Daughter Dating Bad Boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Daughter Dating Bad Boy
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 10:36am
My daughter "went out with" a boy two years ago that was nothing but trouble. He caused her to be depressed because he spoke meanly to her, was jealous and possessive. She finally broke up with him. He caused huge problems between me and her. She dated a very nice boy for awhile. Now I find out that they are talking again daily and I'm not sure if they aren't even seeing each other when I'm not around. I'm so disappointed and angry at her for even talking to this evil kid again. I've grounded her from the phone, took the cordless phones with me to work so she can't talk to him between the time she gets home from school and when I get home, and I'm disconnecting her cell phone.

I need advice on what to do. I know that forbidding her to talk to him will probably make her want him more and that's the last thing I want. But the thought that she's even talking to him again makes me nauseous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 9:56pm
You've already said what I was going to start out with - forbidding her from talking to the bad boy will probably make him seem all that much more attractive. would it be helpful to talk with her to help her remember what her life was like when she went out with him before? Does she really want to return to that? When she tells you "but he's changed" - and she probably will - I'd say yes that may be, but it is very difficult for someone to change the basis of how they respond to people, so be very careful and protect yourself and protect your heart. You don't say how old your DD is, but some of how I'd handle this would depend on her age. I would also point out her good qualities, and without attacking him, let her know that she is a good person and deserves to be treated like a queen, with kindness and respect, and anyone who does less is devaluing her. DS S dated a girl about 2 yrs ago that was nothing but trouble, drug dependent, cheating on him, verbally and physically abusive. Many people had tried to get him to leave her because she was bad news, which only made him hold on tighter. I took the approach that no matter how good the good times may be, he deserves to be treated with respect, kindness, and caring ALL the time. (S is actually a foster child that we've had for about 2 yrs. He was dating this girl when he moved here) I reinforced how much his kindnesses toward her should earn him kindness in return, which he wasn't getting. After several weeks of this he finally left the relationship, which infuriated her, and caused her to be even more abusive toward him for a short time - until she found someone else to manipulate. I, too, had a very verbally and emotionally abusive b/f in college...it's very hard to believe you deserve anything better when you're in that kind of relationship, because they make you think all their abuse is your own fault and for your own good. A tough trap to get out of to say the least. Keep buildiing your DD up, so that she BELIEVES she deserves better. As you said, attacking him may very likely cause her to be even more attracted to him. Best to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:18am
Ok you sound like my mom. Once in the winter time she threw him out side by the back of his neck while threating him with a wiffel ball bat, lmfao, because he was sleeping in my bed with me. oops.

My ex fiance she feels the same way about him he's been to jail and he's done some bad things he was possessive too. I've been dating this new guy for the last 3 years and it's just because I'm trying to make my mom happy by being with a "good guy" his dad's the cops so now she doesn't even like him. I still see my ex on occasion because eventhough we stopped talking for a while and have tried to move on and it sucks so bad not being with him everyday. I even moved 3 hours away once but mom wanted me to come home. Now I love my mom and she knows a lot more now than I would've ever told her because of that bad boy. We're like good friends it's awesome. I can tell her anything. I tell her when I go see my ex and I know she doesn't like him but I think she's even came to realize that he's not going to give up because he's not we're great together and now that we're not 16 and we're 22 we have learned a lot of life lessons together and it only makes our bond stronger. I really wish I wasn't in this current relationship because he's like my best friend too. I love him and there's nothing I can do to change the way I feel. I've tried it all. I left him though because we had no place to go and it went to far try to run from every thing and be on our own at 17. And now he has things to prove before I even concider going back to him. If your daughter knows the difference between what's right and wrong and you be her friend and talk to her while still doing the parenting thing giving her real world knowledge in time I think she'll realize what's best for her.