DD and boys...
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| Tue, 09-26-2006 - 3:36pm |
DD14 is a high school freshman and one of the youngest in her class. She is a beautiful girl, good student and on the soccer team. She has had a boyfriend for the last 15 months and he is a sophmore at a different HS in the next town over (about 15 miles away). DH and I don't care too much for the BF- he is pretty aimless, doesn't make good grades or have any goals. He doesn't play sports (which isn't a big deal, except DD lives for soccer and track), doesn't do any extracurriculars and is just pretty much a slacker. Since school started last month DD has made a lot of new friends, male and female. At our urging she goes out with groups of boys and girls from her school to school events like football games, boys' soccer games, to the movies, etc. A couple boys have asked her out but she has begged off, telling them she has a boyfriend. Her BF is very jealous and last weekend he called her and broke the relationship off. She was heartbroken and we hated to see her so hurt, but DH and I both felt it was for the best. This BF is quite manipulative and has hurt her many times- we were happy to think that this relationship might be over. He called her the next evening, begging to be taken back and DD told he she needed time to think. She now tells us she is planning to take him back (UGH!).
During this weeklong "break" three of DD's newer male friends revealed to her that they have romantic feelings for her. She was beginning to have feelings for one of them, "R", and he is a truly wonderful kid (straight A's, captain of the soccer team, class president, active in his church youth group, has a parttime job). DD claims she is getting back together with BF, but tonight she is going to R's soccer game to see him get an award. She will be wearing one of his team jerseys, sitting with his parents and going to a reception after the game as his date.
I would love to see DD just stay single and hang out with groups of friends, or if she has to "date" one boy I wish it was R, the one she was going out to see tonight. I feel like she is stringing this kid along and will go back to her slacker/loser boyfriend and really hurt this very nice boy. I wish I understood the hold the BF has over her and see what she sees in him. Even her girlfriends don't get it and wish she would move on. DH claims that she will come to her senses and dump him eventually, but I'm not sure how much longer I can stand this kid hanging around.
Anyone know of a good convent school???

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I don't have any words of advice but I can sure sympathise!
I agree with Pam. You are so quick to judge this b/f of hers as a "slacker" because he doesn't play sports, extracurriculars, or have good grades. I sometimes think teens are rebelling, correctly, on some of the shallow attitudes of their parents. If you think about it, you probably did the same with your own parents. Perhaps if you took a moment to get to know this boy better - like Pam said, don't assume the "straight A's, captain of the soccer team, class president, active in his church youth group, has a parttime job" kid is the perfect angel you've made him out to be. if that is how you are judging people, that's a pretty sad statement indeed. My own son doesn't play sports anymore because of his GPA and he finally gave up on that. He also has learning disabilities, and is the only one of his friends (including athletes) that does NOT engage in drugs and drinking. He spends alot of time with his band which probably doesn't qualify in your eyes as an "extracurricular" because you can't put it on your college resume, can you? He's a good kid, attends church with us, wants to attend college and study law enforcement, and struggles to get through academics that some kids take for granted. You would probably point him out as a slacker, and wouldn't even take the time to get to know him. Not only would you be wrong, but you would push your dd right into his arms. Good luck.
Exactly what I was thinking!
I too have to wonder what the big push is to have a bf at 14?
I totally hear you on wishing she'd stay single and enjoy her friends or enjoy some group dates for a while. The other bf does sound a little aimless, however they are both too young to really know for sure.
I also understand how you'd like to see her date, if she HAS to, someone more in line with her own interests and pleasures, like this R kid. Unfortunately, she's been allowed to date this other kid and he's got a hold on her somehow on some level. I think that though it may take a little while and perhaps s few more tries, they will break up for good eventually. Their's sounds more like a dragged out puppy love kind of thing and as she matures and realizes that there are so many other boys to meet and hang with, she will lose interest in her Bf's mind games. >< >< Keeping my fingers crossed.
ps: Whatever you do, do not put down bf to your dd - it will only make him more appealing to her!! Better to just be there for her when she wants to talk about things and encourage her to get out with other friends instead.
A convent school...LOL! If the BF has a hold on her even from the next town a convent school won't do much....
I know young girls who just for one reason or another cannot seem to stay single. They are just romantically inclined, I guess, and cannot reconcile their feelings with just being friendly and casually dating a boy. If they aren't stuck in long term relationships, as your dd seems to be, they are serial daters who can't seem to be without a boyfriend for a few days. Seems there are line-ups just waiting for their turn.
I too would encourage your DD to consider being single and just having fun for a while. She is so young and the boys she is dating are so young and they need time to grow and learn. They especially need to learn how to have relationships with people of the opposite sex that are platonic and do not involve plots worthy of a soap opera!!
I think if you point out to her how many great guys she knows and has met and how much fun it has been to just have a good time without all the pressure of an exclusive relationship, then maybe she'll see the light.
I have seen some young girls come to this realization on their own esp after a few failed relationships. They spend some time solo and just have so much fun that they don't look for BF's anymore.
The important thing though is that she has to make this decision on her own. You can objectively give her a list of pros and cons but she needs to do this herself or it won't stick. Take it from someone who did end up with the wrong, shiftless, aimless guy -- pressure from my parents did nothing but drive me closer to him...
BTDT, don't have a clue what to tell you b/c what I did was wrong. I won't go into details except to say our lives were a mess for more than a year b/c of the first b/f that she cheated on with her now current b/f. We tried to explain how she was stringing both of them along and basically lying to her b/f. We tried to explain to her that being single at 15 was a good thing. She's been in a relationship for 4 straight years now - since she was 14. She's only dated 2 guys in her life and she's 18 now.
All I can say is good luck and I hope your child has more sense in the b/f department than mine!
BTW, in our case, her first b/f broke up with her b/c out about her little fling with the other guy. The first one was a major slacker - now does drugs, been in jail several times, etc. The second one is a honor student, worked all through high school, played football every year, active in church group (they met at church camp) - he seemed absolutely perfect for her. Turns out he's a major alcoholic who blows all that hard earned cash on beer and liquor. He owns a 1977 truck that he can't even drive b/c he can't afford the gas for it. It has a huge crack all the way across the windshield, the hood is dented and rusted, the seats are ripped and the foam is moldy. I have to keep reminding myself that he's intelligent, hard working, doesn't lie and does seem to love my DD. During the time was dating both of them, I used to pray that she would go with this guy b/c it was clear that the first one was a slacker that came from a horrible home life. Second one seemed perfect for her. Be careful what you wish for you just might get it!!
I wanted to comment in this same vein. DS14 is not a sports guy so no, he's not on a team either. He's also not doing the best this year; he's g/t but also very visual-spatial and that's making it very difficult in HS where they don't do as much differentiated instruction as they did in MS. He has one extracurricular at school, which many find 'geeky' - Club Mudd, their ceramics club. He's also in Boy Scouts; again, many find this geeky; he's just short of his Eagle project (and our troop won't let you get that til at least 15-16; he just turned 14). But he's VERY hard working in school and definitely has an eye out for a given girl, but is way too shy to do anything about it. So as a protective mom, I'd say please don't judge the boy so harshly; there are good ones out there that just don't stand out.
Sue
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