Daughters difficult decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Daughters difficult decision
2
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 4:49pm

A little background first... My x and i split up when my daughter was 1. i was a single mother for many years with my daughter going to her dads every weekend to every other weekend (his choice), My daughter is now 15 and i have been with her stepdad for 4 years now ( they are very close and my daghter will admit shes closer to step dad than real dad),

The reason i left my X was he was very controlling and physically and menatlly abusive. He ahs since remarried and his wife has been going thru the same controlling and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2012
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 6:19pm
Hi there,

I want to applaud you for having found the courage to leave your ex when you did and for the supportive environment you have created for your daughter. This is a critical point for your daughter to learn to set her boundaries and it is not healthy for her to be around her father, especially because of his unpredictable temper. I think the letter is a great way for her to communicate to him what her boundaries are and how his actions have impacted her. The most important thing when she is composing this letter, is definitely expressing her love for her father, but that she states just the facts of what happened and where she has to set her boundaries and not go on and on about blaming and making him wrong. If there is too much blame and make wrong, he will trigger even worse. Your ex is going to interpret the letter however he will and as you guessed will most likely attack you and maybe even your daughter. But it's important that she set her boundaries and she watches you as a role model to set yours too with him if you do come under fire. You are empowering your daughter with setting boundaries and this is something she will carry with her the rest of her life and into future relationships.

Wishing you two all the best!

- Stephanie
Academic Life Coach
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 7:43pm

I am a divorce lawyer--the laws vary in different states so I think you should consult a lawyer and see if she has the legal right to decide not to visit her dad before she sends this letter.