Daughter unwilling to communicate
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:57pm |
I am new to this board, but I thought that maybe I can get some insight into my
relationship problem with my nineteen year old daughter. I love my daughter very much,
but for some reason she has grown distant from me over the years and cannot seem to open
up about anything. I have tried to talk to her during her high school years about simple non-personal things such, what her plans are after high school etc.. college, work, whatever, and the only response I get is, "I don't know".
I have always wanted her to grow up happy and enjoy life. I purchased her a car, during high school, inwhich she never showed any appreciation. My wife and I have always supported her school activities, but she has always been unappreciative.
I wanted to pay for her college education, but my stipulation was, that she has to sit
down and talk to me, about the school she plans to attend, her studies etc. Since she has graduated for H/S, she has moved out and and is living with her grandma in another state. She is now supporting herself 100 percent (college tuition, car, insurance) except for room & board provided by grandma.
Two years later (never came home to visit) she sends me an email saying that her new years resolution is to amend our relationship, she said that she's sorry for the way she
treated me during H/S and the past (2) years. She went on to say she does love me
but is afraid to talk to me. I tried to get her to confide in me, as in the past to find out why, she just says that she doesn't know. I don't understand how she planns to amend our relationship when she won't even communicate, verbal or written.
I have been angry and hurt about the way she has treated me. She doesn't seem to care that this has destroyed the good memmories we could have had during her last years as a teenager.
I have resented this terribly and since she refuses to talk, I have asked her not to send me any cards or gifts on special occasions. She has been dating a very nice young man and someday they may get married, What really bothers me is that I will not attend the wedding if she does not open up to me. Since, I have alway been treated like an outsider (last one to find out information about her) I would not feel welcome anyway.
She has always been a good girl, did well in school, no drugs, stayed out of trouble. I just wish that we could resume a normal father/daugher relationship.
SpaceCowboy2007

Pages
<>
Well, I don't understand that either. It sounds like she is a decent girl, and if she says she wants to amend the relationsip, it's probably true. It seems she is confused for whatever reason. If you would pay for her college, how about offering to pay for counseling for her, with or without you. From everything you've described, it seems like you should not just give up on her--19 is still pretty young. What about her mother or grandmother? Can they help you to convince her that professional help might be needed in sorting out her feelings toward you?
(I know my DH was against having DS17 see a psychologist when he was severely depressed, fearing he'd be stigmatized with a mental disorder. But after just two sessions, we could tell it really helped him, and I think he would not be afraid to seek help again if he ever got to feeling that low again.)
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
your post really made me sad.
"I have asked her not to send me any cards or gifts on special occasions. .... What really bothers me is that I will not attend the wedding if she does not open up to me. Since, I have alway been treated like an outsider (last one to find out information about her) I would not feel welcome anyway."
your love for your daughter HAS to be unconditional. if you punish her for withholding love from you, then she will likely do the same in return. i know that you probably gave, and gave and gave and gave....when she was a teen. but now she a grown woman and you have to let that resentment go if you want to have a realtionship with her. dont play the blame game anymore.
and if you miss her wedding day, well, thats a day that you will never get back. even if you are just a fly on the wall you need to be there.
you also said she called you and wants to end the distance between you. to me, that was a step towards you. now you need a take a step, or two or three towards her. YOU are her ONLY dad, and that responsibility doesn't end when she moves out of the house. you will always have a responsibility and a place in her life that no one else can fill.
as far as her being afraid to talk to you, i dont know what to say to that because i dont know why she would be afraid...maybe she has a hard time trusting you because of the emotional distance between you. i think in time, if you show her unconditional love, she will be able to open up to you again.
I have tried to explain to her that this relationship isn't normal, and that see needs
to talk to someone and open up her feelings (either professional or non-professional).
But, I have never mentioned this to her mother or grandmother, undecided whether this
is a good Ideal or not. Having someone suppport me on this makes my decision easier. Yes,
I would certainly pay for the counseling if this would help.
Since I don't have daughters I don't know exactly what, if anything, I can tell you, but, as a parent, I'll try.
