Daughter's apathetic life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Daughter's apathetic life
17
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:57am

Our 17yo jr has decided that she doesn't care about anything at all. She still will go out with her friends, but doesn't care if she's grounded. She'd like to grad from the prep HS that she's attended for nearly 3 yrs now and go on to college, but she's not willing to put any work into any real college prep. She's missed several assignments and some classes her grades are dipping. She's had one real close best friend for nearly 2 years, but recently had a falling out because of the other girl's sneaking around, lying to parents, etc and started hanging out more with another group that she occasionally went out with. These problems predate the change of friends. I very strongly doubt drugs or even drinking. She may have had a tried drinking at one of 2 sleepovers, but never coming home. She always has and still does sit down on the couch with me when she comes in and talks, never hids or runs off when she gets in. Her relationship with her mother (my wife) isn't good. They are like cats and dogs, neither realizes that they are nearly identical in so many ways. Our relationship is very good. We talk about most subjects with ease, even having a lot of the same interests in music & sports. Our most difficult conversations are about guys and sex, but we are able to talk about it.
She told me that she really doesn't care about anything. Not her friends, school work, college, her family (including her littlest brother who's only 4 and she seems to usually adore, and also me- the person who usually helps her negotiate her mother and we get alone so well). She didn't turn in an assignment this week so my wife grounded her this weekend. Her reply was to make it 2 weekends, who cares.
Somebody help! does she need profressional help? do I need profressional help? It kills me that this (seemingly) smart, beautiful young lady (that I adore) doesn't care about herself or anything around her.

Obviously this troubles me or I wouldn't be awake posting at 4 am.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:21pm

Well, Joe, depression looks different in different people. Some people are your standard "crying all the time" depressed, some are very angry at the world and themselves, some "just don't care about anything anymore," while others start engaging in dangerous behaviors. Just this morning in our team meeting at work, we were talking about one of our clients who's had a major personality change in the past month or so, and we've decided our social worker is going to talk to her about being evaluated. That woman doesn't present as depressed in the typical sense either, but considering all the things that have been going on in her life in the past 3 or 4 months, it is a strong possibility that that is what's going on.

Good luck with your DD, I hope things turn around soon for her.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:33pm

It does sound like she's plenty busy and that a part-time job might be overloading her.

Sounds like you're very positive, and your wife has very high expectations, like me. It's a good thing you can counteract the effects your wife might have on your DD. I have to work hard to find positive things to say to DS every day, but I make sure I do that.

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That was not easy for me either, especially since DH did not support me on going for counseling, cuz he was afraid of the stigma. I just told DH that if DS spirals downward without counseling, that DH would lose both DS and me. DS did not want to go for counseling. Even though no one in our family had ever needed couseling before, I wanted DS to know that it's okay to seek that sort of help when we feel down, especially cuz he'll be on his own in college in fall. I told him this: "Look, you're not acting normal. You can't focus to study. You won't call any friends. You don't want to do stuff with your friends when they call you. You're just moping around way too much. You know something is bothering you pretty bad. If you won't talk to me or your dad, and you won't talk to gf about it, you have to talk to someone. You cannot hold everything inside." He finally agreed and then when the day came, he started up with, "I don't know why I've got to go. This is SO dumb!" But he went, and agreed to see the therapist a second time. After those two sessions, the therapist met with DH and me, and gave us advice. He never suggested that DS see a psych for meds. I know DS did not open up totally during his sessions, but he did enough to benefit from the counseling. My boss recommended the therapist whom DS saw. If you don't know of of one who can get teens to open up, you might try asking a school counselor for a recommendation. You could make an anonymous inquiry at a larger school if you don't want to contact the couselor at DD's school. Good luck.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:41pm
Well after school today I managed some one on one time in the truck with DD. I tried to talk to her about family counseling. Although she thinks she has a problem, she doesn't think she needs to see a therapist, and says it would never work anyway because her mother will not treat her as a person.
Looks like I really need to get DW on the same page as me with this whole thing, which will be a lot harder than it seems. My thought is this-- show my wife these postings. As (mostly) women, do you think it would be an insult that I was talking family problems behind her back, or do you think I will live to see tomorrow? lol.
I'm to the point where I am concerned for DD's long term emotional health, and how that will transfer into her life and future success or failure. Since she is a junior there is still nearly 1 year to pull things together. I also point blank asked her if she wanted to take a year off, or 6 months off. Just worry about finishing school now, college at some later date. I think her heart is telling her that's the answer, but her head is still saying she HAS to go to college. I told her to think about it, and we'll talk at a later time/date. I also stressed to her the while I think she should go to college, I will love her no matter what happens, and she doesn't need to become my perfect little cookie cutter daughter. I need to be able to trust that she will make the best decisions for HER life, not the decisions I think she SHOULD make. I think she understood my point, and hope she actually thinks about this hard.
Thanks for the help. I'll try to update as I can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 6:50pm

I think you took a great approach Joe, and if it gets your DD thinking, that's a good thing. Just letting her know you're worried about her may help her see that something isn't right.

