Daughter unwilling to communicate
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| Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:57pm |
I am new to this board, but I thought that maybe I can get some insight into my
relationship problem with my nineteen year old daughter. I love my daughter very much,
but for some reason she has grown distant from me over the years and cannot seem to open
up about anything. I have tried to talk to her during her high school years about simple non-personal things such, what her plans are after high school etc.. college, work, whatever, and the only response I get is, "I don't know".
I have always wanted her to grow up happy and enjoy life. I purchased her a car, during high school, inwhich she never showed any appreciation. My wife and I have always supported her school activities, but she has always been unappreciative.
I wanted to pay for her college education, but my stipulation was, that she has to sit
down and talk to me, about the school she plans to attend, her studies etc. Since she has graduated for H/S, she has moved out and and is living with her grandma in another state. She is now supporting herself 100 percent (college tuition, car, insurance) except for room & board provided by grandma.
Two years later (never came home to visit) she sends me an email saying that her new years resolution is to amend our relationship, she said that she's sorry for the way she
treated me during H/S and the past (2) years. She went on to say she does love me
but is afraid to talk to me. I tried to get her to confide in me, as in the past to find out why, she just says that she doesn't know. I don't understand how she planns to amend our relationship when she won't even communicate, verbal or written.
I have been angry and hurt about the way she has treated me. She doesn't seem to care that this has destroyed the good memmories we could have had during her last years as a teenager.
I have resented this terribly and since she refuses to talk, I have asked her not to send me any cards or gifts on special occasions. She has been dating a very nice young man and someday they may get married, What really bothers me is that I will not attend the wedding if she does not open up to me. Since, I have alway been treated like an outsider (last one to find out information about her) I would not feel welcome anyway.
She has always been a good girl, did well in school, no drugs, stayed out of trouble. I just wish that we could resume a normal father/daugher relationship.
SpaceCowboy2007

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After reading all the other replies,and re-reading your initial post, I have to agree with others that your somewhat babyish attitude do(e.g. won't go to wedding, always felt like an outsider anyway)doesn't help any. Maybe individual counseling would help you, too, so that you could better relate to DD.
I have to disagree with the others who say that this is normal teen behavior. To send cards/gifts when you will not communicate with someone? Surely doe not sound normal to me. And to tell someone you want to make amends, and then refuse to communicate is NOT normal. Maybe it would be hard face-to-face, but she won't email, or send letters, or call on the phone? That is not normal, and I still believe she would benefit from counseling.
Regardless of how the communication goes between now and her wedding, if your DD wants you at her wedding, you better go. For our children's emotional health, that's as much a parental responsibility as providing for them when they're under 18 is for kids' physical well-being. Why would you want to aggravate her problem if you love her? Forget about what others at the wedding will think--you will be there FOR HER! And it may just be the thing that will make her finally open up to you.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
<feeling about me but her response is simply she doesn't know.>>
More than anything else you've said, this statement rings a bell for me. A lot of kids are much closer to one parent than the other, to the point of almost excluding one from their lives. DH is much, much closer to J and Z (DSs 22 and 19) than I am, and always knows pretty much what's going on with them, even though I often feel pretty in the dark where they're concerned. I, however, am much closer to DS 22 S and DD 15 N than DH is, and they rarely talk to him about anything of significance. We've pretty much accepted that's the way it is in our household, and DH and I keep each other updated on the kids we aren't as close to. The kids know we do it, and it works for us. I know J and Z love me, and we have a decent relationship - but they simply have a lot more in common with DH than they have with me.
Rose
I'm chiming in a little bit late here with my response and didn't read all the other posts all the way through, so if I repeat something that has already been said, please accept my apologies.
It is clear that you are hurt by your DD's behavior towards you and that is certainly understandable. If one of my kids moved out and didn't communicate anything at all to me over the course of two years, I'd be crushed too.
That said however, reading your post it seems that you want your relationship with your DD to be on YOUR terms, and your terms alone. It also seems that your love for her is NOT unconditional (which imo, as a parent it should be) but rather comes with conditions and with strings attached.
Did the car you purchased for her come with the same conditions? And strings? If so, I can easily see how and why your DD would want to distance herself from you. It could also be why she has refused any monetary support from you. If, in talking to you about her plans, her life, her goals, she feels as though she may be judged or criticized or 'told' what YOU feel should be her plans, her life and her goals, she will be very hesitant to discuss these things with you -- especially if she feels your 'support' will come with even more conditions and even more strings attached.
Her e-mail to you, cards and gifts are her way of extending an olive branch ... and you have basically refused it by saying you will only accept it on YOUR conditions -- that she confide in you and quite frankly, no one can be forced to confide anything at all.
Imo, have just destroyed a real chance of mending your relationship.
If I were you, I would waste no time in contacting your DD and apologizing for your most recent behavior, tell her you love her unconditionally (but you must be sincere about it!) want to put the past behind you and move forward.
Forget about what 'could have been' -- don't waste any more time or energy being bitter or angry about things you can't change. Instead, put that energy to better use going forward.
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