Daughter and friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Daughter and friends
5
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 10:59pm

Hi,

I don't post here that often, but I am at my wit's end. My daughter is a senior in high school. She has a nice boyfriend, and up until recently, had a group of really nice girlfriends. Since Christmas, the friendships with these girls has gone downhill. Truthfully, I'm not really sure why.....part of it I think is because my daughter has a boyfriend, and these girls don't. Part of it is because my daughter is too outspoken and hasn't figured out yet that you can't say everything you are thinking. Part of it....I think may just be early separating from high school friends. I don't know. Because she is upset about the lack of girlfriends to hang out with, she is tense and stressed about college looming in the very near future too. This makes her a bit snappish with the boyfriend. ALL of these things are swirling around right now, and the end result is that my daughter is feeling left out, and like her boyfriend doesn't really like her too much anymore. I guess because she's 17, she doesn't have the maturity to figure out a plan of action of how she can improve things. She's so sad.....but when she is sad, she covers it up with anger. She's like a small cornered animal, fighting back at what is threatening her. I'm frazzled because I know her well, and I see how hurt she is. I've tried to suggest calling different girls, and I've also suggested that she not snap at her boyfriend all the time. (How can that make him want to spend time with her???) I try to balance my words between helping her salvage her already fragile self-esteem, and by giving her helpful suggestions about how to change her situation. The bottom line is my stomach is in knots!!! It is so difficult to sit back and watch her try to negotiate her way through this mess of tangled relationships. My sister says I need to step back from it all and not be so involved. That's difficult to do. Am I the only mom who feels that way? A good friend of mine said that kids need to go through these situations. It helps them figure life out, and makes them tougher. I just don't know how to step back. I would really welcome another mom's insight. I'm too close to the situation to know what to do at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:43am

You're not the only mom who feels that way. Tonight when DS17 got home after his soccer game, he called his friend to see what was happening and his friend told him that he was hottubbing, but that he could have only x number of friends over--DS was not invited. Now, because DS NEVER has friends over here, I can understand that he might be one to be rejected if his friend has to limit the number of invitees. But I know DS took it as a putdown. Fortunately, some other friends called him cuz they were having a spring break "reunion" and going to a movie. I was actually happy cuz these kids are the straighter ones (mostly girls), and he chose to go with them rather than play video games with a couple of his other guy friends. But what made me really happy, was that he actually looked forward to spending time with them again, even though they aren't his closets friends. Now if I can get him to invite THEM (the straighter kids) to our house sometime, I'll be ecstatic!

With boys, I think this sort of problem is not as severe as with girls, but I wanted you to know that it can happen with them, also. It IS hard to watch, and my stomach, too, is often in knots over it.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 9:10am
Your sister and friend are right IMO, though that's easy for them (and me!) to say. I'm not sure how to tell you to step back, I tend to be one of those really involved moms too, but somehow over the years, I've managed not to feel my teens' heartaches as strongly as I once did. Maybe it's experience? I do know that I'm not as affected by my DD 15's dramas as I was by my oldest kids' - now 22 y/o. It's a growing process for the kids, and as a senior, your DD is looking at a lot of changes in her life in the next few months. And unfortunately, she's gotta figure them out for herself. Part of the road to adulthood is learning to figure out life's bumps in the road on one's own... we figured it out when we were teens, and I'm confident your DD will too.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:17am

Thanks to both of you. It's just helpful to hear that I'm not alone in this. All parents suffer along with their kids at some point or another. I know I need to step back because I realize that I am the one who needs to be strong when she is down and needs reassurance that life will go on when friends desert her.

Thanks for listening. Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:05pm

It does seem to be that girls are more inclined to be in situations like this than boys. I have one of each and while the drama was pretty severe in middle school with my DD, it seems to be less an issue for her in high school.

I agree with the others that this is just the sort of thing that young people need to learn to navigate on their own. However, I don't think there is any reason you can't help with the steering. You might say something like, 'You know, when I was in high school, something similar happened to me. Here's what I did and here's what happened.'

Do you think your DD might be receptive to something like that? If so, it's sure worth a try.

And no, you are certainly not the only mom who find it difficult to step back. It is hard, but we just gotta do it sometimes!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 8:52pm

In the past couple of months, I've spent less energy trying to "solve" DD15's problems, or even trying to help her solve them, and more just listening. I find she needs someone to vent all her stress at, and it seems to be me (lucky me!). She can't vent to her girlfriends, especially if one of them is the source of stress, so it's me. She even said the other night "thanks for just listening - I feel better".

So I think even when you are just sitting back, you are helping her. Talking things out will help her, will make it easier to problem solve.

Sue