Dads and daughters - a sad story
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| Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:46am |
I didn't want to hijack daddioes thread with this, but I did want to post about something that happened here last week. This is pretty emotional stuff, and I simply haven't been able to post until daddioe got me thinking about the daddy/daughter thing.
My dh is, in addition to his day job in computer programing and general guruship, a volunteer firefighter. Dd and I were playing air hockey in our brand new basement(!) last week and I heard dhs page go off, but I didn't hear the call. Most times it's just alarm drops, but you never know. I shouted "be careful" as I always do, and he was out the door.
Three hours later, it was pretty clear that this was no false alarm. I was in the kitchen and dh came in the door and practially shouted "WHERE IS SHE?" I said, "In her room, on the phone." He ran up the steps, asked her to call her friend back, wrapped her in a hug and started crying. He'd just returned from an accident scene in which two teens, one of them a 14 year old girl, were killed.
He sees a lot, and usually deals with it very well, bu this just hit way too close to home.
I had been planning to have a talk with him about his responses to dd's distancing herself from him (see daddioe's thread for the freud-in-a-box anaylsis). He's decided to take on the role of the pesky kid brother with her - antagonizing, teasing - nothing really hurtful, but his way of dealing with their shifting roles. I'd planned to say somehting like "she needs a dad, not a pesky brother-figure". Well, I guess I didn;t have to.
The next night, while she was away I started to bring it up. He looked at me across the table and said "The pesky kid brother is dead".
He's ok now, and so is dd. She didn't know either of the kids directly - the high school here is huge and she goes to a small school in another city. She was very much affected by seeing her dad cry, but I'm not sure that's a bad thing.
My heart breaks for the famlies involved. A tragedy like this affects the entire community.
So, this is jt's way of saying - hug your kids and say a prayer of thankgsvining.
jt

Now I'm crying.... and moisturizer is running into my eyes and stinging them like crazy! Thanks alot!
But seriously, always having had a love/hate relationship with my father (mostly just apathetic), I feel that relationship is so very very important... and I'm happy that theirs is changing.
I feel for the family of the teens. What a tragedy.
zz
Thanks for sharing that story - it does hit close to home. There are MY reactions and then there are H's reactions to almost any given situation with our dd's. He is thier stepdad, but he's been in thier lives practically since birth and he may as well be thier bio-dad because he's the main dad and he's lived with them for the past 12 years.
When my 18dd told me she had become sexual with her BF, our talk was practical and nurturing. When I shared the news with H, he was crushed. He was okay, but I could see and feel him detach from dd for a little bit. It took him time to process the information and see her as more of a woman, a sexual being, rather than the little girl he taught bike riding and algebra to years before.
While we were on our cruise, dd18 had a couple of friends over. Well, they told 2 friends and they told 2 more, and, well, before you knew it there were about 20 kids in our little house, planning a Beer Pong Party on H's workbench downstairs. Well, some cops happened to be passing by and broke up the party before it was even started - the kids were only there about 15 minutes so none were drunk yet. DD was ticketed for possession of alcohol by a minor and she and I went to court yesterday where she was given 3 days hard community service in the inner city of Hartford - not a pretty place.
While on the one hand, H was quiet about it and figured it was mostly typical teen stuff, later we learned that two of the boys who had crashed the party that night had prior records - and they are only 18 y/o HS seniors!! Well, H took this way more seriously and spoke with dd about things on a much more serious note. DD later came to me with tears in her eyes and asked why H was so upset. Yes, upset, not angry. Apparently, he was upset that she would associate with bad apples and let her know it, very emotionally. Neither of them told me the exact conversation, but it's apparent that they have a new understanding of just how much H loves dd.
I think that it goes without saying that there is definitely a certain chemistry between between a father and daughter...not to say there isn't between any or either parent/child, but I do think that father/daughter thing is different. Definitely.
Oh jt, like everyone else, this touched a nerve with me. I've watched my DH distance himself from DD for the past several years and it breaks my heart -- since the physical changes from a little girl to young lady have taken place. I've seen the confusion in DD's face at what she feels is rejection/a slight/indifference to her.
It's very sad and heartwrenching to see. DH's DS (youngest after 3 boys) was Daddy's princess all her life -- still is, matter of fact at 44yo, and DH grew up with daddy's girl being the favorite, the princess, the can-do-no-wrong ... well, you get the picture, and DH has gone to the extreme so as not to fall into the same patterns with his own DD. He is also very careful in showing affection lest it be misconstrued as inappropriate behavior.
I have to say that imo, FIL and SIL do have an unhealthy relationship. SIL has been married three times, and after the demise of her 1st two marriages, FIL questioned her at length about the details of their marriage AND sex life -- frequency, positions, etc. Way, way inappropriate and none of his business. The fact that he would even ask such things of an adult, married woman is appalling to me. Up until recently, when SIL and MIL would go shopping, SIL would come home and give daddy a "fashion show" of all the new clothes she'd bought that day -- (actually, she may still for all I know). Actually, MIL usually paid for them so SIL budget didn't feel any strain. It seems to me that IL's never fully allowed SIL to grown up. Could explain why she's had two failed marriages and is in counseling for the 3rd one.
Anyway, I digress. Partly to try and understand DH's behavior myself. I try to tell DD stories about how close they were when she was a toddler, so that she knows that he does love her, just has a harder time showing her now. Just yesterday, I told her how daddy was the only one she wanted to help her get dressed, brush her hair, put on her shoes, etc. She'd push me away and scream (as only a toddler can do) "Nooooooo! Daddy do it!" I think she understands, but I know it hurts her.
I'm sorry your DH had to witness such a horrific scene.
jules
I know excactly what you mean about how baffled your dd is by your dh's distancing himself. Dd is doing a little distancing herself, but I've seen her face fall when she asks a question that is answered with a smart remark. She had asked him to play air hockey with her earlier the evening of the accident and he sighed before giving her what she no doubt perceived as a reluctant "yes". He was egging her on - I knew that, but she didn't.
And, yes, for the longest time dh was always the parent she wanted at bathtime and bedtime.
I'm going to a conference next week from Tuesday-Friday. I'm really hoping this will be a bonding experience for them both. Dh may have declared the death of the pesky kid brother, but it's going to take time and effort for him to reprogram himself!
Until you mentioned that phrase, I had never realized till now that is exactly how dh has been "relating" with dd these days. Dh grew up one of three brothers, and imo this might have something to do with the trouble he finds relating to dd. I had the same problem with my own dad, who was one of four brothers. It pains me to see them struggling although I think it was much worse for me - my own dad was so much more "unapproachable" but then again this is just how I see things and dd probably feels quite differently. But as a "outsider", I see more of dd "distancing herself" than I actually see of dh doing that...
It didn't help that dd was always "mommy's girl" and dh let it be, thinking when she was ready to "have a relationship with him" she would. In other words, giving her space, etc. Well, it still hasn't happened and now she's in that teen "don't care much for either parent" stage. I think dh tries - he brought her flowers and candy for Valentine's Day. If my dad had done that, I would have fainted dead of shock.
Thanks for sharing your story - how touching that dh cried in front of dd. I think that will stay with her for a long time.