Daughter WANTS my advice..,...help!!!
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| Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:53pm |
so, I am trying to let her make more choices for herself, but trying to guide her, but I just don't know what to tell her on this one. Quick synopsis (oh and she is 15 1/2, the boy is 17 1/2):
Went out with this boy for a week, he told her he still had feelings for his old girlfriend so they broke up. Fast forward two months, never did get back with the old girlfriend (she was playing games with him the entire time...enticing him then saying forget it) and then my daughter started going out with him again. It moved really fast...he gave her his ring, and they were together 6 days out of 9...then she caught him at the movies with the "other" girl who apparently was trying to get him back the entire time he was with my daughter. He told my daughter he succumbed to the temptation of getting in the other girl's pants, as this was promised to him by the other girl..and of from what my daughter said, he had only just attempted "second base" over her shirt, so they hadn't gotten to that point.
So everyone has been really mad at him, and snubbing him...and we pretty much told him to stay away because we don't want him hurting her again. Well, he stayed away for about a day, and has been bugging her ever since. He keeps apologizing, telling her she is all he thinks about, that he thinks he loves her, that she is the most wonderful girl in the world, etc...he told her he'd park in front of our house, blast romantic music and stand on the hood of his car and shout to the world that he loves "A" if that would get her to take him back. He also told her that his parents were really mad at him because they like my daughter and did not like this other girl. They told him that while he was with my daughter, he was a much better person...like their son was back. The father now has the class ring and has not returned it to the boy. She admittedly, is confused. She was spittin' mad at him, but she was falling head over heels for this kid, and still has feelings. She feels like if she takes him back, she'd be totally stupid...at least in other people's eyes. She is afraid my husband won't let her go out with him, and she is afraid her friends will be mad at her. BUT, she does want to be with him. She has forgiven him, and wants things to go back the way they were. She has had chances to go out with two other guys and has said no.
She asked me what to do, and I told her I honestly don't know. I don't feel like I can help her much with this one. The mom in me wants to say no...run for the hills!!! The friend in me wants to tell her there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and to just give it some time...the realist in me knows if she wants to be with him, and we deny her that, she may start sneaking around and doing things we don't prefer.
I know most of you aren't at this point, but I just don't know where else to turn. I cannot talk to my husband, he pretty much hates this kid right now.

I'd have to give her the advice I was given when I was with a guy (granted, I was 28!) who 'cheated' on me after we'd talked details of marriage - tell him to come back in a month and say that, and then maybe, just maybe I'd believe it. (by then I'd moved on so it was too late; you can hope the same happens...)
Sue
They 'went out' for a week and then he blew her off for the other girl?
I *really* like Sue's suggestion on giving it a month.
I would also like to add that you might remind your dd that a line has been crossed, and things will *never* be like they were before. That's doesn't mean she hasn't forgiven him nor does it mean he hasn't straightened up, but it will never be like it was. If it could be, then she wouldn't be worried that people will think she's stupid, or worry that her friends will be mad at her. She's probably right in that dad may not let her go out with him for a little bit, but it crushed him to see her hurt and he doesn't want to see it again.
After a month has passed, and she still wants to try going out with him again and he still wants to go out with her, then you, dh and she can all sit down and discuss it.
Couldn't agree more with our CL's post.
"he succumbed to the temptation of getting in the other girl's pants, as this was promised to him by the other girl"
I have begun the work of explaining to my own DD that at that age, getting to bases is mainly what the boys want. They aren't looking for her idea of romantic love, they aren't really seeking the mate they will grow old with (no matter what their mouths may say, LOL). And for them, love IS getting to touch a restricted body part. He has proved this SO clearly, it can serve as a perfect example for your DD.
You cannot save her from making the mistake of becoming deeply attached to these not-yet-men. But you can keep telling her that it IS a mistake. That her feelings are powerful, but that they will lead her astray and can even destroy her life. Just like you don't give a toddler cookies for breakfast (even though they may cry for an hour and bang their head), IMO you don't want a 15 1i/2 yo girl doing one-on-one dating with boys if there is any way that you can help it. And I think that many of us CAN help it. IMO, she should stick to big group activities for many years yet. If her goal is college, she is already putting that goal in big big jeopardy, IMO.
Don't worry about the boy, his Dad's needs, etcetera. Don't feel bad for them, you know that your DD is the most important thing (for you). Telling her to wait a month is a good way to go. And it would also be good to insist that if she does want to see him after that, it should only be in group activities. They can go to the movies IF they take half a dozen other teens along with them.
Unfortunately, your dd is the one that needs to make that decision. DD went through a similar thing, the difference being they had been dating 8 or 9 mths when his "infidelity" occured. His infidelity included holding hands and kissing the other girl on the cheek - plus keeping it from her for days until she came across some messages on his myspace. DD had done basically the same to him about 2 mths prior, but fessed up immediately.
Same scenario that his family turned on him and told him he was an idiot. All of his friends told him he was an idiot and turned on him big time. It was quite ugly around here for a few days. She asked my advice and I told her the same thing - give it some space and if it's still love a month from now, see where it goes. She was worried too that everyone would think she was an idiot for taking him back and be mad at her. His best friend and dd's best friend are dating and they decided to get them together at the movies. DD agreed but only as "friends" - she had all intentions of keeping the space for awhile - didn't happen. They got back together that night on day 3.
I really thought they would be "done for" after that, but some how it worked out. Will it happen again, probably... she swears if it does, she's done. :-/ Did people think she was stupid for taking him back? Some did... Were her friends mad at her? Some of her friends have been distant since this happened, I can only guess it was due to this...
All in all, it's her decision - waiting and see what happens rather than jumping back in head first is always good advice....
Sorry, as the mom of a very sensitive ds and also having dated a few guys back in HS that were NOT into getting to bases, I don't agree with your generalization.
Sue
that said, the boy told her earlier that he thinks it is best if they just talk and stuff for a while, but not start going back out, because he needs to give this all some time to blow over. it sounds almost like that came from his mom, if so...wise lady. I am hoping she'll get over him in the meantime, but he says all the "right" things to her, so I doubt it.
How lucky for you that she's asking your opinion.
You're right, but she is only asking for your opinion.
"I have begun the work of explaining to my own DD that at that age, getting to bases is mainly what the boys want. They aren't looking for her idea of romantic love,"
OH my Gosh, I swear If I hear this one more time I will throw up!!!!!!! It is not only an insult to ALL THE GOOD BOYS out their, but the parents who are trying to raise them up as good men!!!
My DS is loyal, true and wants a girlfriend who he can LOVE AND CHERISH He is one of those 16 yr old boys you are warning your daughter against!!!!!
Parents of girls would not appreciate it if we were constantly saying that girls at this age are only trying to tease you do death, lead you on, get YOU to have sex and then blame it on the boys! (Now, I've seen my fair share of girls like this, but I don't tell my DS that all girls are like this)
Julie, (who wishes the generalized BOY BASHING would stop)
Edited 6/7/2007 6:23 pm ET by jbgattuso
I have to agree Julie - generalized boy bashing grates on me in a huge way.