Daughter N Son Driving Me Crazy
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Daughter N Son Driving Me Crazy
| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:14am |
I don't know where to begin...all I know is that I need help. I have a son that will be 22 in a few weeks...he joined the military last yr. and went thru hell just to get thru boot camp...his grandfather(my father) passed away while he was in boot camp and I couldn't tell him cuz I knew what he'd do...but when he graduated I was never so proud of him as I was then...he's really turned his life around and I thank the military for that...and I know he does too...since he's been home he's found himself a very nice girlfriend that we like...he doesn't drink like he used to...he can't drink like he used to...he has a great job that he gets up and goes to everyday...and does everything and anything for his girlfriend...that makes me happy that he knows how to treat his girl and all...NOW...I also have a 17 yr. daughter...this girl is driving me to kill myself. She has the most crappiest of attitudes ever....she thinks she knows everything...trying to teach her how to drive is like trying to teach your professor what he already knows...she thinks she knows how to do this and that and then she yells at you etc...she has always lived to play softball...I've always supported her with this too...so this year she made the varsity team...but she couldn't get along with some of the girls because they were jealous of her...its a long story but it goes back to their parents...anyways..she ended up breaking her ankle at one of her games and this is where life changed for everyone. My daughter has a very nice boyfriend...he has honor grades and will be graduating this yr...and going to college knows what he wants to be...I think thats great...he spends so much time with her I don't have a problem with that...the problem is I found some unopened beer cans under her bed...and a letter from the school that was addressed to me...the parent that she shoved in her drawer so I wouldn't find it...when I confronted her about all this she tried to turn this all around as if it was all my fault and I was the bad person here...for snooping thru her room etc...I told her that this is my house and I can do whatever I wanted and look wherever I wanted whenever I wanted...I'm trying to make this long story short but its not working out...she used to get along wonderfully with my sons girlfriend...I mean like they were very close...now she cant stand her...I have no idea why either...but the other day my son & daughter were yelling at each other and she yelled something nasty about his girl and he went nuts on her...destroyed her door...ripped it right off the wall...then they started spilling the beans about each other...I found out who was really buying them beer...and that my daughter was even smoking after she would yell at me and my hubby for smoking...then I found out that she has been having sex with her boyfriend after we talked about her waiting etc. I'm so hurt here by both my kids that I really don't want either one of them in my house anymore...my daughter did end up leaving for the weekend to chill out...but I'm so disappointed in her boyfriend because we really trusted him...when we had to go on some of her softball tourneys we would allow him to just sleep over...they slep on an air mattress in the living room knowing that nothing was going to happen...but I feel as if we were taken advantaged of because we did allow this...how stupid were we...I just don't know what to do anymore...Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? I really would appreciate any suggestions...

Hugs to you, the house must be pretty much chaos with the two of them going at each other!
1st, find out the $$$ to repair the damage your ds did. Present him with the bill and tell him when it needs to be paid. You didn't say...did he buy the beer you found? I would have a very, very long talk with him (and her) that it WILL not happen again. Period.
As for your dd, after ds repairs or replaces the door to her room, I would seriously consider taking it off and storing it in the garage for a couple of days. Or, at the very least, make sure there is no lock on it whatsoever. Explain to dd she has now lost all your trust in that she A) hid beer in her room and B) hid a letter addressed to YOU in her room. Therefore, her room is no longer "private", nor is anything else (her car, etc).
I don't know what was in the letter from the school. If it was "bad news", then you will have to address that separately also.
As to her attitude while you are attempting to teach her--question..are you actually "teaching" or has she gone thru a driving course and she's just getting in her required hours? If you are actually teaching, then stop. Tell her to either adjust her attitude or she can pay to go to a driver's ed class. If she is just getting in her required hours, let her get them in with her brother or her dad.
With respect to her having sex, well, the mainest concern is is she having "protected" sex? If she has not been yet, set her up an appointment to see a gyn and see about bc. Personally, I wouldn't harp on the fact that she didn't wait--that bridge has already been crossed--concentrate now on protection. I know you are so disappointed in both your dd and her bf for having sex, but they did. (Make sure you don't shift all the blame to the b/f for this--they are in it together.) I wouldn't blame yourself either for those times when he stayed over. I would however, make sure he never stayed over again. :)
Lastly, let your dd, ds and his g/f work thru whatever it is that your dd is upset with ds' g/f. That one you can just stay out of. :)
The attitude, etc. of your dd sounds pretty typical for teens, some kids are worse than others. As far as your ds goes, is he looking to move into his own place soon or is he thinking about returning to school? Not that you should just boot him out on his ear, but I was wondering if there are some extenuating circumstances as to why he is still living at home.
Thanks for the replies...I'll try to answer them as I can remember them...