The first thing I noticed, and it seems to be a common thread here on this board, is that she never appreciated the things you gave her. This is apparently very common in our teens (as a general rule) and, although they *should* be appreciative, it may be many years (if ever) before they actually voice that appreciation. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm just saying that's just the way it is, sometimes. It's hard as parents to give and give and give and feel like we never get anything back, but that doesn't stop us from loving them and, yes, actually continuing to give. And hoping someday they will come to appreciate all that we have given.
> > I have tried to talk to her during her high school years about simple non-personal things such, what her plans are after high school etc.. college, work, whatever, and the only response I get is, "I don't know". < <
omg, if I had a dime for every time one of my kids said "I don't know", I would be rich! The sad thing is, probably 99% of the time, they really *don't* know. The other 1% that they *do* know, it's not something they want to share with us. :)
I don't know (!!!) why your daughter says she is afraid to talk to you...perhaps she's not truly afraid, but more "unsure" of how to talk to you. Perhaps she feels your questions are too invasive or too personal. I'm not saying they *are*, but maybe *she* thinks they are.
After 2 years of estrangement, she finally sends an email to you wanting to mend your relationship. I think, rather than bombard her with questions as to *why*, I would think perhaps things would be better served by just accepting the relationship as it is right now and go forward from that point.
> > I have asked her not to send me any cards or gifts on special occasions. She has been dating a very nice young man and someday they may get married, What really bothers me is that I will not attend the wedding if she does not open up to me. Since, I have alway been treated like an outsider (last one to find out information about her) I would not feel welcome anyway. < <
I'm sorry, but now you are just feeling sorry for yourself. Believe me, I'm sure we as parents as a whole, have all had our own pity-parties. I know for a fact I have. And that's not all that bad, as long as we have it, get over it, and then get on with life. I'm so sorry you feel so left out of your daughter's life, but by asking her to not send cards or gifts, then you are setting yourself up for more of the same.
I know you are hurt and angry in thinking of all the memories that could've been made that haven't. But, by allowing that anger to be the focus of your relationship with your daughter, *you* are now the one standing in the way of making memories NOW. She has reached out to you, and you should let her come to you at her own pace.
Asking someone what they plan to do with their life is not "simple and non-personal".
Our oldest moved out at 19 after fumbling for what to do with his life. Dh seemed determined to grill him every time he visited until I finally got through to him that he was going to stop visiting if DH didnt find another topic. The kid wouldnt even come without the GF which I assume provided a buffer-heck, at least DH would talk to her which took the focus off 'what are you going to do with your life?"
You have a second chance here-I think-Im assuming this was a New Years resolution for '07??
My advice ......
This isnt a business relationship. Anytime you are talking about doing something for someone (paying for college)only if they do something for you(X amount of conversation or time), you are operating in business mode
Bite your tongue anytime you hear yourself going there
Dont grill her about classes, degrees, grades, finances, future plans-if SHE brings it up, appear mildly interested-period.
If she says she doesnt know, accept that! Gosh, my kids say that all the time; they have hormones flooding every which way, their brain isnt fully developed-they DONT know.
While this isnt a business realtionship, this isnt an equal relationship either. You have the right to be hurt by her actions but, at the same time, you are the fully grown adult here and saying not to bother to send a birthday card is an inappropriate response. You have to be the bigger and better person here IMHO
She sounds lovely-obviously, you did something right! How many parents wish their kids were self supporting and in college to boot! Don't try to dissect the past-just enjoy your dd
Kids do all sorts of wierd, sometimes hurtful things in the course of their teen years, and many times they have no clue why they do them... so asking her to tell you why you're so distant now is probably pointless. She probably doesn't know why either.
My grandma used to have a saying about cutting off your nose to spite your face - and that's what the business about not sending cards or gifts sounds like to me. If she wants to send them, for heaven's sake, let her send them! It might be the only way she knows of to try to mend things.
