daughter's younger boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
daughter's younger boyfriend
6
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 1:14pm

Hi, I know I don't post very often but I do lurk from time to time and was wondering what you all thought about this situation?

My Dd has just turned 19 and is dating a young man who is 16. She is away at college and he lives near our hometown. They met over the Christmas break and saw each other again when she was home a few weeks ago for her birthday. They apparently started dating while talking on line and on the phone in between seeing each other in person. While she was home he was at our house most of the time and seemed nice enough, if quiet, but that's understandable since he doesn't know us.

I have the obvvious concerns about ther age difference and of course the legal issues that could arise. This is really the first boyfriend she has had and to my knowledge she has not been sexually active. We have talked about the fact that she is legally an adult and he a minor and since she will be home at the end of the week I will get into that area further.

What really bothers me is that he is not currently in school due to some "trouble" he has had. He apparently was living at a "residence" for teenage boys who are having problems that their family cannot deal with but is now back at home. According to DD his family has no problem with them dating. DD has not been forthcoming with info about what kind o trouble he was in and tells me that everyone deserves a second chance (which I agree with, in theory). I have told DD that he best thing she can do for her friend is strongly encourage him to get back to school or at the very least get his GED. He is also very possessive and does not want to share her with her friends but so far DD has not gone along with that.

Since DD is an adult I don't want to try to "forbid" her to see him and I'm well aware that doing so will probably make her like him even more. We have a very good relationship and I usually have no worries about her making good decisions. But when it comes to LOVE, who knows?

Any comments or suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 3:49pm

My oldest was a late bloomer and his first GF was/is younger than him, as well. I believe that, in a lot of ways , that gap made them more compatible than one would think looking in from the outside and not knowing them personally

If she is away at college, it sounds like their time together is limited so I would be unlikely to worry

They may learn what they need from each other and move on; that's not a bad thing. He is bound to benefit from someone with plans and ambition and she needs a little social remediation, so to speak

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 4:33pm

I wouldn't panic a whole lot - the age difference and legal issues are the same if he were 19 and she were `16 as they are now. She just needs to be careful dating a minor - which can be tough but my DS Z is also dating a minor - 17 y/o gal who won't be 18 until summer.

As far as him changing - given the right motivation, any bad boy can change his ways, have a DS who's not only been in residential treatment but also juvenile detention who changed his ways shortly after he came to live with us - and he started dating a very straight edge gal. She's been good for him all the way around - and in a lot of ways he's been good for her in that she's not as black and white and "uptight" as she used to be - a good thing, coz if she continued the way she was headed, she was going to give herself ulcers!

Just keep an eye open - where she's away at college, this could be a fairly short lived relationship.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 4:54pm

It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, so as other posters have written, I wouldn't worry about it for now. Keep an eye on the couple, and make sure your daughter knows the ramifications.

As the mom of the "younger" (my kids regularly date boys significantly older than they are, and I had a serious issue this fall with my DS18, who was "not dating"--the mom translation for "dating" LOL--a 28 year old man. So I do have some opinions on this subject...

1. 16-19 is not THAT big an age difference. It's really the equivalent of a freshman dating a senior, which happens all the time. As to the legal ramifications, I know we all tend to place the "minor vs. not minor" label on these things, but laws in each state are specific. In NJ for instance, the law has automatically been broken if the minor/adult have engaged in "penetrative" sexual contact, there is 4 years or more difference between them, and the minor is UNDER 16. That is the ONLY way a parent can press charges without their child's permission and/or cooperation UNLESS the activity is FORCED on the minor (in other words, once sexual behavior becomes consensual, a parent can not just press charges on a 19 year old because he or she had sex with their 17 year old daughter). Make sure you find out the exact laws in your state, and make sure your daughter knows them.

I had to look these up for several reasons, but most recently was when my 16 year old son was dating a 19 year old, and my ex started talking about calling the police. I had to explain to him that it would not have mattered on iota, because unless my son were claiming he had been raped, no actual law had been broken. This information, btw, came directly from the prosecutor's office in my county.

2. I totally agree with your suggestion that she try to persuade him to go back to school, but I wouldn't put much stock in that. She's not his mother, but his girlfriend, and kids don't want to hear "life lessons" from the people they date. If they were older and engaged, that would be one thing. But they're young, and they're dating, and teen love is blinder than Stevie Wonder.

3. The fact that your daughter is away at college is a great benefit to all concerned. He may get bored with her being away. She may meet someone while in college. And at the very least, when she comes home for the summer, the fact that he is going to object to her seeing her friends, whom she hasn't seen in a year, will irritate her.

These relationships are usually short-lived...but as another poster said, each may learn from the other.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 8:15pm
well, for what it's worth - I started dating my husband when I was 21 and he was 17. We are now 40 and 35 and have been happily married for 15 years :-) As for legal issues if she IS sexually active...what is the legal age of consent where you are? Here it is 14 (which I do think is much too young) unless the older person is in some sort of position of authority - teacher, clergy, counsellor, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 8:44pm
Wow, 14 is YOUNG for the age of consent - though honestly, it sure would help us out here. DD is 15 1/2, her b/f is 16, just 8 months older than she is. The age of consent in our state is 16. Which means, if the current state of their relationship was known by the wrong person, T could find himself prosecuted under the statuatory rape laws. DH and I like T, but we're not very happy about them being sexually active. But on the other hand, we don't want him labeled a sexual predator (which did happen to another young man that we know of, similar age circumstances), and I seriously doubt that N was unaware of what she was getting herself into. In fact, I'm fairly certain that when she asked to go on the pill "to control her periods" it was really to have birth control, and she assures me that they use condoms consistently (and she's a horrible liar, so I tend to believe her on that one) - so if there is a way to be responsibly sexually active at 15, she's doing it. As I said though, I'm not happy about it, I don't make it easy for them, and I'm afraid she's going to get her heart broken in a huge way. I often wonder if there was anything I could have said or done to delay this at least a couple of years, but looking back.... I guess we're back to "where there's a will there's a way."
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 10:24pm

Thanks to all for your input. DH and I are very happy that she will be away most of the time until May. As to the legal age of consent, here in NY it is 17, which means her young man has a few (like 6) months to go. I'm hoping that its not an issue but don't want to be naive.

I am truly more concerned about his troubled past since I don't know exactly what that trouble was. We have been fortuante that none of our daughters have had or been in any truble other than a few skipped classes. My family was very against my husband and I dating and I have always promised myself that I would keep an open mind when it came to my daughters' choices.

So I am biding my time, and trying to not make too much of a big deal about this relationship.

Thanks again.