I'll start with my DS...As they were screaming and spilling the beans about each other thats when I found out that he is the one that bought the beer for them...my DD's bf gave him the money...but my DD said it was only to fit in...they don't really drink...I don't know who to believe...I don't think he(bf) does but I think my DD might...and I know that he (bf) doesn't like smoke so why she was smoking is beyond me...but she said she quit over a month ago...but why she even started is also beyond me because she does nothing but harp on me n the hubby for smoking. I'm disgusted with my DS for other reasons...since he came home from the service...he hasn't lifted a finger but maybe once or twice...I will say he has helped us out and given his sister a ride to work when we couldn't but as far as help out with mowing the lawn or plowing the driveway or whatever...no...and on top of that...his gf stays here every night also...I feel as though I don't have a say in this or I am a bad parent...cuz if I say something then they feel like I'm kicking them out...I"m not kicking them out I just don't want everyone under the sun living here....I am happy that my DS has found someone that he is in love with...and they spend every minute together...when they're not working...but I was even happier when my DS & DD got along like brother & sister...but something happened and noone is saying anything...I know my son isn't ready to have his own place right now...he can't pay the bills he has so I know he won't be able to pay rent etc.
As for my DD...I thought at one point in time we were friends...we could talk about anything...and we talked about BC...but she said they only talked about it and they weren't ready...so I told her when she was ready to let me know and we would go to the Dr.s but then I get a call from the school nurse saying that she thinks my DD has a UTI...I have never in my entire life ever had any type of infection anywhere in my body...so explain to me why my DD is having a UTI? This is when I found out that she was having sex with her bf and that they were using protection. But then she tried to blame me by saying that she told me and I was like we talked about this and I said when you were ready let me know...you never let me know...So yeah...at least she's using protection...as for the letter...it was telling me that she was failing a class...but the thing is...I get a call from the teacher anyways letter or not...so I would have found out either way. She has gotten physical with me twice now...the 1st time she went nuts on my head and I had a big lump the size of a golf ball and then this last time she was punching on my head and pushed me and my head went into the door knob and cut open and was bleeding...but she thinks that if we don't talk about it and let it blow over it'll be ok. I've always tried to everything I could for my kids but now I've gotten to the point to where I'm depressed and I don't want them anywhere near me. I just don't have it in me to get them out of my house. My hubby just looks the other way also...then I look like I'm the crazy one.
IMO, some family counseling is in order to deal with the violence in the home.
Keep your head up woman.
Cayenne
Well I did go thru hell with my son. It probably all started when we allowed him to get his permit at 16 then a few months later his license...thats when things started to change...he was getting ticket after ticket...he started skipping school...he eventually quit school in his senior year with only 3 months to go...we told him if he quit he better be getting his GED asap and he better have a full time job or get out of our house. Things didnt get any better...he went thru jobs like underwear...he started drinking very heavily...sometimes he never came home...I gave him a choice...join the service or get out...so he joined the service all on his own and went thru hell...boot camp really kicked his butt...but my father passed away right after he left for boot camp and I couldn't tell him cuz they wouldn't let him come home anyways...and I knew that if I did tell him...he would have gone awol...and I was right...he said he would have...but he got kicked out of his first unit cuz he wasn't trying and then I think my father must have been with him and got him thru the rest of it. He graduated with medals for #1 sharp shooter...noone could touch him...his sgt.s were so proud of him and he was really happy with himself then. So yes...the military did turn him around.
I found out after talking to my daughter last night what happened between her and my sons gf...and I can understand how she feels...she was supposed to keep this between the 2 of them...just girls...but she went and told my son and that hurt my DD alot. So she felt as though she was stabbed in the back and can't trust her...I don't know how to handle this cuz I want them to get along and I want my kids back the way they were before all this mess happened. I did talk to her about the sex thing with her bf and they discussed it before they did it and he's taking her to her Dr. for the shot so I can't really be mad I guess because they're trying to be adult about it. Its just that she's my DD and I wasn't ready for that. She has a good head on her shoulders and knows what she wants to do when she graduates next yr. and that makes me happy but I just can't seem to let her grow up anymore than I want her to...if you can understand that. I did call the cops the 1st time she went nuts on me and they put her in a mental hospital but I couldn't stand that so I got her out. I love my kids more than anything in the world...I loose control of my temper more times than I should so I have to say that I'm probably the blame for most of this...I'm not trying to make excuses for them or this situation but I know I am...
I have to figure out how to tell my son that I like his gf and all...but I can't have her living here...I know that he can't afford his own place though so I'm stuck. Thanks for all the help and suggestions. I still am looking for some more advice.
I'm impressed with your DD's b/f taking her to the dr for the shot - that is a pretty good sense of responsibility there - lots of guys seem to expect the girls to "take care of it" and don't get involved.