DD 15 AND DH CLASHING.. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
DD 15 AND DH CLASHING.. :(
11
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:43pm
It has been some time since i posted here but i wanted to throw this situation out to get some thoughts... My dd will be 16 on Thursday 2/1/07..she rarely gives us a hard time about anything...she has the ups and downs of teens but her grades are good and she dresses normal and i don't here her cursing but she will go on her snippy rampages especially w/her father. Sometimes she speaks about him in a really hateful tone. example tonight my dh is opening a new business and works full time contracting during the day and evening at the new business trying to get it ready to open soon. he tries to involve our two children in the clean up and set up...he really needed help tonight and my ds and his friend were meeting my dh there and when my dh came home he seen my dd was STILL on the comp which i am sure she was on all day cuz she stayed home sick today too...not sick sick but not feeling good this morning and was ok tonight...so he said , ok dd lets go, she said w/a snip "go where".. he said over to the building to set up some things...and she said "Well, you did not ask me"...in other words she was telling him...don't tell me to do something, ask me. my dh just bought her a used car and put in $3,000.00 to get it fixed and ready for her 16th birthday...really does alot for the kids $$ wise and taking them places..my dh works hard all day and even when he gets home, it does not end, paperwork, etc...things blew up...he yelled at her and told her to get off the computer...well, she did not respond and evidently did not get off either...he blew up and told her she was grounded and took her cell phone...he left to work w/my ds...she was so pissy, she went into her bedroom and i went in to talk to her and told her that her tone and response is what got her in trouble...she flipped and was saying "he does nothing" "when was the last time he washed dishes" "when was the last time he helped clean the house" is it because he thinks he's "KING" ... she went on and on and said that I work too and she works on the weekends and we still have to clean...i just don't know what to say to her anymore...i see part of her point but she had no right disrespecting my husband /her father like that...she has been really rude and snotty to us all lately. i keep telling her she is going to get herself in her own trouble...she said to me"i'm just waiting to move out of this house, you think i don't have friends that will take me in and their parents aren't like him"...my husband would be crushed inside if i told him...and he will not show it, he will get mad and probably not give her the car .. cancel her cell, cancel the comp..hit her hard where it hurts...what do u guys think??? and i am having a sweet 16 party for her...i work full time..i asked her to clean up a little bit every night...she hasn't lifted really a finger..she washed the dishes but that's it...i don't like her like this. she also says i should stand up to him and not let him say what he wants and he always thinks he is right...ANY ADVICE PLEASE..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:10pm
Wow. It sounds like you folks have a LOT going on right now, with DH opening the business there has to be a LOT of stress and strain on everyone in the family. If your relationships with DD have always been good, is she maybe responding to the stress that everyone is feeling? I know this probably sounds flippant, but can you guys find a few hours to just relax and enjoy each other as a family? Let the dishes and the laundry go for an evening if you have to, but it sure sounds like you guys need to find time to relax, rejeuvenate, and refind each other as a family in order to move forward. This kind of scene has played itself out in our household many times during the summer months over the years. My DH works incredibly long hours in construction during the summer, and it's also the busiest and most stressful time of year in my job - and sometimes we loose sight of each other. When I start to feel that happening, I make a reservation at a campground and tell the whole family that "two weeks from Saturday, we are all going camping" - and everyone gets the kind of relaxation time we all need for a couple of days. When we get back to our normal routines, we're all ready to face the stresses of life again. Just a thought.... and good luck to your DH on his new business venture. How exciting for him!
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:33pm

I agree more with DD on this than you and DH

Sorry-you probably didnt want to hear that!

Was there a family meeting where the business and everyones contribution was discussed ahead of time?

I understand she is in a position to benefit from the proceeds should it be a success but I dont think that entitles you or DH to expect her to drop what she is doing and head over to work on the business based on his schedule and convenience

He can list what needs to be done-see who wants to do each portion and give some choices. Saturday morning or Sunday night?

