DC & Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
DC & Friends
10
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 10:47am
I cannot stand these kids that DC hangs out with when DC is visiting BD. BD could care less who DC hangs out with...to him, it's a victory that DC wants to visit there because of the friends. These kids are a bad influence on DC and I've noticed a change in DC since DC met these kids 2 years ago. I would tell you some of the reasons why I don't like them, but there are too many to list. I spend a weekend with them and I know it's not just me being a protective mom.

Please let me know if you have any advice on how to get DC to stop hanging out with these kids...it's just so hard when BD doesn't care. DC is headed in the wrong direction, and I want to stop it now.

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 9:01am
Bump...I hope someone can give me some advice. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 9:12am
I don't understand what BD is? Is it suppose to be birth dad? I have a strong opinion on this but I'm not sure what you're asking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 9:18am

I did read your post last week but am not sure what advice to give.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 12:47pm
First a question: How often is DC visiting with his BD? Is it the usual every other weekend, and Wednesday? IF so, then I wouldn't be TOO concerned about it, as the influence is small considering the amount of time DC spends there. However, if it's more, perhaps you could call a meeting with BD and discuss this face to face? If BD is open to a meeting, you can gently help him to understand and perhaps notice the negative changes in DC's behavior and get some support from him in this regard. If it's not possible for you and BD to meet, then the best you can do it talk with your DC and fully explain to him/her your concerns and why you feel it would be wise to consider making new friends.

The bottom line is that you have to have confidence in knowing that you've set up proper role models for you DC and that you've reinforced your moral and belief systems to better enable DC to make the right decisions. The reality is that most kids will at one time or another gravitate towards an undesirable group of friends for one reason or another. Obviously, we all want our kids to eventually gravitate back to the 'good' kids and make healthy decisions. You can't be a fly in his/her pocket, watching his/her every move, but you CAN find ways to guide him/her in the right direction.

Good luck - I hope you're able to get BD on board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:22pm
Well you can't choose your kid's friends for them. And I wouldn't forbid her to see them either. That could only backfire and have her sneaking around to see them and getting into even more trouble. You CAN advise her about their habits and how you want better for her. Remind her that she is respected by her peers and adults (IF that is the case) Remind her of how many people like her for who she is and that being with these "friends" would only bring her down and give her a bad reputation. Then I would discuss the friends with her father, let HIM know what kind of people they are (not that he will listen.) My ex didn't beleive what I told him about an "associate" of my daughter's until the girl was arrested for drug possession and prostitution (at the age of 14) so who knows what your's will beleive. The best you can do is give your daughter guidence and hope she realizes soon what these "friends" are getting her into.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 5:49am
That's a really tough one, and I've BTDT. Oldest DS tended to hang out with the wrong crowd all the time, since he was pretty young...somehow he always managed to stay out of trouble though, which is surprising since his best friend in the crowd was a REAL problem...residential treatment for juvenile offenders, juvenile detention, drugs, alcohol, etc. Rather than trying to keep him away from these friends, we had many discussions with DS about how their behavior fits in with our morals, values, and expectations and why we were concerned that he not get involved in that stuff. AND he knew there were consequences besides disappointing us if he did. There was just one instance that we had a problem, about a year and a half ago, and we dealt with it, and there hasn't been a problem since. DS is now 19 and in the army. Unusual twist of fate here??? DS's best friend in that crowd, the REAL troublemaker? Well, he's now my DS S who's been living with us for almost 2 years! Now a college student who works too much and just bought the car of his dreams! Kind of a fairy tale ending I suppose, but S wanted to live with us when his family kicked him out BECAUSE J had managed to stay out of trouble all those years and S wanted to turn things around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 9:26pm

Yeah, this is a tough situation. I agree a lot with bunnierose's post because she and her dh had a far reaching effect on their son when he was with the trouble making kids. However, your situation is different because it's two homes, two separate parents, different sets of friends, different sets of rules. However, one thing to take from bunnierose's post is this: don't put your son's friends down in your objections. First, you want to teach him that he is responsible for his own choices and short of someone holding a gun to his head, NO ONE can make him do ANYTHING he does not want to do. Second, teens

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 11:25pm
Good post kkiana, just one tiny correction though...for most of their time together in life, J & S were buddies from two seperate homes, and two separate sets of parents, it's been just the last two years that they've been living as brothers...and almost all of S's troublemaking activities took place in the 2-3 years before he lived with us. The one time that there *was* a problem with J actually happened about 6 weeks after S came to us. I do agree with everything else in your post...it's so important to teach kids that THEY are responsible for their own behavior and decisions, regardless of what their friends are doing. Without learning that, you end up with adults who blame all their problems and such on someone else, when in fact, it was their own decision making process that got them into trouble.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 12:06am

Sorry :-) - I should have been more clear. I meant more that it's different when the two parents of one child are in opposition, do not share what's important or back one another up, that it can be that much easier for a 'strife and division' to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 6:31am
I see your point. I *am* very lucky that, even though DH has worked on the road for the past 17 years, he rarely if ever second guesses me or goes against a decision I've made with the kids. The really big stuff we talk about on the phone, and even then he tends to let me deal with it in my own way, because I'm the one here that has to enforce everything and he hesitates to lay down the law and then take off and not have to deal with the fallout.