Dating question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Dating question
16
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:29am

Hi all. I have a question that I'd like to run by you. My 16 yr. old dd just started to see a young man who is about 17. He attends a different school and he also has his license. They have only been seeing each other for about a month but have gotten together every weekend along with a friend of my dd and her bf. My question is this...when is it appropriate for parents to say that they want to meet the guy their dd is seeing? The first time he came to pick up our dd, her cell phone rang and he said that they were all waiting out in the car for her. That first time we let it go w/o insisting that he come inside to meet us and she went out to the car and left. The next time he came to the house, last weekend, we said that we'd appreciate it if he could just come to the door and say hi or one of us could go out to the car and say hello. Well, you would have thought we asked our dd to cut off her right arm. She got very upset and said that she didn't want to make him come inside. I know it's early in the relationship...she just likes to say that he's just a "friend". I also know that she was very worried that we might embarrass her. I'm sure our very exsistence alone is enough to make us embarrassing-LOL. Anyway, I told dd that we would just say hello and that would be it. I know that this is all new to her and to us as well. Anyway, after brooding in her room for a while, the doorbell rang. My dh answered the door, the young man said hello, shook hands with both of us and then the two of them left.

I guess I'm wondering...does anyone insist anymore that a young man come to the door or does everyone's dd just run outside to the car and go? We don't expect him to come to the door everytime, but I did want to put a face to the name. I'm also curious to hear from moms who have sons and get their input as well. Thank you so much!!!

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:49am

Neither of my dds' (17 and 19) are allowed to run out to anyone's car, guy or girl - unless it's been a longtime girl friend.

Yes, my dds' were both mortified by our insistence that the bf/date come inside and meet us before they leave, but then they got over it. They realized that it wasn't anything like the Spanish Inquisition they thought it would be and that we were actually normal and respectful of their date. haha -

When dd19 was 17 she started seeing this boy who was two years older. He came in to meet us and we chatted briefly. Before they left I asked for his cell phone number and after they left I saw that he jotted down his entire address, birth date, year make and model car with license plate, his cell and home number, full name, and social security number. LOL - I liked him simply because he had a sense of humor. DD said it was wrong of me to ask for his cell, but my excuse was that if her phone didn't have service I could reach her by his cell and that seemed okay by everyone. They went out for 2 years and I still have that slip of paper btw.

Recently, dd17 had a brief love interest with a boy I had already met and I really was excited that they were interested in one another. When he came over one day after school, I tried to be invisible and they seemed to be having fun, but every time I turned around, there was this boy hovering nearby. After he left dd said he thinks I am really pretty and that bugged her (lol-understandable). Anyway, they never connected and now she's kind of sort of seeing this other kid we like, but we know that he drinks and that worries us a bit. But all the kids hang out at our house, so I pretty much know them all anyway. I like that they feel comfortable here and I like that they like H and I. It's important to me that we're perceived as being an open and inviting family to these kids.

Anyway, long answer short, yes, we always make the boys come in to pick up our dds - there will never be any of that horn beeping, car idling business around here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:55am

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Yep, we told that to DD long ago. Yep, she was mortified but oh well ...

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:58am
As long as you don't "quiz" the guy, I think you're absolutely right! My DD was/is embarrassed when I insisted on walking her to the door of her friends, let alone bf's LOL Just recently, I found myself sitting next to the mother of DD's bf - and I ...... introduced myself to her!! Talk about embarrassing!! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:17am

This reminds me that recently DD was going w/ a boy (her friend's BF) to some other kid's house to work on a school project. I was surprised that he came to the door and rang the bell. She said "I thought you would just beep" He said "I dont' do that." Later on, DD was gushing about how wonderful he was, so cute, star hockey player, smart, etc.

And when she had her first date, I told her the boy couldn't just beep since he was someone I had never met, he didn't go to her school and they met through work. I just wanted to see who he was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:34am

My DS 16 just started dating about a month ago. The girl's family knew him by sight (we go to the same church--the kids met in Sunday school). He doesn't have his license yet, so I'm their chauffeur. When he picked her up for their first date, he went to the door, was invited into the house, and got the once-over from mom, siblings, in-laws, and cousins (the girl's family was burned out of their house and they are living with her married sister, her husband, and their kids). I think she was more embarrassed by her family's "welcome" than he was.

For their second date, he also went in to the house. For their date this Sunday, we're taking her home after church and they're going to play laser tag.

Even once he gets his license, I'll let him know that I expect him to pick Rachel up at the door every time.

Elizabeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:35am

I have boys and don't have a problem with moms expecting to meet my sons. Having shy boys, I would hope it would be nothing more than a 'meet & greet'.

I have never pushed it at this end as it seems that things start with the boy doing the driving so coming here would be more of a 'special trip'.

I tend to meet the girls naturally if things progress but I know DS2 saw girls in high school one or two times that I never met. Other moms of boys want to meet all their sons dates

I think it's a comfort level thing and hey, we are entitled to that! We have done a lot of hard work to get them here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:17pm

Thank you all so much for the replies that I've gotten so far. I'm glad to know that we are all of the same page so to speak.

I was starting to wonder if times had changed so much that boys weren't expected to come to door anymore. I really didn't care if we were "just the old fashioned couple in town" but I was amazed that the whole concept seems so foreign to these kids. I did tell my dd at the time that I didn't think her bf would be too surprised that we lived at the house, since I didn't think that he assumed that she lived alone :-)

I also told my dd how easy we were with him since I remember the first time I met dh's parents that I was asked to sit down and was basically interviewed. I think my parents were much easier on my dh since they had already been through it before with my two older sisters many times and were far more relaxed about it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 3:42pm

I think you are absolutely within your rights to expect to meet this young man before he goes out with your daughter. I think you're only being a responsible parent by doing that.

This reminds me of those "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter", of which Rule Number One is "If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up!" :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 6:00pm
You are absolutely right to expect to meet this boy. I only have boys and so far I've known the girls they have 'gone out with' and the girls' parents have known them (we live in a fairly small community).
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: nikimom2
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 8:50pm

No BTDT advice, but I'll tell you what I'm going to be doing in the next couple of years, whether DD and whatever guy happens to come and pick her up, like it or not. In fact, I'm going to do it with all 4 of these girls, whether they like it or not. If the guy can't have enough decency to come in and at least say hi, I'm So&so, then there's no way she's getting in a car with him and driving who knows where. I'm laying eyes on him and he's got to look Dad in the eye, too. And if they don't like it, I guess there'll be no dating in my home until they turn 18. Dating is a priviledge, not a right. Yep, pretty mean mom here, but they know life goes much smoother when they do the few things mom says they HAVE to do and are non-negotiable. And, meeting the bf will be one of them when they actually go out on a date.

Best wishes

Sallie

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