DD and "b/f"
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DD and "b/f"
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 5:57pm |
OK, I've got a situation here, that while probably not earth shattering, is bugging my DD, and I've run out of things to say to her.
DD is a young freshman, won't be 15 til the summer.

Maybe your dd feels more comfortable around him than some of the more superficial popular kids, and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe T will get her involved in things he enjoys, and introduce her to a crowd that wouldn't make fun of the two of them together. What are his friends like?
Thinking back to my dark ages of HS, I wanted to be more popular (pegged the bookworm when they announced class ranks to the whole class the end of freshman year), so I got on the girls' swim team and also as a timer for the boys' swim team. We got to wear cool coats, sweat suits to school the days of the meets...way cool. But once I found a boyfriend who I felt safe and stable around, I pretty much dropped that crowd outside of school. He had younger siblings he had to take care of a lot, so I kinda became their big sister for a while. It was truly cool; I felt 'at home', and still did great in school, etc., and really didn't care about being popular any more. It was more like I found a life I was more comfortable with than where I'd been, although where I'd been really wasn't bad; it just wasn't where I wanted to stay forever.
So maybe it's truly a maturity thing. Maybe she's growing faster than her friends. Hopefully she won't alienate all of them so that if things go sour with the bf, she will have at least one or two real friends to fall back on.
Sue
The way I see it she has 3 options:
1) She continues to see the boy and tells her gf's to butt out, mind thier own bees wax and risks alienating herself from them and/or that group which will leave her with MAYBE only seeing the boy and no one else.
2) She dumps the boy and continues to hang with the group she's 'always' been with just for comfort sake.
3) She continues to see the boy, cultivates new friends and slowly grows and develops into the person she wants or needs to become.
Who says she will only wind up with the boy 24/7 and no one else? That's only a guess or presumption. Perhaps it's time for her to move onto a new set of friends. Perhaps as she matures she finds herself less interested in the flirtatious life she currently enjoys. Perhaps she would rather be surrounded by people less judgmental about who she chooses to date. I think that it's perfectly okay to talk with her about it, even commend her for standing up for herself instead of cowtowing to her girlyfriends. Sometimes we all have to make tough decisions like your dd, but things usually turn out okay.
My now 18dd had to detach from her old group of gf's in 8th grade and for a little while she WAS very alone and could only make mediocre plans with 'strays' until she finally found her new 'group' of kids to hang with and you know what? She's fine. And even though I fretted at the time, I'm glad she doesn't hang with those girls at all.
I hope your dd chooses what's right for her.
I think the hardest thing about parenting a teen in this kind of situation is knowing (from our "elderly" position) that most of this will not matter too much in the long run. With me and my DD, sometimes I have to work a bit to *care* about who crushes who, and who's mad, and who's in or out. Other than really extreme things, most HS stuff fades into the background.
So, the way I think about it with my DD (who also will be 15 this summer), is what growth/lesson will she get from this? In your case, I think your DD has a chance to learn a valuable lesson - how to choose her own friends, how to resolve differences of opinion among your friends, how to disagree with your friends without alienating them. If her girlfriends are true friends, they'll stand by her. They may pull away a little, but they'll come back.
DD went through something this year where one of her three BFFs was pulling away, trying to pull another girl into more of a dyad than a quartet. I tried to get DD to be patient, don't be rude, wait for her to relax and come back to where you used to be. It was hard - DD thinking this one friend might not be her friend "forever". But she also learned how to manage a difficult part of a friendship.
I'd advise your DD to 1) make sure she's spending time with her friends so they don't feel left out and 2) tell them that T is her friend and that's not their business and 3) maybe let them get to know him a little.
Sue
What is it with 13-15 yr. old girls? Everything they do, wear, say, or like is scrutinized and evaluated by...."the group."
It's enough to make a parent scream.
All I can suggest is keep doing what you do so well - lots of support.
For me, sometimes it helps asking questions I already know the answers to. It makes the point, DD gets a boost from me, and the conversation runs full circle. You've probably already done this, but I've had some great dad moments driving in the car with something like this....
(you) "What is it about T your friends don't like"?
(her) "They say he's a nerd, geek, etc..etc..."
(you)"Well..if they don't like him, why do you like him?
(her) " He's kind, sweet, etc...etc...etc...
(you) "That would be kind of dumb if someone didn't like ME because I played a musical instrument. That must be hard. Would it be accurate to say you are more mature than many of your friends?"
(her) (of course says...) yeah
etc...etc...etc...
And if all goes well, it just keeps getting better.
We don't get any new revelations here, I know basically what she's going to say, but for some reason it helps her when it's processed out like that.
As for the queen bees, the reality is, at that age they will probably be around longer than T (unfortunately).
It may be good for her to set limits about discussing the subject of T, but it may hurt her in the long run to burn those bridges. (again..the unfortunate reality of that age)
Thanks for your input folks!
"center" herself around T, but she shouldn't conform to the twisted standards of the gf's to fit in either. I would be more concerne about the long-term ramifications of being swayed by a group of mother hens than the short term situation with the boy. A short break from these ladies might not be a bad thing....
jt