DD 16 is out of control

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
DD 16 is out of control
9
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 10:16am
I've come to this board when my life seems spiraling out of control. I feel that so many of you offer good advice, support and ideas to help cope. My 16yr DD has been way out of control since Mem.day weekend. Smoking pot in her room without trying to hide it, having people sneak in through her bedroom window with beer and last night she snuck 2 guys in and my DH found them at 1:15 smoking pot and hanging out. I am out of town for the week at a convention and I asked her to please not cause problems for DH as they have an already turbulent relationship. After DH confronted them, the boys left and then she ran away. DH called the police and they found her wandering down the street. The police officer asked if she could sleep someplace else and she stayed at a friends. I got no sleep and my boss called this morning to go to breakfast before we go to the convention. Luckily he is understanding and is letting me get some rest so I don't look like a train wreck talking to customers. PLEASE HELP ME> I don't know what to do anymore. She has been to therapy, been on anti-depressants and is just a plain rebel. My mom told me to let her be as she will do what she wants if it's in her mind to. Her cell phone and computer time have been taken away and she has been grounded for a week now from going out. There's nothing to take away to deter her anymore. Do I ask her to move out? DO I force her into in-house rehab? I tried to get her to out patient rehab, but she refused. We as parents can't force them to go into rehab, or even get drug tested! I'm so sad right now and helpless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:05am
Why can't you force her into rehab or drug testing? In my state parents have complete authority until a child's 18th birthday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:53am
In Wisconsin, you need the minor's signature/permission to be placed in rehab or to get drug tested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:14pm
Amazing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:27pm

That's terrible! I think you said you'd tried therapy with her before. What does the therapist recommend, since you can't force her to attend rehab? Someone here recommended the book, Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager by Scott P. Sells: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312303017/sr=8-1/qid=1150906972/ref=sr_1_1/103-8117082-6155822?%5Fencoding=UTF8.
Also read up on Tough Love, it sounds like these are the only things that will work on her at this point.

Sometimes I think that a teen who does this kind of thing "right under your nose" is crying out for help and/or attention - if she didn't want you to know, wouldn't she do it at a friend's house or at least be more secretive than smoking in her own bedroom? It's quite telling that she chose to do this when only her dad was home and you were away - and you mentioned they have a difficult relationship. It sounds like counseling for the entire family is in order. Don't give up on her, no matter what you do!

Can you pinpoint when this downwards spiral began? That may give you some clues as to what started all this? I'm sorry I can't be of more help...you might try and post this on the troubled teens board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:32pm

>>In Wisconsin, you need the minor's signature/permission to be placed in rehab or to get drug tested.>>

That is mind-boggling. So if you can't take parental action in regard to your MINOR CHILD, does that excuse you from being forced to assume responsibility for your MINOR CHILD, if he/she is involved in an accident or God forbid, something worse? Particularly if that minor child is under the influence at the time?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:55pm

<<>>

In my state, it's legal for a 17 y.o. to leave their home. But still, if they do something like skip school, *I* can be arrested. I heard it straight from his former probation officer.

The law sucks.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:08pm
I think rehab for smoking pot, especially at age 16, is overkill. I'd be more concerned about where she's getting the kind of money to smoke so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 5:31pm

<>

No kidding. It sucks big time, imo.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 4:27pm

This reminds me of the situation my step-nephew (age 16) is in right now. My DH & I were discussing him last night. It's too bad because I always liked him (I have known him since he was about 10).

He has a white mother & black father. His parents got divorced, dad is pretty much out of his life and stepdad is also white, so this is one excuse (I'm black and noone understand me). SD is a jerk w/ a temper and dumb, too. I don't know what my SIL ever saw in him cause she is a nurse and much smarter. However, she is focused on work and neither one pays the son too much attention. (I am not saying that's what's causing your DD's problems.) When he was younger, I guess it was easier to say he was hyperactive and put him on Ritalin that to actually deal w/ him.

So he started using pot, drinking, etc. and mom filed a petition w/ the court called Child in need of services. Basically, they will help the family w/ counselling, etc. and if that doesn't work, will take further steps. First they put him in a foster home, then when he was still not behaving, he was in a more secure place like a juvenile lockup. He had to earn any privileges. He has been going back & forth. I feel bad seeing this basically good kid mess up his life.

My DH had always been a big part of his life cause he has a DD the same age. Now it's funny that the boy never gave my DH any trouble because my DH always said, these are the rules you have to follow or there will be consequences. A couple of years ago my DH was disabled from work and I think every vacation, this kid was at our house. We let him come over a few months ago for a weekend but my DH gave him a talk first about how we didn't allow any drinking or cigarettes at our house (his mom lets him smoke, really smart for a nurse)and if he could obey the rules, everything would be fine and he could come. He was just fine but my SIL was actually offended that we were strict w/ him. Maybe he wouldn't have been in this situation if she was stricter.

I know you need professional help, but I don't think it's a good idea to throw her out (she's only 16 and what is she going to do then) or just let her do whatever she wants. I would let her know that if she smokes pot in the house, that you will call the police and she will be locked up.