Rose
In some way, you remind me of my DH. He was very close to his brother, even though they didn't see each other very often, they did talk on the phone. Then a year ago at Christmas, his brother decided to move away to be w/ his GF. I don't know what happened, but he didn't call or write, then their other brother died over the summer and they didn't get together. My DH's reaction was "I'm not going to call him. He can call me." I knew he was hurt and I agree that the brother did some strange things, but I thought it would be better for him to call brother and tell him how he felt, even if they had an argument, just to clear up the misunderstandings. Well, this Christmas, brother decided to get married on Christmas day. They just had a JP and they will have a wedding reception later to invite their friends. I guess his friend told him he better call and tell everyone because we were all going to go to the friend's house for Christmas and he didn't want to be in the position to have to tell everyone. DH's brother did call him on Christmas Eve and he was so happy, then he called again a few weeks later. So even though there was a year of not talking which could have gone on forever, hopefully they can get their relationship back on track. But my DH had this reaction, which I couldn't change and I finally gave up trying to convince him, that he wasn't going to be the one to call.
I wonder-- What does your wife think of all this? Sometimes, a child will just find it easier to talk to one parent than the other. Or you might be oblivious to the way you behaved. Maybe you thought you were a great dad because you bought her a car and she thought you were really a pain in the neck because you were grilling her about her future. (I'm not judging who is right, but a lot of fathers just don't know how to relate to their kids, including my DF and my DH.) About a year ago, DH & his DD (who was then 15) had a really bad time and she lived w/ her grandmother for the summer. He actually complained that she never called him. From the way he treated her, she must have been so relieved to get out of the house and he couldn't see it. There must have been something going on for your DD to want to get out of the house so much that she would reject your offer to pay her college tuition.
I think that right now, you should just accept your DD's offer to try to have a relationship. Maybe you have to start by not talking about anything serious. Maybe you should just go out to eat, go to the movies or a ball game. After she gets more comfortable being w/ you, then maybe she can talk, but if you pressure her, you are never going to have a relationship. I think that you asking her not to send you cards or gifts is very babyish. Even if you have to go to a counsellor by yourself to vent your frustrations and hurt feelings, you have to give up trying to "punish" your DD for not acting the way you want her to if you want to have any chance at all of repairing your relationship.
Hello spacecowboy and Welcome to the board. We need more guys here.
What you’re describing appears to be a somewhat typical “guy” thing, except sadly it has reached critical point.
What you’re describing also seems to have been my experience back when my DD was 13. I remember having dinner with a good friend of mine (and counselor by trade), when the conversation turned to some similar complaints about my DD’s lack of communication and walls she put up. He then asked me some pointed and uncomfortable questions. What I learned from him was extremely valuable to me.
First, your DD doesn’t sound “troubled.” By that I mean issues and events in her life that are beyond normal stress that she cannot handle or articulate. So it’s safe to rule that out as a reason for her non-communication.
He simply asked me, “Do you really ask? Or do you mainly tell?”
Men need to learn how to communicate differently with their daughters than any other species on the planet.
What was painfully revealed to me (yes..I felt slapped around a bit) was that I was not offering a “safe” forum for communication. By that I mean judgment free and opinion free listening. Especially with daughters, men are horrible at it; attorneys are notorious.
Completely *unknown* to me, (and probably consciously *unknown* to my DD) she most likely **perceived** any interest I had in her life as simply a vehicle for me to approve, disapprove, or offer an opinion on what she was doing or thinking.
Everyone can legitimately say, “I don’t know” once in a while, but when kids continually say “I don’t know” it often means “I’m not sure what the appropriate or correct response is here to lead me down the path of least resistance.” Your DD may not be able to realize this on her own.
<<>>
It’s never too late to fix it.
Even though this message may be addressed to 'Daddioe', I would like to thank everyone for their responses. I will try to address some of the questions and issues brought up
in the responses, and hopefully this message will not appear scrambled like the others.
“…you also said she called you and wants to end the distance between you. to me, that was a step towards you. now you need a take a step, or two or three towards her. YOU are her ONLY dad, and that responsibility doesn't end when she moves out of the house.”
She actually emailed me stating that she wanted to amend our relationship, and even
though I may not believe it, she does love me. I immediately emailed her back, in which I
opened up to her about our relationship, and how it has bothered me, and the best way to
improve is to COMMUNICATE...after (3) days of no response, I emailed her back asking for
a response. I am having trouble seeing how she intends to mend our relationship if she
doesn't respond back. I do agree as her Dad, if I am a part of her life or not, that I
will be there in time of need.