I think she deserves to have some input and I think school, her own job, household chores AND the physical labor it sounds like this business involves is asking an awful lot of a 15 yr old.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:51pm
you have a great sense of seeing what others are going through..you are right w/the stress factor...the kids however don't really involve themselves in the total new business thing...there are only a handful of time where dh has asked them to come over and help and that is when he may have gotten in shelves to put up or just general cleaning up after some construction was done...we vacation actually alot..this past year in August we went to the Bahamas , October we went to las vegas and in the prior months we did camping trips to canada twice. we have a camper and a boat so we do have family times..although the kids are older now 16 & 17 and they of course really don't want to spend time w/us but when we are not vacationing, we do atleast once a week, usually sunday or every other sunday go out to eat. my dd goes to the mall all the time, we take her and a friend usually so we are not all work horses so to speak.lol. i think that our kids are flat out spoiled and they don't know how to give a little and appreciate. :( if i had it all to do again, we would be at the bare basics.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:58pm
i can appreciate what you are saying and my dh should have asked her in a nicer way instead of "come on , lets go"... dd has not really done house hold chores and when she does its done in a hurry...like cleaning the kitchen counter would entail her swiping everything on the counter into the sink and that is it...she will be 16 this week...we never really ask the kids to do anything...and when we do, they fight us every step of the way. and yes, the business was discussed and my dd wanted alot to do with it..actually she wanted to run the store most times. she is responsible with her school work, she slips sometimes but mostly is very good w/school work but from the time she gets home from school, she watches general hospital from 3 to 4 then she's on the computer til 10:00 or 11 ...way too many hours...we kick her off and when she is off, she's on her cell in her room..then back out on the comp..we are too lenient with our kids...she had no right to disrespect my dh like that...i would never have spoken to my parents the way she has been speaking to us the last month or so....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:34pm

I see-that detailed description definitely sounds different than my first interpretation of events

Probably projecting a bit here as DH desperately wants to own a business-it was his New Years resolution last year and when Jan 1 hit without one, well, he is so desperate he worries the heck out of me. I think he likes the 'idea' of owning a business far more than he likes the idea of work, especially anything remotely physical(painting, cleaning, putting up shelves would be physical)

He has a job, mind you, but he is home office and makes his own schedule and there is nothing physical involved

I fear he is going to sign on one of the many 'deals' our savvy realtor is presenting him with and then expect us to do the majority of the work!!!

DS1 always could be counted on to do a good job without supervision but with the other two? I always have to promise to do a check and follow through, often insisting on a redo. With boys, cleaning the outside of the toilet is far more important than swishing around the inside and without me 'checking'??? Ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 2:16am

This young lady needs a swift "kick in the a**". She doesn't need a car! That is ridiculous.

Tell her that she cannot compare what she does with the work her father does. He works extremely hard to provide for her and her brother and for you. You are a team and, by showing her father such disrespect, she is showing you disrespect. He is, after all, your husband.

You work hard too. It's not easy to get up everyday,go to work and then come home and have to run a household. She is old enough now to start to take responsibility. And if wants the "perks" of adulthood like a car, she has to start acting in a respectful manner.

Tell her that threats will not work. If she honestly thinks that she can move out and still enjoy the "perks" she has, she is mistaken. You and her father are only required to provide the essentials. Everything else is "perks". Perhaps it is time you give her a taste of what it would be like without those perks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 7:57am

Even if the kids aren't directly involved in the stress of the new business, if you and DH are stressed about it, the kids are feeling it, and reacting to your stress.

