Daughter doesn't want xtra activities

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Daughter doesn't want xtra activities
7
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 3:26pm
Hello experienced Teen parents! My 14 year old daughter is in dance. She started when she was in 5th grade and participated for four years. Her second year of dance she was dancing with girls in compeition that were dancing for 8 years...She was front row center in her class! Anyway, she does not want to dance any longer. She definitely has a natural ability to dance and is very good at it. The problem is she doesn't want to do it any more because it takes up too much time. It is one day a week for an hour and a half. The girls she was in dance group last year she didn't care for that much because the majority of them are from a larger city and she felt uncomfortable around them. She doesn't have any friends from her own school in her dance class. Anyway, She was in volleyball last year and she doesn't want to do that either....so basically that would leave her without any activities. Do I just let her do what she wants???? She will turn into a computer/tv teen......
HELP!
Jennifer
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 4:00pm

When I was a child I did not want to participate in ANY activities. To this day I hate the feeling of competition etc. I have no problem with public speaking, so it's not a fear of being in front of others that bothers me. I guess I just don't feel the need to prove that I'm good or better than anyone else.

I say this because my parents never pushed the issue of activities with me. Do I think that was wise? I don't know. I'm almost 35 now and quite happy NOT doing sports or other activities like my friends and co workers do. I feel no need to "get out there" and join teams etc. Perhaps if my parents had forced the issue I would have a different feeling about it today. BUT, it also could have had a negative affect and created problems in my parent child relationship.

Personally, I have children from the age of 2 1/2 to 15. (the older ones are step children). I do not force activities - though we give them lots of opportunity. My daughter is 9 and started dance when she was 4. She went for 3 years before deciding to do soccer instead (I think this was to please her father but I dont' know for sure). At any rate she sort of lost interest in dance mid way through the last year she was in it - my only rule was that if she starts something she has to finish it. With dance that meant finishing out the year - they had a spring recital and then the class started up again after a couple of months off. She had to finish through the spring recital before she could stop.

Ironically, she's taking dance again now.

I understand your concern over her becoming a TV/PC junkie and I think it's valid. One thing you could consider doing is limiting the number of hours per day or per week that she has to watch TV and be on the PC.

If you have a family assumption that your children will participate in some sort of activity, make sure that she understands this expectation is part of her "job" as a child in the household. Give her options. If she no longer likes dance or sports she needs to pick something else to do on a regular basis - community "service" is a nice option - something to "give back" to her town - like volunteering to read to kids at the library on Sunday afternoons, or visiting folks in a retirement home. Giving her other options lets her have a sense of being in control which is incredibly important for teens. You could even have her be an active participant in making the list of things that she'll get to choose from. You could even have different categories.

Letting her know that learning how to work as a team with others and giving back to her community are important lessons beyond just what she's doing now. (I know, this is a tough concept to get through to kids.)

Good luck!!

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 4:05pm
I would let her do as she wishes, but make it clear that you will be monitoring her TV/Computer time....perhaps give her an allotment per day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:49pm

Hi Marie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:49pm

I think kids go through phases with this - my DD did very few extra-curricular stuff in 7th and 8th, only did Jazz Band in 9th, did Jazz Band, softball, and religious school this year, and just told me that next year (11th) she's going to get involved in one of the school magazines, might try out for a play, and wants to be on the committee planning the Jr Formal. Still doing softball and jazz band. I wouldn't worry about your DD, but maybe ask her what's up - maybe she's nervous about increasing work in upper grades and how to balance extras with that. Maybe she wants more time with her friends.

My only regret for my DD is it's hard to *start* a new thing in 11th grade - other kids have been doing it for a few years and know each other and the advisors, etc. It's hard to break into the group. But I couldn't have told her that two years ago - or I could have told her, but she wouldn't have listened to me LOL

HTH

Sue

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 7:27am
Ask her to choose soemthing to replace dance. Since Dance was only once a week, she could join a bike club, volunteer at a old age center, join scouts, what ever!!! Who knows what her passions may lead.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 8:30am

Personally I don't see the point in keeping a kid in an extra that they don't want to continue with. Afterall there is a lot of work and commitement involved and I'd rather have a teen active in something they care about.

As for not wanting to do volleyball. She tried it, but didn't enjoy it enough to want to continue. This year I would suggest that she look at some other options. School newspaper, drama club, art club, band, choir, another sport, etc.. How about volunteering at an animal shelter, or teaching a dance class at the Boys and Girls club? There are lots of options out there that she has yet to explore. Just because she can't put a finger on one activity now, doesn't mean she won't be involved later.

As for your concern about her becoming a computer/tv teen. That will only happen if you allow it to. Put restrictions on usage and encourage at least one extra curricular.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:51pm

As far as activities go, usually there are quite a few clubs/activities to choose from in high school. You might say that it's ok for her to try something new, but you want her to pick out one club to join. That way, she has free time, but she's still involved in something.

My DD was a pretty big joiner in h.s.--track team, Best Buddies, various committees for social activities, National Honor society, plus working part-time. My DSD is much more of a loner. She has a couple of good friends, not a big group, but I think that's fine. The thing is that we didn't want her to have a big blank space when it came to filling otu college apps, so DH told her last year (11th grade) to join one thing. She joined Rotary Interact, which I think is a service club, but I never heard her talk about anything they did, so I wonder if she just "joined" but never participated. I do know that I had a lot of fun being in different things during high school, much more than if I had just attended school and gone home, but I was never that interested in TV and of course the internet wasn't invented yet.

As far as becoming a couch potato, you could make it a health thing, like you don't have to do dance, but if you don't do some organized activity, it's still good to be active. She could do something as simple as walking or running around the block, doing yoga, or just playing tennis or something for fun, non-competitive. I know that after doing some activity for a long time, sometimes you just get sick of it. I took piano lessons for 10 yrs., then by the time I was in 9th or 10th grade, I just decided I had had enough. My teacher was kind of the elderly spinster and she made us join a music club, which had recitals once a month on a Friday night, the same night as basketball games. Guess which one won out--I ended up being a basketball cheerleader. I still play the piano today and after all those lessons, I can sight read any type of music.