“I'm sorry, but now you are just feeling sorry for yourself. Believe me, I'm sure we as parents as a whole, have all had our own pity-parties. I know for a fact I have. And that's not all that bad, as long as we have it, get over it, and then get on with life. I'm so sorry you feel so left out of your daughter's life, but by asking her to not send cards or gifts, then you are setting yourself up for more of the same.”
I agree that this may not have been the right decision, but to always be out of the loop
regarding her life makes me feel as if I have been this horrible person and to receive a
fathers day or birthday card card stating how great a person you are simply doesn't agree
with me, this is too contradictory. However, I did receive a birthday and gift after I
had asked her not to send one. I did send her an email thanking her, still no reply.
"Dont grill her about classes, degrees, grades, finances, future plans-if SHE brings it
up, appear mildly interested-period.If she says she doesnt know, accept that! Gosh, my
kids say that all the time; they have hormones flooding every which way, their brain isnt
fully developed-they DONT know."
Basically, I would only ask her from time-to-time. And by asking her (or trying to start
a conversation) I though this would not be too personal, high school graduation was coming
up and there are things I needed to know. She did know what she wanted in college because
she had told her grandma, which I later found out.
"What does your wife think of all this? Sometimes, a child will just find it easier to
talk to one parent than the other."
She is more open with her mother. Her mother has tried to get her to open up about her
feeling about me but her response is simply she doesn't know.
"But, by allowing that anger to be the focus of your relationship with your daughter, *you* are now the one standing in the way of making memories NOW."
I agree that my anger has been part of the problem, by having her not speak to me makes
me more angry and this compounds the problem. I am also somewhat old fashioned, I do believe that kids should be more responsible for their actions and parents should not have to make excuses for their behavior, typically speaking she's a teenager so you
should expect that. Most teens should know what is right and what is wrong.Also, I do have (2) other teenagers whom I get along fine with.
Anyway, I will continue to try talk to her and hold back any resentment that I may be
harbouring.
Thanks\\
SpaceCowboy2007
Space Cowboy...this is very long, and i hope you read to the end, as there's a story at the beginning and the end.
OK - a couple of things...
I had a very difficult relationship with my father. He was distant, and cold, and I always felt like an intrusion in his life. When my DS 18 was a year old, I sent him a letter (10 pages long) detailing everything I felt inside...and how I WANTED a father/daughter relationship, but he wouldn't give me one.
I got no response to that letter...but when I went to my dad's house to say goodbye (he moved from NJ to Nevada in 1990), I saw the letter, folded up, on his desk. He read it...but didn't have the words or ability to answer it.
The result? I accepted my father's abilities for what they were - stopped expecting the "ideal" father/daughter relationship - didn't expect him to be the loving, doting father my friends had. I just ACCEPTED it for what it was - and loved my father.
We get along better now than we ever did. We're NEVER going to have the "lovey/dovey" relationship - but I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, and it is what it is. NOt all parent/child relationships are what we perceive as "ideal."
Your daughter sounds like an upstanding young lady. Paying her way (except for room and board) is commendable. You say she opens up to her mother...so she doesn't sound particularly disturbed. There is something in the way of your relationship, and you may never know what it is, but in time, it may work itself out.
One thing I noticed - she sent the email saying she wanted to amend the relationship - you responded immediately with all your feelings and emotions - which may very well have overwhelmed her. Things don't change overnight, and the fact that she attempted says she's starting to work through her emotions.
It sounds like you have the classic "pursuer/distancer" relationship - you go after her, she backs away - you back away, and she comes to you.
My advice? She's sending gifts to you. She's communicating somewhat with you. She's paying for her own college education and supporting herself. Unless something disastrous happened to her when she was a child, she probably just has to grow up - so give her time and let her. You may never have the relationshiop you envision, but eventually, things may get better.
As to not going to her wedding - that's your choice - it will also be your loss. My ex has the same attitude with my DS (for much the same reason - they barely speak at all anymore) and has missed countless performances (my son is an actor) because "he won't talk to me" or "he won't communicate with me" or "If he's not going to contact me, I'm not going to his show." Believe me, when push comes to shove, considering the difference in age, my ex's regret over missing some of the most incredible performances of my son's life will FAR exceed my son's regret over Dad not being there. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as another poster stated...your regret over not attending your daughter's postential wedding will be much worse than her sorrow over you not attending - and you can't get it back.
Pages