daughter's friend has a lazy parent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
daughter's friend has a lazy parent!
6
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:12am
My oldest daughter's best friend has a lazy parent. She is a single mom around 50 years old, but is very youthful in spirit. She's a wonderful woman, but she won't take her kid anywhere with her friends. She has no problem letting her daughter go anywhere else, she is very reasonable with curfews, and will give gas money to her other friends who come to pick her up. It's great to carpool sometimes, but she doesn't exactly live close to anyone and the parents I've spoken to are getting tired of going to pick her up and drop her off every time. According to the daughter her mother feels that if her friends want to see her so badly they can drive her. Humph! I feel bad for this girl. She's very sweet and an extremely loyal friend to my daughter. What can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:21am

You might try inviting this mom and DDd for a little mother trip to the mall or lunch. Get to know her. She might not be 'lazy' - she might be depressed or exhausted. Being a married mom to a teen is rough enough but being a single one is rougher - she's it. She's got it all to do. I know many of you are single moms and I applaud you all - the very thought of that scares me to death. Or maybe this woman has some medical issues that leave her exhausted. I have a very underactive thyroid and even though I take medication I still get real tired. Play a role model for her - show her how to parent. By having some mom and dd time, you might show her what a wonderful child her DD is. Also while you are with her, talk about how valuable car time is to you and your DD - that's truly when the best talks occur.

But then, of course, she may just truly be lazy and there's not much you can do about that. In that case, just befriend the child as much as possible. This girl will need an active role model in her live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:13am

Oh, there could be so many things going on here

Perhaps she is embarassed about her car? I am not the neatest person in the world and my van when the kids were younger tended to be pretty messy. I was twice told by some little darlings how their mother would never tolerate such a mess. I dont blame the kids-they were pretty young-but it disturbed me(not enough to keep the van spotless ;))

She may also feel she doesnt fit in with the adults in this group and prefer to avoid the discomfort. Maybe she's self concious about being single or what Im guessing is an age difference(Im 51; we came to parenthood late so I have been down THAT path as well)

I think :

1-as the other poster suggested, work a little harder to get to know her

2-let it go. Good friends are hard to come by and I think giving gas money says she isnt conciously using anyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:32am

As the parent with a child who lives waaaay out here, an hour+ away from most friends, I do a heck of a lot of driving my DD to her friends houses. Yeah, it would be nice for them to come get her, but so far, no one has offered so I do the driving.

To the other moms' credit, giving gas money is a very generous gesture. At least she is aware of the fact her DD's friends drivers' are going out of the way for her. My DD used to hang around with a group of 4-5 girls and there was one mom who never, ever drove the girls anywhere. If they wanted to see a movie, go the mall, beach, whatever, that mom never offered to drive. Come to think of it though, her DD never initiated anything, she let everyone else make plans for all of them. It could have been because she knew her mother wouldn't be willing to drive her and her friends around. Who knows?

Some parents just don't want to be bothered. My DD also had a friend with a mother like that in grade school. DD would call and ask her over and the mom would flat-out say no, because she didn't want to drive or go out of her way -- all of 20 minutes. I was the one who did the dropping off and picking up.

Anyway, the next time this friend is involved in an activity, do you think you could ask the mom to meet you at a 1/2 point for pick-up and drop-off? You could use a cell phone to call and say you were 15 minutes away from pick-up point, etc. This is actually something I'm thinking about with my own DD and her friends from school.

Hope this helps,
Julie




Edited 7/19/2006 11:34 am ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:00pm
BTDT. One of DD's best friends never had a ride either. I always picked up and dropped off. My DD told me that the mom didn't do anything but sit on the couch and watch tv but there are some good posts here and I now wonder whether maybe I treated the mom unfairly by never trying to discover a possible reason why she was always on the couch. Maybe she did have health issues. But since this was and still is DD's best friend I just accepted the situation and picked her up whenever she needed a ride and she calls me "Mom" to this day so it was all worth it. Now that they are older and starting to drive themselves I hardly ever do the driving anymore and I actually miss it. There really are great quality discussions in the car. As to the half way point - it's a good idea and might work well for you but I did that once with a parent of another one of DD's friends. I ended up waiting in a commuter lot for 20 minutes for the other mom and I got more aggrivation out of it then anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:34pm
Well, at least she's offering up gas money. My 13 year old has a friend whose mom has MS and can't drivea and the father works out of town a lot. Given their circumstances I truly dont mind taking this girl everywhere HOWEVER not once has the mom or dad offered gas money OR phoned to thank me. This truly makes me mad but I really like the girl and so does my daughter so I hate to penalize her for her rude parents. Unfortunately there is always one in every crowd. I just take pride in the fact that this girl "loves me to death", is very appreciative and is always commenting to my daughter and her other friends about how nice I am and how lucky my daughter is to have a mom like me. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 4:38pm
Before my DD was old enough to drive, if there was a group going to the mall or the movies (usually it was more than 1 other kid), if my DD asked me to drive, I usually would tell her, I'll drive one way if you can get someone else to drive the other way. That usually worked. I guess you have gotten into this routine that will be hard to break. Is there any way you could casually ask (or have your DD ask her friend) if her friend's mother can't drive or maybe she just doesn't like to drive, can't see at night, etc. Otherwise, I guess you'll just have to accept it and at least she pays for gas, so she's not totally ignorant. Since she does contribute, I'll bet there's some other reason that she doesn't like to drive, but she just doesn't want to admit it.