As far as talking to DW... without knowing her, it's hard telling. I know my DH talks about our personal problems with his boss who is also a very good friend of his, and it doesn't bother me. But I know not all women feel that way. Is your DW a super high achiever? That might be why she's expecting so much of the kids - if my kid got a 91 on ANY math test I'd be thrilled. Or could she be projecting her expectations for herself onto DD? For example, I always wished I'd gotten an MBA, I'm going to make sure DD gets one. Just a thought... I'm glad you're able to accept your kids' best effort as good enough, that feeling of never being able to live up to standards is a tough one to shake even as an adult. And can color one's perception of parents even after becoming a successful adult.

My mother had this wonderful vision for me, I was going to finish high school, get married, have half a dozen kids, and be a good stay at home mom, preferrably farm wife. No emphasis at all was placed on my grades in college prep classes, she was always worried about how I did in home ec. I know how to cook and bake just about anything from scratch, sew my own clothes, raise a productive garden, and can and freeze anything that I grow. I can butcher chickens and ducks with the best of them, and even milk cows. But it wasn't what I wanted for my life. When I decided to go to college, she was less than supportive to say the least, she let me know that wasn't what I was "supposed" to do. Got my degree with honors, got a good paying job that I love, eventually married and DH and I have 4 kids. Still not meeting mom's expectations for me, even though I'm very happy with my life, and since she'll never be happy with anything I do, I pretty much avoid her. It's probably not the best way to cope, but I can't stand the way I end up feeling inadequate every time I spend more than 15 minutes with her. I hope your DW's expectations doesn't have a similar effect on your DD, for both their sakes.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:27pm

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I think that's enough to say counseling could help DD/family. What about a minister/priest if she's reluctant to see a psych?

When my DS17 filled out the questionnaire at the psych's office, the only box he eagerly checked to describe his feelings was "nobody understands me". Maybe if he'd talk more people would understand him better. DH always says he's just like my dad, holding everything inside. And I think that's true--it's 90% genes. DS23, with DH's talkativeness genes, was a whole lot more vocal at this age, and was a totally different teen. No better or worse, just different. I use the gene excuse to convince DS that he's not to blame for his quiet personality, but still let him know he can change to a certain extent if he tries. Although he was always on the shy side, he was so happy-go-lucky until age 12, or so, and then things gradually changed so that it wasn't apparent year-to-year. It's really sad to now look back and see the drastic difference between age 10 and 17. DS23 never had a noticeable change like that. I can't identify anything in our family life that would have caused the change, and I just think it must have been the social adjustments in middle and high school that closed him up.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:41pm
I do consider my DD very moral, and typically compassionate towards others, but unfortunately I struggle getting my 3 older kids to be involved with the church. Our long time pastor resigned with less then good circumstances involving possibly inappropriate behavior towards kids. None of my kids were ever in a situation that could have exposed them, but the neighborhood rumor mills have most likely tainted them. So to make a long story short, the very business like pastor in place now is not too approachable. I actually prefer to go to the next parish over for most masses, etc.
Anyway... I think it's going to need to be a profressional.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:08pm
My wife is basically a very motivated person. She had little praise from her parents, they didn't attend her HS grad, or grad's for the 2 associate's she holds. They did finally come to her BSN grad, and now her mother has passed but her father attended her Master's grad last year.
She is the perfect example of a driven person. She sees what she wants and usually goes out to get it.
I am nearly the opposite, very laid back. Had all the best oppurtunities to achieve, from prep school, paid college, etc. I blew it all basically. Put myself through a few years at Penn State after dropping out of Drexel U. So I can really see my DD hurting herself, but I also realize that we'll/she'll only be wasting time and money if her heart isn't in to college. My wife can't understand this at all.
I had hoped that we were going through this mother/daughter rough spot that happens to a lot of women. Usually during the 20's they seem to come back together. Reading what you've written could mean that this is basically it for me and DD since my DW may very well drive her away. I hope this doesn't happen to us. Obviously with 5 boys and only 1 girl she holds a special place in my heart. She's going on a few trips this summer and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without my little girl for so long.

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