lot easier than we do, and what we might see has harmless cuddling, they might see as a whole lot more." And for the most part, boys don't romanticize relationships like girls do - but they are just as upset as the girls at the end of a relationship, even if they don't show it as dramatically outside the privacy of their own rooms. btdt several times with the boys.
No I don't think boys will wrestle and tickle solely to cop a feel... but any feel that's gotten is definitely an added benefit! They're trying to figure out this whole relationship and sex thinks as much as the girls are.
Rose
I'm not a dad and I've only raised girls so I probably should keep my mouth shut but, like usual, I won't. When I read your first post, I was concerned that maybe you had "frightened" your DD a little too much but then I also know that some girls are just sensitive about their bodies as well.
I work with a group of boys in Sunday School (ages 14 - 17). I can assure you that this particular group of boys (with maybe the exception of 1) is not just out for one thing. Some of these guys are real hotties (the girls in Sunday School's words, not mine) and I'm very sure they could get the girls that put out pretty easily. The thing is that's not what they want. The oldest boy hasn't had a g/f in over a year b/c he knows he's leaving for college and he just wants to enjoy his senior year w/o worrying about getting his heart broken. I know he doesn't have to have a g/f to get lucky and he could probably have any number of quickie type hook-ups but he would rather just hang out with his friends (both male and female). I'm not saying he doesn't ever steal a kiss or maybe even a tiny bit more b/c he does. He discusses it with the other guys before Sunday School and since it's a class of all guys, they tend to forget that I'm even there sometimes so on these days, the lesson usually gets changed at the last minute. We've talked about each one of them has been given the same set of instructions for life and it's up to them to follow it. They've told me what they're parents have said on the subject and how they feel about it. We've talked about why they choose to date certain girls, how to decide if they want to go out with them again, etc. These guys know where their lines are, of course, sticking to it in the moment is a different story but it does help that they've discussed this beforehand. The oldest one knows exactly where his line is and he has no trouble drawing it. Thankfully he's doing a pretty good job of passing this mentallity along to the ones that are a little younger than he is.
You might want to talk with DD about how she feels about what you've said. Kids often interpret what we say completely different from the way we meant it. It could be that she thinks you are exaggerating to try to scare her into remaining a virgin forever. Her current style of dress may be b/c it's comfortable or she's just naturally shy about these things.
Good Luck!
No offense taken. I suppose until you've raised boys thru the teenage years it's a little hard to see where they're coming from, because they're so good at talking the macho talk sometimes, and hiding their feelings behind a lot of bravado at others.
So much of the "real" relationship stuff isn't seen by most of the world with my boys, they save both their ups and their downs for at home, mostly in their room behind closed doors. When J's g/f that he REALLY cared for cheated on him and then broke up with him saying some really nasty things, most of the world would have thought he didn't care, he was better off without her. That's a far cry from the J that the family saw every day. When C broke up with S when they were 19, most of the world saw a pretty angry young man... but I heard him cry himself to sleep almost every night for a week. Even though sexual activity played a role in both of those relationships, if the only reason the boys were in them was to "get lucky" they wouldn't have been so devistated when the relationships ended.
All of this makes it doubly hard to deal with N and T. I remember what being 15 feels like, and I understand why she says and does the things with T that she does, but sometimes I honestly feel sorry for him, coz I can see that some of what she does bothers him a whole lot more than he'll let on to her. And so far she hasn't been able to generalize what she's seen with her brothers' broken hearts to what she says and does with T. Maybe I've just spent too many years mending broken male hearts? Dunno on that one.
Rose
I agree with you Rose, that the rest of the world doesn't see the broken hearts of these boys. When ds20 broke up with his first "serious" g/f (he was a sophomore at the time and I *think* she may have been the one he gave his virginity to), I honestly thought he was ok for the first day or two. But one night he was in his room and I stuck my head in just to say good night and see how he was doing. All of a sudden, he just started sobbing. I went to him and held him for probably a good 30 min or so while he wept. In fact, he pretty much cried himself to sleep. I tucked him in, and went to my room where I proceeded to cry for another 30 min. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.
Now, I know that my boys think about sex *all* the time, but I honestly believe that sex is not the *only* thing they are looking for in a relationship. I'm also realistic enough that, at least with my older one, I don't know that he would turn it down if it were offered...I just hope that he would.
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