DD and BF....getting to know.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
DD and BF....getting to know.......
7
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:54pm

So DD has had her BF for 2 months now. Now they go to the same high school, he is going to be 16, she is 14. I have dropped her off at movies in afternoons, park for an hour etc. SO how or what do I say to finally meet the guy? I casually mention to DD to invite him over for a BBQ, or get together but she refuses. Every time I touch the BF subject she makes faces and refuses to speak to me about him. DD and I have a good relationship. But I guess not good enough to share this stuff with me. What can I say or do to let her know that its ok to share. That she can trust me. And when should I if at all, more than request to meet the BF? I mean...like another poster said, "he kisses my DD" (even though I do not know that for a fact, I assume its happening)
Any insight is appreciated.

Thanks In advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 2:12pm

i told my daughter that he had to come here... that was it...he asked her out on an instant message -- how's that for a 2006 relationship?! but it was a week before they had their first official date and i told her he had to pick her up at our house... so his parents dropped him off here --- i met him and they walked to the movie theater - they came back here eventually - because his father was picking him up here - but that first date - i didn't see him too much - just enough to get a good look at him and say hello... they recently celebrated their one month anniversary... and he's been here probably 5 times maybe 6 and everytime i try to get a few words in before they disappear...

i'm lucky - because she likes talking about him and gets all excited and doesn't seem to mind sharing details with me... we've talked in depth about what could happen from here on out so i feel very confident when she's out alone w/him - that she's going to do the right thing...

i think you have to force this issue - it's not too late for you to insist that he come by the house when they see each other... you don't have to sit down and have a heart to heart but make him comfortable in your home so they don't mind coming there... that's what i've tried to do -

rachel

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 2:23pm

How about stop making it an option? Simply tell your dd that it's fine if they want to hang out at the park, movies, etc., but that you want to meet the bf face to face now. Since he is important enough to hang with, then he's important enough to meet the family.

I'd probably even say a little something about the age thing...."he's at an age where he probably expects the he should meet the family, etc."

IMO, you're not out of line in demanding this. And, I never would have let my dd even hang with him unsupervised before making sure I had a face to match the name anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 4:04pm

I agree with the others. Meeting the parents should not be an option - it should be a requirement. This young man is at an age that he can drive and DD could very easily in the near future be alone in a car with him. You most definitely need to meet him and they both need to know that you care enough to meet him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 9:45pm

I'm another one to agree with the advice you've been given so far. My dd knows, and all her male admirers know, that NO ONE gets to "go out with her" until mom has met the boy. Period! BTW, that doesn't mean that I will quiz him or otherwise try to make him feel uncomfortable. I just want to be able to put a name with a face.

Footnote: There was one boy who went out of his way to avoid me - turned out, he was a big time loser. Two other boys seem to be very comfotable talking to me - one boy whom I've met and one boy whom I've just spoken to over the phone. I have good "vibes" about both of the latter, although time will tell if either of these relationships will get "serious".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 10:25pm
I agree with the others, too.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:45pm

Thanks!

I have only allowed her a one on one at the movies once, all the other times she has been with school buddies in large groups. As for the boy, I have talked to him on the phone. I have seen him just not formerly introduced. I have no reason to believe that he is avoiding me, I actually know from good source that he has asked her (us as a family) to atleast 1 family party of his. Its my DD that seems to have a problem with it. Deep down I think I know why. She seems to worry that my SO, will tease or embarass her in front of guy, I don't think he would but he is a little weird with her friends sometimes, just a little too "their age" acting. He sometimes acts like a kid in front of them, teasing them or making jokes. I don't know. and thing is If I ask her about it she will just frown or make a face and say....MOM.......

Avatar for mom3girls2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2000
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:48pm

Delurking here. I have a dd20, dd19 & dd14. I made many mistakes with my first two, and am trying to learn from them with the 3rd one (or at least make different ones now, lol). Dd20 has been out of the home since she started college 2 years ago, 300 miles away. Dd19 commutes to college locally. Dd14 just entered 9th grade.

As far as b/f's go, Dd20 has been with the same boy for 4 years. Dd19 goes through them like a sieve. I can only hope she's making good decisions when she's out with them. I have learned several things the hard way with this one. First of all, she likes meeting guys over the internet, whether it's through facebook, or IM Buddies of IM Buddies, etc. Or with one or two, she never exactly told us how she met them. With this last one, they were together 5 weeks, and I think we all learned something new. She happened to introduce this last b/f to us rather early on, and intimated that he might be THE one, also implying that she was fairly sure he felt the same about her. They spent lots of time at our home, meals, snacks, hanging out while deciding what to go out to do, simply watching tv with the family, playing board games in the kitchen with or without dd14, sometimes with other friends of their age, sometimes just the 2 of them.

One of the things we learned, is that if a guy is worth spending time with, they ought to meet the family, and spend some time with them once in a while. The b/f should not mind spending time at our home, with or without siblings/parents. If dd is mature enough to want to kiss a guy, they should both be mature enough to develop a healthy b/f-g/f relationship.

Sorry this got so long, but I just want to say two more things. It sounds like your dd & her new "beau" became b/f-g/f during the summer, when a 2-yr. age gap might not be so wide. But now that they're both in school, even though they're in the same school, unless it's a really small one, 2 years might suddenly seem like a huge difference as the initial weeks of school proceed. And the 2nd thing (based on my dd14 having her first kiss over Mem'l. Day Wknd.) -- if some boy is kissing one of MY babies, MY dd, then I'd better know who he is! (Said only slightly jokingly!)
---
In peace,
Max

In peace,
Max