DADS AND DAUGHTERS...IM GONNA KILL MINE!
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| Thu, 02-02-2006 - 8:58am |
Good Morning,
I really need help here before my husband and daughter's relationship become completely unrepairable- if it hasn't already! My daughter is nearing 13 and for the most part I think we are lucky that she is still somewhat of a good kid. She doesn't lie, she's a great student, responsible and although she has made some mistakes, they are nowhere compared to what both my husband and I were doing at her age!!! But, my husband is just such a jerk to my daughter! He is not her biological father, but has adopted her and has been her "dad" since she was 2 1/2. My ex-husband was very abusive to both of us and yes, I admit, we all "coddled" her and spoiled her terribly(obviously trying to make up for the bad things in her life)-so for a long time she did have an attitude of entitlement. I think in the past few years she has accepted that this is not going to be a way of life for her. My husband just seems to constantly instigate her, he is very, very judging of her in all aspects- her music, her clothes...etc. He takes every opportunity to let her know just how he feels about her. He very rarely gives her a compliment, if he does its because I've prodded him to. She will come to me and tell me about their altercations, she's looking to vent, and looking for help. Now, when Im not around he will say to her " You can go run to Mommy and tell her about how bad I am to you, I know your going to anyway"....they got into it last night (while I was visiting a friend at the hospital) because she wanted to download some songs onto her Ipod and he said she needed to expand her musical tastes and that all her (rap) music was about "shaking your ass" so she sais to him "well, all your music (rock) is about drugs" and he would not admit it. I guess she told him that she didn't ask for his opinion and when he attempted to get her to listen to one of his songs he got angry because she didn't like it. She is so frustrated with him and honestly, so am I. He just doesn't see how unfair he is to her. What grudge does he have against her? She is no different from any other teen girl- she's even better as far as I'm concerned. I think she is awesome! BTW, I have an 8 yr. old son also, who is very undisciplined, very mouthy, and lazy and that seems to be quite allright with my husband. After much prodding from me he agreed to do something with each child, ya know, dad and me time. He took my son and his friend to a hockey game and had a great time. He was struggling to find something to do with my daughter, and has yet to do anything with her. If I don't say anything to him, he will forget, as Im sure he already has. I know this is long, but please, any advice her would be great. I don't want my daughter to run to the first man (boy) she meets to get the approval and attention she needs from the opposite sex. He just does'nt get it. HELP!!!! Stephanie

Awwwww, I feel so bad for your daughter. Unfortunately I don't have any advice, except the usual family counseling.
But I can relate to some of what you say... from your daughter's side. This is so strange, but last night I dreamed of my father and over and over he was telling me how pretty my best friend was. He used to do this when I was younger, my bf was somewhat exotic looking. I was no slouch in the looks department, but my father never told me I was pretty. He never complimented me at all. Not in academics (in which I did well), nor music, or anything. It took me years to realize I was pretty, I was smart, it didn't matter that he called me a whore. (I was older than your DD, by the actual name calling)
I eventually quit trying to start conversations with him because I never knew what his reaction would be. For examples: when I was hit head-on by a drunk and I was the only survivor (with very very minimal injuries)- his first words were "why were you driving out there anyway? you know those people are driving drunk through there." *Those people* were black people, but it was the only highway going where I was going!! Not a thought of a hug or anything like that, I was just hiding in my room hoping no one would notice I was there.
If I tried to tell him of some accomplishment of mine, it would seem to always turn into something that would hurt my feelings instead of what I thought it might be - hey! dad really does think I'm worth something.
It's taken him almost dying 3 times from heart failure, and my sister dying in a house fire 13 months ago, for him to finally begin to change. But still, I'm leery..... Ok, I still don't trust him enough to get too personal with him, but he IS improving in his old age.
Gee, I'm getting sad just writing this. I'm now 44 years old and I'm still dreaming of this? Whew. You are right to be concerned how this will affect your little girl. I threw myself onto most any guy that would show me attention and affection in high school and college ... Couldn't wait to get married at 18, it lasted less than a year.
The only advice I can give from the heart is that, if he doesn't change, you might want to consider leaving him. It wouldn't have helped in my situation since my father seemed to care more about how much money he'd have to pay in the case of divorce, and my mother was even worse than him .... but I can't see how your DH's behavior CAN NOT be devastating to your DD.
Hope I didn't offend you,
zz
Hugs to you and your family. This sounds very much like my DH and my oldest DD. They are very much alike in a lot of ways and for some reason he never could praise her but you better believe he able to criticize. He's that way with myself and our youngest DD to some extent but soooo much worse with oldest DD. Alot of his had to do with his alcoholism and by the time he had quit drinking, she was gone to college. He is so much better now but even when he tries to just have a conversation with her, she sees it as him being critical. He can ask her how classes are going and she will automatically assume that he is condemning her b/c she made a 98 instead of a 100. He is very, very proud of her and now even if he tries to tell her she doesn't hear it.
I tried to put the two of them into counseling when DD was about your DD's age and she refused to discuss things with the counselor b/c she was afraid that dad would be told and he would get upset. So after a few visits, the counselor pretty much told us it was useless. I wish I had had this board b/c someone here would have insisted that we keep looking for a counselor that DD would trust.
Please get Dd and DH into counseling as soon as possible. If one won't go, then take the other one. If neither will go, I would go myself so that I could learn how to help boost DD's self-esteem and maybe get some insights into how to help DH with his attitude.
Good Luck!!
My DD14 and DH had a hard time a couple of years ago - he didn't really know how to relate/talk to a girl and she found it easier to just stay away or only talk to me. Like you, I didn't want her to go through teen years with such a distant relationship with her dad.
I started deliberately finding things for them to do, finding common interests. Like they both had told me there was a play they wanted to see, so I encouraged DH to just take DD. At one point DD said to me, why are you always pushing me and dad together? I said that I thought she was finding it easier to connect with me, but I wanted her to see how great her dad was too and he's a little harder to get close too. (that way I acknowledged how she was having a hard time with him without, I hope, putting him down) I also set up conversations, like I'd say to him "DD did great on her science test" and then he'd go ask her about it.
What's interesting to me now, is there are some things she only talks about with him; parts of her that he's closer to than I am. At first it was hard for me to "give up" that exclusive closeness, but it's been great to see them share interests, experiences, and jokes. It's still more natural for her and I, but it's nowhere as distant for her and her dad as it was before.
HTH
Good luck!!
Sue