Daughter's girlfriend issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Daughter's girlfriend issues
8
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 7:45pm

Hi,

I have a question for any of you who have daughters. My daughter is 17, a senior in high school. She has a boyfriend, and up until recently a group of really nice girlfriends. She still has some friends, but her best friend over the holidays seems to have deserted her. The friend is also friends (of course) with other girls, and has become very close to another girl in particular. Neither of those girls have boyfriends. The problem is that my daughter has pretty much been abandoned. The other girls don't call anymore, and my daughter is very hurt, confused and angry. Now I'll be the first to say that my daughter is NOT perfect. She can be impatient, outspoken with others. But she has been very good friends with this one girl in particular for years, and all of a sudden....poof! The friendship seems to have gone away. My daughter is left with very few girlfriends to hang out with. She gets along very well with her boyfriend, but she wants girlfriends too. Have any of you dealt with your daughters having things like this happen to them? I was candid with my daughter, and I asked her, "Did you do something or say something to offend them?" She truly cannot think of anything that she has done. I feel really bad for her. She is in her senior year, and was having a wonderful year up until the holidays. Now she isn't invited to spend the night, or just to hang out. What can I do? I'm sort of at a loss here.

Any help, advice, feedback is welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:13pm
I only have boys and fortunately the high school 'drama' isn't quite as bad as if I had a dd.
Pam
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Registered: 12-14-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:33pm

My DD15 is only a sophomore, but this year the drama between her 4 bffs has been very high! One girl, A, has decided she's doesn't like another (K). No particular reason other than at some point last year, when A had a secret crush, K was better friends with the boy than A wanted her to be (???), and now A says K is "obnoxious and bossy" and won't hang with her. This year, A has tried to get my DD and the rest to leave K out, and it's created alot of tension. I think, so far, my DD and the others have refused to be pulled apart, but it's not easy. A has already made it clear that K isn't invited to her 16th birthday party - which means she'll be left out. DD feels awful, and powerless. They keep trying to get A to drop the feud, but so far no progress.

Is there one girl in this group that your DD can talk to and say "what's up?" In my DD's group there are 2 (with my DD being one of them) who are the least drama-prone, and can talk to both parties. Maybe there's a way for your DD to pull a couple of the girls closer.

Sorry your DD is going through this - the HS drama is not fun - and a great reason why few adult women would wish to be 15 or 17 again!

Sue

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Registered: 01-29-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 10:36pm

Thank you to both of you for your thoughtful replies. I have an older son, and you are so right...boys' drama is not quite as pronounced. My daughter and her boyfriend like to hang out with lots of other people....for quite a long time there was quite a group of them that would do things together. My daughter's friend (the one who seems to have deserted her) was one of that group, and they all got along really well. Even though the friend broke it off with her boyfriend, my DD and this girl have continued to be friends. DD has always made it clear that she wants their friendship and really has not (or has tried hard not to)made them feel like they were second best. Her boyfriend likes to hang out with his guy friends too, so there are times when they have both done that instead of being together. I imagine that the boyfriend issue is a big part of this split between the girls, but it seems a shame because DD really liked these girls and from my point of view always tried to stay in close touch with them.

Anyway, thanks for your feedback. It's nice to have someone to pose these questions to.

Nancy

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:18pm

This is exactly what I was going to say Pam, as I am going through this with dd. I'm constantly trying to get dd to make plans with friends rather than be so wrapped up with bf. Of course with cheering, school, and physical therapy - she has very limited spare time to work with. Some of her friends have tried to make plans with her, and of course any free time she has is committed to the bf. I've heard them say "You're always with him K, we never see you anymore." Bf is going through this too and even mentioned to her that he wants to spend time w/ friends, to which she said, "go ahead, so am I." How have they been spending all their free-time this weekend - together...ughhhh!!

I'm heart-broken reading through her myspace and everyone making their comments "we never talk anymore", "I never see you", "I miss you", etc etc all from her friends that she keeps blowing off....I keep talking to her about this - how it will be easier for him if/when they break-up as guys are much more forgiving (plus the fact he's lived here all of his life) - it will be harder for her, as girls hold grudges.




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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 7:25am
I've seen this happen to both my DD and my DIL - once a b/f comes into the picture, the g/fs pretty much fade into the background. I have to wonder if the assumption is that DD will be hanging out with b/f most of the time, so they don't even try to include her in the things they plan. I think that's some of what happened with both my DD and DIL. Has DD ever tried calling her friend and saying "hey, do you want to ____________ today, just the girls?" I think girls with b/fs have to work a little harder on maintaining friendships with their g/f, especially if they have an "attached at the hip" relationship with b/f.
Rose
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Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 10:02am

My experience is that we parents really know very little of the full truth. We may think we know it all but browse a few sites like myspace or facebook or other social networking sites and look up kids you know in your area -- even family kids like nephews, nieces, etc -- and you'd be shocked.

You'd be shocked by how much drama there really is out there, how much bullying, and how much goes on in our kids' lives of which we have no idea. Think back to your own teenage years and how much your parents had no clue. You are no different than them despite what you may believe. Our parents thought they had great open relationships with us too...

I'd say there's probably more to this than your dd is telling you both positive and negative and that there are alot of aspects to this story on all sides. My advice is to let her be and let her work through it. She has a boyfriend and certainly he will be a good support. Sooner or later one of the former gang will make overtures and peace will be made esp if they were close for so long. Or maybe not. And if not, she is in her senior year anyway and chances are that most of them would not be in contact after high school.

If your daughter is a strong confident person (and all indications from your posts are that she is) and she has a supportive family she'll figure out her way through this on her own. And she should anyway as she is almost an adult and will not always have mom around to help her out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 5:42pm
I have 2 DD's, both teens...both have had their share of issues with friendships. In almost all cases the bottom line is COMMUNICATION. It seems that when their are problems that no one talks about them, they just hope they go away. I have tried to brainwash my daughters about the importance of just talking it out with their friends. It's the same as we adults, lots of times we just don't want to confront. When done in a kind,loving manner, it only helps them grow and become mature pre-adults. I say, STRONGLY encourage your DD to talk to her best friend, it's not the easiest thing to do, but it will serve her very well if she learns that talking through problems is really the best way to solve them...confrontation does NOT have to be a negative thing, and have her remember what they have in common is probably much more than their differences. GOOD LUCK, and I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:36pm

Dear Diamondslb,

Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Here it is May, almost June....and I'm still stressing about all of this. :(

One thing I will say about my daughter is that she is very outspoken. To some extent this is good, but I feel fairly certain that along the way she has been too free with her comments about others, and unwittingly has offended any number of friends. This may be why they are not in the picture now. Of course I realize that same issue is probably true for many teen girls. Diplomacy isn't something that most teens have. I do suspect that there is MUCH more to all of this than I know.

Another little wrinkle in this whole thing is that dd bf is an easy going, good looking friendly guy and he has no problems talking to her friends. Maybe too easy at times. That, in turn, upsets her too. So it's a complex issue.