I guess I'm a believer in talking to kids the way we would like to be talked to, or the way we would talk to a subordinate at work in order to get the best results. My parents were very good at treating the rest of the world with a great deal of kindness and empathy, but treating their kids like their slaves - I'm not saying servants because people treat the hired help better than we were treated! Not physically abusive or anything like that, but not "nice." It's like we were put on this earth to do our mother's bidding - and she still acts like that. I've always sworn that I would treat my children with at least as much kindness and politeness as I do strangers and coworkers... doesn't make sense to me to treat the people you love the most with the least courtesy. What I'm getting at is HOW DH talked to your DD - a different approach may have yeilded completely different response.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 4:32pm

It's hard to know exactly what to say here. Maybe when the new store was discussed, it sounded like such a great idea to the kids, but then the reality of opening a business and how much work it entails is diff. from the reality. Kids only see the end result, like maybe they thought the family would have a lot more money or your DD sees herself working as a cashier and thinks that it's fun. My DD is almost 18, so she has been working p.t. for a couple of years in stores. She likes Pier 1 where she works now, but she still has to do things she doesn't like, such as clean up. She has also had experience of dealing w/ bosses who are a pain in the neck, co-workers who don't do their share, etc. I just remember a cartoon my kids used to watch. I can't remember the name of it, but the main character was Doug Funnie. His father was a children's photographer and he decided to open his own place, which everybody thought was going to be great, then he was constantly working, never could do anything w/ the kids and finally he quit and went back to his old job, which was much less stressful.

I know I have had some arguments w/ my DD cause she can just say stuff that gets on your nerves. Most of the time, I just try to ignore it, but sometimes, she can push my buttons and we end up having a big argument, usually over something stupid. I have found that the best way to deal w/ it is not to punish her but to talk about it later. We had a big argument about her applying to college and it turned out she was really stressed out about it, and then I felt she was trying to make me feel guilty that we couldn't afford to send her to private school, but we ended up talking and everything worked out much better.

Now the fact that your kids are spoiled and don't have to do anything around the house is another issue and if she has spent 16 yrs. knowing that she doesn't have to do anything, it's kind of a hard habit to break. My DD was lucky that my mother gave her a used car, it was when she was 17, not 16, but she has to pay for her own gas & ins. Since we discussed this beforehand, I really don't have sympathy when she complains because she didn't have to get a car and she gets the perks of having one. If you feel you can afford to pay for the car, then maybe as a condition of having one, your DD should be required to do certain chores around the house and if she doesn't do it, then no driving. You can draw up the rules beforehand, so there's no arguing if she doesn't comply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:29pm
I TOTALLY AGREE ,, my dh should have asked her nicely..as a matter of fact, i told him this after he left her home and when to the store to work, i called him about 45 min later and said that they needed to not let this go, he should have asked her nicely...well, that went over like a lead balloon and just said she's grounded and that's it. that he has been tolerant of her attitude for long enough and tonight just topped it off ... "its the straw that broke the camel's back" .. even this morning, i woke her up late and she missed the bus...she needs to leave the house by 7:05 to make it to school on time..i start work at 8 so i sat down to see the news and unwind for 5 minutes while the coffee brewed and she came storming out w/her hand on her hip and said "should you not be showering???" NASTY>..i told her i would get up in a minute and not to say another word to me about leaving on time...well, i was ready by 7:05 and was headed out the door when i forgot my id badge....had to go back in ..full hands , coffee, bag of life, purse, keys...could barely open the door back up...make a long story short, i got her there, w/a nothing but complaints all the way there...snow covered roads and ice on my windshield, i was not going fast enough for her...arrrrrrrrrrr....i dropped her off and when i pulled out, spilled my coffee all over the car...should have then just went home and crawled back in freakin bed. so now i am taking tomorrow and friday off to plan for a sweet 16 party for her...i keep asking her about inviting friends and she said she invited 4..that's it...4...but come the day of her party she will be stressing saying she should have called others...by then they will have made other plans...arrrrrrr, i'm venting...top it all off..my bro got a kidney transplant 5 yrs ago and it's failed and he now is on dialysis and is having trouble w/the clots in is arm... :* ( it's been a very long week and thanks for listening to me vent...oh by the way, i took her over to the store about 1 hr later to help . she went with a perfect pout on her face. ;)
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:50pm

Not trying to start anything here, but just found it interesting that for being a spoiled brat (sorry op, but my dd is the same way lol so I can commisserate), but the child in the other post that attempted to push her father down the stairs while throwing a temper tantrum was wrongfully "spanked"?




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