DD, 15, and internet, what to do
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| Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:05am |
I have a 15 year old dd. She is basically a pretty good kid. The problem is her dad and I are divorced. We are both since remarried and all, for over 7 years now. But we have joint custody so she spends one week there, then one week here. She has a computer at both houses. Hers is in a main area here so I am around. I don't stand over her shoulder though. I do have a recording program on her computer here. The problem is My Space. She has had one for about a year now. I have a few rules about it. No picture, no full name, no address, no town name, school name etc. Common sense things. She has lost computer privilages in the past here for breaking one or two of those rules. Well, she has broken them again. She has a few pictures up and says the name and state of her town. It is a no brainer to take the computer away. But she goes over there every other week for the full week. And my ex, is an idiot. I don't think he cares frankly. I think, he thinks, I am overreacting. Last time I tried to talk to him about this, he did NOTHING! No punishment, didn't even bother to look at the site. So I can punish her here, and she goes over there next week and it is like nothing happened. I need a way to get through to her, because her father is an idiot and won't do anything about it anyway. I need some ideas on what to do. I have tried taking it away and she is good for a while. But just seems to feel the need to have pictures up there. They aren't bad pictures. But I don't like it! I feel helpless and unable to parent the way I really feel I should. HELP!!!!
Lisa


Perhaps yours XH is not aware of the predator dangers related to MySpace? If he isn't paying attention to what you tell him, perhaps you need to educate him. There are lots and lots of news articles, stories, facts, etc., available on-line and in newspapers indicating just exactly how predators go about finding victims on-line, establishing trust, making arrangements to meet these kids, etc.
I'm sorry I don't have direct links to provide you with, but if you do an internet search, I'm sure you will be very successful. Give him with copies of what you find.
A few months ago, a local radio station aired a live 'MySpace' special -- broadcasting what was happening as it happened when a female radio personality, posing as a 14yo girl, logged into a MySpace chat room. It was only SECONDS, and I am not exaggerating here, before she was sent nude pics of various males wanting to 'meet' her. Scary stuff, imo.
You're in a tough situation. Divorce always makes parenting teenagers extra challenging. I like Rose's idea of serving her time at your house, even if it takes a month. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and be a "maverick" and opine that while the idea of publishing a town name, address and school is probably not a good one, I wouldn't necessarily object to a decent photo, and I do mean decent (I'm shocked by what I've seen on other girl's sites). Why? If she sets her page to "private" it should only be her "friends" viewing it. I don't know about these chat rooms, I'm going to have to look into that. I'm not telling you to change your rules, but maybe start trying to be a little more flexible in parenting your teen. You mentioned she is a great girl. She deserves your trust. If you continue to talk to her about predators and the like and indicate why you're worried, maybe she'll come around.
As for your ex, there is nothing you can do so just let it go.
I would concentrate on educating your dd to the dangers of putting identifying info on Myspace or elsewhere on the internet. Like the others mentioned you cannot control how her dad handles things. Nor can you control what she does when she is not in your home. Theoretically she could go online on a friend's computer and do/say things that you wouldn't allow in your house. But if she can be made to understand and believe the need for a certain level of discretion then she will be safer everywhere. This is true in meeting new people face to face too, not just online.
Unless you live in a very small town then IMO putting her town on her profile shouldn't be a problem. Isn't there a way to set up her account so that only certain people can view her pictures? And you can have some control over who she allows on that list? Then the rule would be that the pictures were not inappropriate in some way. You can monitor her site when she is at her dad's if you think that she will make changes to the account or do things that you will not allow, and apply consequences when she is at home if necessary.
Is there any chance of getting her stepmother on the same page since dad doesn't care? If stepmom is smart she will realize that any problems that develop with your dd will eventually become her problems as well since the girl is there half of the month. Even if she doesn't enforce rules at her house she may be able to convince your ex to become more proactive.
Just a thought I'm going to throw out here.... whether it's online or IRL, your DD is going to meet up with jerks, guys looking to get in her pants, whatever.
I think there has been too much focus put on this myspace website. Everyone is up in arms about it and schools are making sure it is blocked and articles and shows are being done on it. I'm not arguing that the internet is not dangerous, but there are so many other profiling websites and phote websites out there as well. If your kid is goth/punk chances are he/she has a vampirefreaks.com profile which I think is much worse than myspace but has there been any shows done on that website?? My point is that if it isn't one website it's another. We need to teach our kids how to use the internet responsibly - that arranging meetings with someone online is the same as getting into a strangers car on the street and we've been teaching them never to do that since they were preschoolers. That's where the focus has to be IMHO. Whether a picture is posted or not someone can still try and make arrangements to meet because this has been an ongoing problem since chat rooms came about years ago. Having said that, I do check my dd's myspace profile reguarly and also her friends. Most of her pictures are of her and her bf or friends and I know or recognize most of the people on her friends list from school. Yes, some of the stuff I see on these profiles is very disturbing and I can't believe that more parents aren't checking their kids profiles. DD knows that I check these websites. I've emphasized that anything posted on the world wide web is public record for all to see and that includes me so if she was even thinking about posting something that she didn't want her parents to see she better think twice.
This isn't really what you were asking in your original post but I just wanted to voice my opinion on the myspace subject. Now to your post, there are two different households involved which means there are two different sets of rules and two different sets of consequences. I don't think there is anything you can do about how your ex sets the rules at his house. One of my friends said it best when she was picking up her son from his father's. She said "it's time for me to go reprogram my son and get him back on track again."
Excellant advice from everyone, thank you! I am going to think about it a little bit. I might let the pictures go as they are really just of her face and fully clothed. She isn't even trying to look seductive or anything of that nature. That isn't her. I am going to punish for the town name though, our town is VERY small. And I have another child also. Last year a man went into a house with an open door in the next town over and raped a woman. And it is a very nice town. He got away. I can not risk things like the town name even. I might be strict. But if I lived in CHicago or something, that is one thing. My town has less than 2000 people in it. And you are all right about dad's house. I am going to talk to him about it. But not going to expect anything. I just think it is imporant that he know what is going on and that I don't agree with it. Thanks again!
Lisa
*HUGS* TOTAL!
I'm one of those people who thinks any private information on myspace is a no-no. Photos, included. Definitely not any identifying information. You can never be too careful.
If you think it might help, talk to her father about the dangers of myspace. Fathers have a funny way of getting very protective of their daughters when they realize the possible danger. Are there any software programs or myspace controls that can filter what info is being posted? There might be something, I don't know. I use a program to filter out chatrooms on my computer and certain internet sites on my computer.
When you have joint custody with the other parent, and their are two households involved, naturally there are two sets of rules. If you were so capable of agreeing with your husband on important issues, like how to raise your child, likely you wouldn't be divorced would you? Even couples who aren't divorced have difficulties agreeing to all rules and regulations.
In this instance I'd say come to a compromise. Sites like "myspace" do have privacy settings on them so that only people on her "friends" or "buddy" list can see her space so insist that this is done so that you don't have to be as concerned about people seeing her stuff that you don't like.
Reality is that any technology, ANYTHING, from phones to letters to email, have inherent risk. Heck, having your kid in a sport club is risky. Sending them to church is risky. There are perverts and idiots all over the place and myspace is no different. She just has to take the necessary precautions about limiting access to her personal information.
Don't make this myspace issue so huge that it becomes a method of rebellion. Honestly, she'll get tired of it before you know it...most kids do.